Very Much Alive
by misplacedpuzzlepiece
Summary: Here I was, venting my entire life to an internet full of strangers. But it made me feel better. I wanted everyone to know who Jaxon Teller was, who the REAL Jaxon Teller was. The last 5 years of my life have never been more trialing, things just go from bad to worse. And I swear, it was all his fucking fault. Jax x OC Smut, eventually. Rape. Violence. Drug abuse. RATED M.
1. Chapter 1

**"You loved her?"**

 _"Yes."_

 **"And she loved you?"**

 _"Yes."_

 **"Then why did it end?"**

 _"Because love and compatibility are not always the same thing."_

 **.com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 001**

 **Welcome**

Have you ever hit the concrete flat on your face from a 10 storey jump? Well, probably not in a literal sense, but I'm sure it's felt like it a time or two in your life. The worst feeling in the entire world. You just kind of shut down and become this terrified-by-everything overly-anxious shell of a person, the shadow of who you were before all that terrible shit happened.

Maybe it's reassuring to know that you aren't the only one.

But maybe it's not.

Oh well.

Everyone copes in a different way, it's one of the many things that make people who they are; how they deal with grief, sadness, anger, any emotion in a strong enough form. People cope in so many ways: drugs, drinking, sex, music, painting, writing, singing, dancing, sleeping, eating. And not one single person copes the same way.

But here I am, writing all this bullshit in hopes that it'll help me cope with what the fuck has happened the past 5 years of my life. Jesus Christ.

I'm not really sure where to start this whole thing exactly, but we'll go back a little further back than 5 years. Fill in a few blanks and go from there.

Ladies and gentlemen, let us begin the shitlord tale of my life, 28-year-old Logan Henderson-Teller, the pathetic mess of the decade.

*high hat hit**Cshh*

I guess there's no place better to start than the beginning. Ah, freshmen year. It's the year of innocence and anxiety, no? Yeah. I remember being this terrified little 14-year-old engulfed in a flood of people much bigger than me. It was fucking terrifying. You hear all these horror stories or high school as a build up, and I think that terrifies the shit out of you more than anything; the build up. Moving on.

So, there I was..

 _The bell for lunch had just rang, and I was not looking forward to it. I lucked out and got first round lunch, which apparently was rare for a Freshmen. That's what I get for being in advanced classes. Shit._

 _I waited a little bit so the halls would clear out; I'm 5'3", not exactly the tallest guy around. The last thing I need is trampled on my first day of high school._

 _I found my way downstairs to the lunch room, which was even better cause my next class was art, right down the hallway._

 _I didn't see anyone I knew, they were mostly Juniors and Seniors. I found an empty table and sat my books down and slid my leather jacket off, handing it off the back of the chair. I went through the quicklane line, getting a bottle of water anda bag of chips. I didn't have much of an appetite._

 _I rushed back to the table that was still completely vacant and reclaimed my seat. I opened up my journal for the school newspaper and started writing a bit on my surroundings. Mrs. Buckley, the teacher in charge of the paper, came to me last year and asked if I would join. I had a gift for writing, apparently._

 _There wasn't a lot of information to retain this first day, so I went back to eating my chips, keeping eye contact with anyone to a minimul; and then my life got fucked._

Now, kids, let me tell you exactly what I mean by fucked; you know how you look both ways before crossing the street so you don't get hit by a car? I looked both ways and then got hit by a fucking airplane. That's how fucked my life got pretty much after that very moment. D.

 _"Mind if we sit here?" I didn't want to look up. I could tell he was bigger than me, and his voice was so deep definitely older than me, too._

 _Against my better judgement (_ and here came the fuckery) _I looked up to see these piercing baby blues eyes staring back down to me, surrounded by a greasy head of blonde hair._

 _"Uhm," I didn't answer them, but I moved my shit out of the way. He and four others sat down, leaving chairs on both of my sides open, thank god. I just minded my business and stayed quiet, but that was, I guess, the wrong move._

 _"Do you not speak?" The same one who asked for them to sit there asked me. I shrugged._

 _"I'm not talkative." I knew I had said it in more of a whisper than a regular tone, but what are you gonna do? I was shy as hell._

 _"Well that's a problem." he said. He took the final drink of his milk and crumpled it up, tossing it on his empty tray with the other trash. "If you're gonna sit here all year, you gotta talk." The other three guys looked at him with smirks. He was fucking with me, he was fucking with me so bad._

 _"And who said I'd be sitting here all year?"_

 _He chuckled and leaned back, motioning his hands all around the cafeteria. "See any other tables?"_

 _Mother fucking shit. This was literal the only place I could sit at this point. Way to fucking go, kid. He sighed and blinked hard, one time._

 _"I'm Logan." First name basis, that was it._

 _"Jax, this is Opie," he motioned to the scruffy beared brunette next to him. "That's Rex," the tall lanky brunette. "And that's Marty." Another greasy brunette with the start of a beer gut. Great. Take a look Logan, you're lunch buddies for the next 9 months of your life._

 _It felt like an eternity but the bell finally rang for the next period. I got out of my seat quicker than a bat out of hell and hurried down to the art room._

 _I was the first one in the room, the male teacher behind his desk not even noticing. He was doing something with air brush tools._

 _And then, the second person came in. God fucking damn it._

 _"There he is!" the teacher yelled hopping up. "Thank goodness." he handed Jax all of the air brush equipment that he was working with. "Get these taken apart and throw em in the sink. After that I need you to bring out clay for 3-D Sculpt next period." And he went to work right away._

 _I waited while more students came in, but there were only 5 of us total._

 _"I like this," the teacher, who introduced himself as Mr. Moore, said to us. "I like small groups. It's more, one-on-one." He handed out a blank sheet of paper to everyone there._

 _"Now," he took a seat on one of the tables in the front of the room."Draw me whatever you want. Draw it, paint it. Whatever. You have," he looked at his watch. "15 minutes. Get to it!"_

Funny this is, I still remember the exact thought that came to my head when he said that. Absolutely freedom. I loved the arts, drawing, painting, air brush, chalk, all of it. It was my thing, one of my many coping mechanisms. Ah, the good ole days. Anyways, I drew a skull flower and dude went nuts-o over it.

 _"Stay after school today, we are gonna talk art club!" he told me, handing me a paper about the club. Awesoe. Another club to add to the resume._

 _Asmuch as I almost didn't want to stay after school, I did. In hopes that there would be more people, but, no. Me. Mr. Moore. And Jax. Fucking great._

 _"You came!" Mr. Moore yelled, standing up and going to put away paint brushes._

 _"I, uh, I did. Why are there no other people here yet?"_

 _"Sign ups aren't for another two weeks," he explained. I could literally feel my face drop. "However, I could use a secretary. Mrs. Buckley put in a very nice word for you. And my president," he motioned to Jax. "did too."_

 _Oh? Well, at least he isn't talking shit about me I guess._

 _"I mean, I guess that can work."_

 _So I stayed and talked with Mr. Moore and Jax about art club and what all we do involving it. It was almost going on 4:30 when we caught the time, all of us hurrying around to finish up and leave._

 _"Sorry for keeping you guys so long, hurry home. I'll see you tomorow." Jax and I walked out the back door and Mr. Moore locked it behind us._

 _"Hey!" I had started making my way towards the street when he called after me. My life was monumently fucked up at this point, it was happening. I spun on my heel._

 _"Yes?" I questioned him. He caught up to me, coming to a stop after a brief jog up._

 _"Do you need a ride?" he pulled out his car keys. I thought about it, and a ride did sound much better than walking the two miles to my house. "It's not a problem." I accepted._

 _We walked to his car, it was a big black SUV, with lots of room. I hopped in, setting my books on my lap. I dug through my purse and found my cigarettes (here it comes)._

 _"Can I smoke in here?" He nodded, starting the car. I lit up a cigarette and dug through my cigarette pack, looking for the joit I had rolled that morning (wait for it). "Do you burn?" I asked him, holding it up._

And he gave me that look; the mother fucking look. The one that broke me, my soul, my everything. The look that started all of this dumb ass bullshit. That, kids, is the day Jaxon Teller became my very best friend, and the members of SAMCRO were soon to become family. Now, moving on a bit, let's skip about 3 years, to my high school graduation.

 _Ah, about fucking time. The stress, anxiety and turmoil I had gone through the last 4 years had been so worth it to be here. Valedictorian, top of my class. I was beyong ready for this._

 _I peaked into the auditorium, watching the slide show play. It showed each of our pictures from grade 9 up until our current senior picture. I looked at the sweet innocent shy little 9th grade girl and couldn't help but chuckle. I looked at my reflection in one of the big glass windows. God, I was an adult. Who was I even in 9th grade? and terrified. Weak. I didn't know myself. Now, here I am. Getting ready to go off to college, being who I am._

 _"Pfft, look at this tattoo covered sleeze ball." I had the biggest smile on my face as I turned around to see who said it. There he was, standing there with Gemma and Opie._

 _"Jax!" I screamed, taking off running down the hallway. I'm not sure how I did it in such a tight dress and heels, but I jumped straight up on him, wrapping my entire body around his, hugging him tight. He pulled me closer, layin a hand on the back of my head, hugging me as tight as I was hugging him._

 _"I'm so glad you came!" He set me down easy on the ground. I fidgeted around and pulled my dress back down into place._

 _"Of course we came." his mother said, giving me a kiss on the cheek._

 _"I wouldn't miss this for the world." Jax told me._

 _I wanted to talk more but I was interrupted by Mrs. Buckley yelling for us to come into the gym to get ready for the ceremony to start. I gave all three of them a hug and told them I'd see them after._

Ah, graduation was so bitter sweet. It was amazing, cause I'll never have to deal with that bullshit again. And the summer after graduation? Even more amazing. But the week before I left for college? Absolute worst fucking week of my entire life.

You know how when you make a really good choice in life, but it's a really hard one? Like, you can choose to have 2.5 million dollars, but you can't talk to your mother for an entire 5 years kind of choice. That's what me going away to college felt like.

I was so used to Charming and the people. I felt safe here, comfortable. The people, the places. I literally spent the entirety of that summer at T&M garage, doing nothing but hanging out with my best friend, his best friend, drinking, and smoking trees. It was wonderful. But that week I had to pack my things..

 _It was my third breakdown of the day, and I wasn't even sure I had enough tears to cry anymore. I looked at my luggage in the corner of my room, my entire life packed up into bags and boxes. I was about to move almost 1000 miles from home to start my own chapter as an adult at college. This was about to be the biggest change of my life._

 _"Knock knock." I looked up to see a gloom Jax leaning against my door frame. I quickly patted my face to make sure there were no tears. I tried very hard to compose myself as I stood up and walked from my bed over to him, but it didn't work so well. By the time I made it to him I was hysterical again._

 _I just remember him holding me that entire night while I cried about everything and nothing. He comforted every worry I had, and shut down any fear I tried to create in my own head. I was just this 18-year-old baby, and my 21-year-old best friend was trying his hardest to convince me things would be okay. He kept reminding me that by the time I was his age, I would be done with school and could come home. Kept reminding me that, no matter how crazy things got with his MC, he would be here when I came back._

 _"You'll be okay, kid." he pulled me close, placing a kiss on the top of my head. I put out the joint we were smoking and just sat, leaning against him, watching the sun go down. Tomorrow was the day everything was going to change, tomorrow night I would be going to sleep in a different room, in a different town, around people I didn't know at all._

 _"I'm so scared." I cried to him, pulling his leather kutte close to me. I wanted to remember that smell forever; leather and musk. I never wanted to let this moment go, not ever._

 _He leaned down and lifted my chin up, staring into my eyes._

Here it was, the biggest mind fuck of all of this. The REAL moment all of this bullshit started. The Earth shattering moment, right here.

 _I remember going limp the next second, giving into this desire that was burning inside of my core. His lips were so soft, just how I imagined that were the past 4 years. God, he was such a good kisser. He made me want far more than just a kiss, but I had to keep telling myself no. Sleeping with him the night before I left wasn't a good idea. Hell, this kiss wasn't a good idea. But I couldn't resist, and what harm could a little kiss do?_

A lot. A lot of fucking harm is the answer.

Well, to shorten things up and finish catching you up, I left for college the next day where I lived mostly for the next 4 years, earning my degree. I tried to keep my time in Charming minimal, it made things easier when I had to leave again to go back to college.

It was a sad thing, I didn't see Jax much. The first few visits I made home he hung out non-stop, but as time went on, our time together got short. He took over the role of Vice President in the club and got too busy for me, too busy for whatever the hell it was we had going on. I started hanging out with Opie more, to be honest. Donna and I became really great friends, I even stayed with her when she had their first baby since Opie was out of town on business.

Now, four years of high school, done. Four years of college, done. There I was, 22-years-old, degree in hand, moving all the way back to Charming, California, for the first time in 4 years.

So, you got a taste of the fuckery that's going on in my life. Next blog post I'll dive right in, right where this story really starts. The day I moved back from college.

Absolute fuckery. Seriously.

Okay.

Signing off.

-Logan Henderson-Teller


	2. Chapter 2

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 002**

 **Fuck, man**

So, let me tell all of you one thing I know for sure; filing for a divorce is a fucking cluster fucked mess, okay? Going through a divorce is just a huge mess of everything. It's awful, like pulling teeth while sitting in a bathtub holding a toaster. A mess.

But that's not really important just yet, we'll get caught up and to present day eventually.

But let's get this story started, the day I came home from college. Ah, such a terrible fucking day.

 _ **Now Entering Charming, California. Keep our little town**_ **charming.**

 _I was really hoping I'd feel happier than I did seeing that sign, but I really didn't. When you leave home it's the hardest thing in the world, but they don't tell you that's it's a lot harder to go back after being gone for so long._

 _Pennsylvania was a nice place, I loved Pittsburgh and I loved my friends. Leaving them behind was so fucking hard. But I really did miss this place, especially my parents and Donna and the baby. It's weird how time makes things happen. I hated Donna when her and Opie first started dating my Junior year. Opie was like a brother to me, and I just thought she was a stuck-up bitch. But that's not the case at all. She's one of the sweetest people I've ever gotten to know, and I was so excited to see her._

 _But that was it. After the thrill of seeing her and my parents was done, I wouldn't be so happy, so excited, anymore. It was just coming back to this place, dealing with the emotins and pain I had dealth with for the past 4 years._

 _I knew Jax got married last year, and that sucked. He had barely even paid any attention to me the last, I don't know, 10 times I came into town? Yeah, pretty shitty. Nothing I can do about it now._

 _I nearly missed Donnas house from letting my thoughts go too deep. I turned into her drive way, right behind her vehicle. My parents said they would be stopping over a little later, we were having a small cook out. I lit a cigarette and began walking into the back yard, startled when I heard yelling._

 _"WELCOME HOME!" Everyone screamed. So many fucking people. All of the club, my parents, friends of the club, a few people I had stayed in contact with after High School. Jax, his very pregnant junkie wife. Christ, she looked awful. That poor fucking baby._

 _Donna came waddling over to me, her huge 8-month-pregnant belly meeting me before any other part of her body. I hugged her tight, and she hugged me tighter. It was so nice to see her, God._

 _It was even better seeing my parents sitting at a table over her shoulder. I couldn't help it but I pulled away quick and went running over to them, my dad scopping my up off the ground like he did when I was a little girl. Home._

 _"Hello, princess," he gave me a kiss on the cheek, setting me back down. I leaned over and hugged my mother tight, basking in the smell of our house on her clothes._

 _"How was your drive, honey?" My mom asked, clearing the seat next to her. I sat down, crossing my legs._

 _"Good, not too bad. I'm sure I'll have a nice sleep tonight. Are you guys still okay with me staying with you for the next few nights until I get the key to my apartment?" My mother gave the dumbest look._

 _"Of course! Why would we ever have a problem with that, sweetheart?" She gave me a quick side hug, and then her attention snapped to my dad who was going over to play corn-hole with a few of the guys from the MC._

 _"I'm gonna go talk to Donna and Lindsey." I patted my moms legs and got up, walking back over to preggers and her sister._

 _"Logan, feel!" Donna grabbed my arm and jabbed it to her stomach, my newest little niece or nephew kicking up a storm. I couldn't help but smile. I leaned down to her stomach, rubbing it a bit._

 _"Listen here, kiddo. We really need you to have a vagina, your momma and I are already out numbered, help us out." Donna rolled her eyes, chuckling._

 _"I hope it's a girl, too." That voice was all too familiar. I spun around to see Gemma standing behind me, arms wide open. God, I loved that woman. Though I'm sure Jax didn't know, I had seen her every single time I've come to town. We always managed to spend a little bit of time together, she was like a second mother to me in my teen years._

 _"Was your drive okay, babe?" She asked, pulling away from our hug._

 _I nodded, pushing a piece of my stray hair behind my ear. I shoved my thumbs into my back pockets. "Are you excited to be a grandma?" I motioned by head over to her son and his nearly-nodded-out pregnant wife._

 _She laughed and crossed her arms. "As soon as she pops that baby out, she's gone. I hope she over doses, to be honest. Once that child is born, I don't care. You know they're divorced already, right?" She laughed. I felt the twinkle in my eye at that statement, and I fucking hated it. "Literally married for a month, file for a divorce. Still continue to fuck, and now here we are. Having to be a fucking baby sitter cause she can't put the crank and needle down."_

 _I wanted to keep listening, and I wanted to act like I cared. I didn't care about her, I agreed with Gemma completely. Fuck her. She got everything I ever fucking wanted. NO. No, wrong, Logan. Bad. Wrong! No, but fuck her, seriously. I was hoping Jax wouldn't notice I was staring at him; God damn, what 4 years does to someone. He was gorgeous when I left, and the years just helped him improve._

 _I watched a potential bad situation getting ready to go down; Jax was talking to Opie, and I watched Wendy, the junkie preggers, try and sneak off to the garage, her purse in her clutch._

 _I nugged Gemma. She turned around from talking to Donna._

 _"Huh?" I simply pointed to Wendy and she lost it._

 _"God damn it!" she yelled across the yard. Ah, Gemma. Sweet, crazy, bat-shit-insane, Gemma._

 _Wendy snapped around, pulling her purse closer to her body._

 _"Really?" Jax walked over to her, face red; he was angry, I could tell. "You just really can't stop, fucking once?" he ripped her purse out from under her arm and dumped it out on the sidewalk, needles, spoons and little crank filled bags falling out._

 _"You're fucking pregnant, Wendy!" Even Opie got on her. It's a terrible thing when you're an addict, but being a pregnant addict was other level shit. I kind of felt bad for her, everyone ganging up against her, but at the same time, I didn't at all. She wasn't hurting herself, she was hurting her child. Jaxons child. Oh, fuck. Why did I care this much?_

 _I stood back and watched them all yell at her, and then Jax grab her arm, not hard, just hard enough for her to follow him. He took her to their car, and we heard him saying he was taking her home. He wasn't dealing with her._

 _Since drama seemd to be a usual thing around this place, no one missed a beat. They just went back to what they were doing before. Gemma made her way back over to us._

 _"I just can't stand it," she bitched. "Out of all the people that dumbass could have gotten pregnant, it was her. Holding out hope that it'd be you." I felt my cheeks turn completely red. Every fucking time, huh, Gemma? Literally every time I've ever spoken to her it's always about how she just wished Jax had been with me, because we would have been perfect together and she loved me. It kind of got on my nerves, because it was exactly how I felt, but I was really trying to push that away._

 _"I just hope she can hold out for a little while longer, that baby isn't close to ready yet. She's only 30 weeks. I'm 35 and they still don't want me to go for at least another 3." Donna rubbed her stomach, I could see her mom face come on. Little Toby started crying and instantly, she was across the yard, picking him up out of his play pin. He had just turned 1 about a month ago, God he was getting so big._

 _I felt someone gently punch my shoulder, and I spun around. "OPE!" I yelled, finally getting the chance to see and talk to him since Jax left with Wendy. I gave him a big bear hug, and he kissed the top of my head._

 _"Was your drive alright?"_

 _I nodded. "Yeah, it was nice. Lots of scenery." He smiled, nodding._

 _"Good, good." He got a little closer to where Gemma and Lindsey couldn't hear us. "So listen," he started. "If you aren't doing anything later tonight, Jax said you should stop by the club house." I was fucking shocked. I could literally feel how open and surprised my face was, and Opie knew exactly what I was thinking; he just shrugged. "But you should stop." And he walked away._

So, you see where things got a little fuckered up that first day home, huh? Yeah, no. This was just the first few hours I was back. Let's get into the first night I was back, shall we? God, one of the best/worst days ever.

 _I helped Donna and Gemma clean everything up from the party, and stayed around until Donna got Toby down for bed. She looked exhausted._

 _"I'm gonna head out for the night," I hugged her tight. "I'll call you tomorrow when I get up, maybe me, you and Toby can go to lunch or something." She nodded, smiling. Donna and I loved our girl time, for sure._

 _I left, closing her door behind me. I got in my car and pulled out my phone, dialing Opies cell phone number. He answered on the third ring, and I could tell he was at the club house._

 _"You coming?" he asked, I could hear the music and laughs in the background, the sound of pool balls clacking against one another._

 _"Yeah. I need to buy a quarter, also. I'll be there in 15." Ope let out a chuckle before hanging out. That was his, "Yeah, same old Logan I've always known" laugh._

 _I turned the radio on, finding something decent to listen to while I drove. No matter all the MCs and illegal activity and violence, Charming was a beautiful and quiet town at night. I loved driving it with the windows down._

 _Ah, MGK. You can never go wrong with MGK._

 _I pulled up to the T &M Garage where I had spent so many years of my youth hanging out. It became my home away from home, and everyone here became my family. I couldn't wait to be back in this atmosphere. _

_I parked next to Opie's bike, grabbing my things and heading inside the clubhouse. As soon as I walked in a cloud of smoke fogged my vision. I walked througt, all of the familiar members coming into sight._

 _"Look at this little Las!" Chibs made his way over to me, hugging my tight with one arm, his other hand occupied with a pool stick. Bobby was the next to hug me; pepperoni and cigarettes, what a great smell. Tig came lastly, hugging me the tightest of all._

 _After talking to them for a minute, I found Opie and made my way over._

 _"About time, fucking slow poke." he joked at me, pulling a bar stool out for me. One of the crow eaters came up and took my drink order; captain and coke._

 _"Shut up, Winston." he elbowed him. "Someone had to make sure Donna was all taken care of and tucked in." I winked at him. He rolled his eyes. Ah, it was always fun to fuck with Ope. "So where's my tree?" I asked, tossing him $70._

 _"Catch, Hendy." and like cat fucking reflexes I caught that bag with one hand, looking up to see who tossed it. "Still got those reflexes." Jax came over, sitting down in the stool next to me. My face felt hot, but I tried to remain calm._

 _"Yeah, I guess so." I really didn't even know what to say, so it was a good thing he did the talking._

 _"So I'm sorry I couldn't see you, erm, the last few times you came into town. I've been busy." The last FEW times? Fuck you, seriously. I want to throw my drink in his face, but I'm not that crazy. I think I'm growing as a person._

 _"Yeah, I see that." I drank back the rest of my drink and had the Crow Eater get me another one. "Getting married, getting divorced, having a kid. Living the dream, huh?" That was bitchy, I knew it was. But he deserved it. I felt mostly bad for Opie, he was just sitting there, observing, watching two people he cared a lot about being hostile towards one another._

 _Jax chuckled, taking a big swig of his drink. "Yeah." He was a little pissed. "What have you been up to on the East Coast, yankee hot shot, huh?" I raised my eye brows at him. I was a little heated after that, too. He didn't have the right to be mad at me for leaving this place. It was something all of us talked about doing at one point or another._

 _"Doing things other than staying stuck in Charming. Making friends, seeing somewhere other than here. Oh yeah, getting a college degree. Bachelors of Science, it's great shit." I was trying to be the biggest fucking asshole possible, but that was a hard feat when it came to Jaxon Teller; he has always been better at being the bigger asshole._

 _I finished my second drink and while I waited for my third to be poured I busted out my grinder and rolled, quickly rolling a joint, around a gram in it._

 _I nugged Opie who had started talking to Bobby who walked up a few minutes prior._

 _"You wanna hit this?" He declined._

 _"You know Donna doesn't like me coming home smelling like weed." I rolled my eyes. Lies, but I wasn't goint to argue with him._

 _"I'll smoke it with you."Jax said, finishing off what was left in his glass demanding another drink from the tender._

 _I took a sip of my new drink and lit the joint, hitting it a few times before deciding if I should pass it to him or not. Probably against my better judgement, I did._

 _"Listen," he hit it and exhaled. "I'm not trying to be a dick tonight or have hostile feelings." Well it was a little too late for that. "I'm dealing with some shit and I just really wanted to see you and talk to you. You saw the kind of bullshit going on in my life today. I just," he hit it again and then handed it back to me."I needed my Hendy."_

He needed his Hendy. This is probably the one statement that had me most fucked up that first day back, to be honest with you. It was something he always said when either of us were having a really hard time and just needed to break down. He needed his Hendy, and I needed my Tell-Tell. It was a dumb cutesie thing we did, but it still meant a lot to me.

 _"You are going through some shit, aren't you?" And like clockwork, a sign sent from the Heavens, his cell phone rang. He motioned me with a finger 'just a minute' and took the call. I drifted over into the conversation Bobby and Opie were having, puffing on the joint alone. It was a short phone call, and I could tell something was wrong._

 _He jumped up, chugging down his entire drink and throwing his leahter kutte on._

 _"I gotta go." he headed for the door. I finished my drink quick, too, and jumped out of my seat as fast as my legs and feet would let me. I barely had ahold of my purse when I was out the door, behind him._

 _"Jaxon!" I yelled after him. He was headed straight for his bike, starting it up immediately. "What's wrong?!" I asked over the hum of his engine._

 _"It was Ma." he looked away from me, and then back after composing his emotions. "Wendy shot up too much, they're taking her in to take the baby. It's being born now, I have to go." He was about to speed off, and I grabbed him arm, once again, against my better fucking judgement. I was stupid._

 _"Let me come with you." He needed his Hendy. He paused for a second and then handed me his helmet. I hopped on the back and we took off; I suddenly felt 17 again, free from everything. When things were different, innocent, and easy._

 _The ride to St. Thomas was a very short one, especially with how fast Jax was driving. We were off the bike and charing through the halls of the hospital in minutes. We found Gemma sitting in the hallway, and she jumped to her feet as soon as we got there._

 _"Where is she?" his tone was hurt, I knew that for a fact. It's crazy, even with all this time away, I could still pick up on the little things about him; things that hadn't changed._

 _"She's in the OR, they took her for a c-section. Clay is on his way here now, I called the club house and told them what's going on. Bobby and Chibbs are gonna take care of everything for right now."_

 _Gemma walked over tome, hugging me, as if I was the one dealing with emotional distress right now. But Jax was never one to let his emotions get the best of him. I think the hug was more for Gemma herself than it was for me._

 _What was only about another hour felt like days. We sat there in silence, just waiting and waiting. Jax didn't stay around for long periods of time; he'd go to the vending machines, or the cafe, or outside to smoke cigarettes._

 _Gemma and I did have good timing though. We went out for a quick smoke and upon our return, Wendys doctor was there._

 _"Call Jax." she whispered to me as she walked up to the doctor._

 _I called and told him he needed to come back up, and he was there in minutes. The doctor waited for him._

 _"Mr. Teller?" Jax nodded. "Your, uhm, ex-wife is in a medically induced coma to help with the withdraw she's going to go through over the next few days. Your son is stable, but he does have a lot of major issues. We are going to try and take care of each issue, one at a time, but he will not be going home anytime soon. If you'd like to see him, you can."_

 _He looked stone cold, emotionless. That was when he was at his very worst._

 _"The three of you can follow me." The doctor walked us back to a small dark room with a little incubater in it, Jaxs beautiful son inside of it. He was so little, the smallest baby I've ever seen. You could tell he was premie. The weight monitor said he wasn't even 4 pounds. He was covered in wires and tubes, all helping him live._

 _"Oh, hello little boy." Gemma greeted her first grand child in a soft tone. She walked close to him, kneeling down to look him over. "He looks exactly like you as a baby."_

 _I chuckled. I had seen one too many baby pictures to not completely agree with her. He was a spitting image of Jaxon._

 _One of the NICU nurses came up to Jax._

 _"Mr. Teller, do you have a name for your son?"_

 _Jax sat down in the chair closest to the incubater, putting his hand up on it, watching his son struggle to take breaths._

 _"Abel Christopher Teller."_

 _I watched Gemma melt._

 _"That's the most perfect name for the most perfect little boy." she stood behind her son, hands on his shoulder. "He'll pull through this. He's a fighter, just like his daddy."_

 _I stayed quiet and just observed, but that ended when Jax got up and left the room. Gemma motioned me to follow him, so I did._

 _I watched him fast stride down the hallway until he got to a bathroom. I ran quick and pushed my way through before he could lock the door behind him._

 _"I want to be alone right now." he told me sternly._

 _I locked the bathroom door. "Right. So what that actually means is you need your Hendy."_

 _He looked up at me with those big blue fucking eyes. Those were so shiny, I could tell they were full of tears. He was always so strong, but right now he didn't need to be._

 _"I know you don-"_

And before I continue with what happened, know that the next part was the absolutely biggest fuck up of the century. The fuck up that snowballed the rest of the fuck-ups, if you will. My bad.

 _I thought my sentence was going to come out, but the wall meeting the back of my head and lips pressed on mine stopped that. I couldn't help it, not one bit. I was weak, I was so fucking weak. I wanted to yell no and run out but GOD DAMN IT I couldn't. I let him kiss me, I like him rough handle me. I let him grab me up by my legs and carry me to the sink. I let him kiss and bite me all up and down._

 _And I let him slide my pants down and pull his down also. And, god fucking damn it, I let him fuck me on that sink. Right then and there in the hospital. I gave in. I gave in to years of lost time and stacked emotions I've had._

 _It was the purest form of ecstacy I had ever experiance. It was madness how good it felt on every level, and it seemed to be the same for him, too._

 _It was the moment I knew I had fucked up. I was completely_ STILL _in love with Jaxon Teller. Head over heels fucking in love with him._

 _We both got dressed quick and headed out of the bathroom. We were like two fifteen years old having sex for the first time, acting stupid and giddy. I was just glad it made him feel better about the current situation._

 _We found Gemma standing around in the hallway, waiting. She gave both of us the 'I know what you did' look and then moved on. No need to make a big deal about it._

 _The three of us left the hospital for the night, I told Jax I would come back with him tomorrow if he wanted._

 _I rode back to the club house with Jax to get my car and head home._

 _"So," he kicked the dust under his feet._

 _"So?" I questioned, leaning against my car and lighting a cigarette._

 _He bit his lip and looked at me. He craddled my face with his big strong hands, making my head float._

 _"I can't fix lost time." he began. "But you're here again, and I have to start somewhere. Let me show you I'm sorry."_

 _I didn't know what to think or say in all honesty. My head was so fuzzy, I needed to get some sleep and think about all of this. I was taken back, so fallen over him. It was horrible. So in love it put me in physical pain._

 _"Let me sleep on it. I'll call you tomorrow and we can go see Abel and talk about it."_

 _He kissed me on the cheek and I left, heading to my parents._

 _Fuck. My. Entire. Life._

And that was just day 1 of me being back to Charming. I didn't make the best decisions, but I was never very good at doing that. In fact, I sucked most at decision making to be completely honest. But I can't change that now.

To most people it seemed like the perfect happy ending to an almost 10-year-long love story. But let me tell you from experiance, you can't have that perfect happy ending on the day it starts. There's a lot of bullshit that happens still, and I guarantee that bullshit will make it so the ending is anything but happy.

I've been trying to think of where to pick this back up, and I think the day Abel comes home from the hospital will be a good one.

Until my next posts,

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	3. Chapter 3

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 003**

 **The shit spiral**

I am stressed to the fucking max, guys. Divorce papers, mediation hearings, break of testimony. I can't deal with all of this bullshit at once.

Which is why I'm glad I decided to start this blog and let all of this out. It helps. Mostly because, while I tell you the story of how my life got to this point, to this crazy shit storm, I get to think back and remember all the good times.

While things are awful right now, don't believe me if you ever see me say it was all bad, because it really wasn't.

I'm just extremely bitter and want the bad to outweigh the good. While the bad is catostrophic, there were still many more good times than there were bad times.

Like this day, the day Abel got to come home with his father.

Can you tell I'm not in as shitty of a mood today? Still stressed over everything going on currently, but like I said, we'll get ever eventually.

Now, the day little man got to come home. Ah.

 _It was sickening almost how close Jax and I had been these past two months of me being home. I had started my new teaching job at Charming Heights, I had gotten moved into my apartment. I spent almost all of my free-time with Jax, wherever he was. It mostly at the hospital with him and Gemma, checking up on little Abel. He had gotten so big, and so strong._

 _I was so excited driving Jaxs Escalade to St. Thomas. I kept peaking into the back seat to look at the empty car seat that would soon have a miniture Jax in it. I was as excited as Jax and Gemma were to bring him home._

 _I pulled up to the hospital and parked next to Gemmas car, headed in as quick as my feet would work. It was a Friday, so I was the last one to show up, I had to wait for my class to let out; I couldn't be leaving early the first week of school._

 _When I got inside and to the 5th floor I saw Gemma, staring through the maternity ward window, looking as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning._

 _"You're here!" she cheered. I ran over, joining the beautiful sight with her. The nurse, whos name was Amber, handed Jaxon his son, fire and tube free for the first time in two months. It was beautiful, and he looked so natural holding him. It was like him looking down at a smaller version of himself._

 _Jax walked out with him in his arms, smiling._

 _"Here Abel, go see Gramma." he passed him off to Gemma, and I watched her fall in love all over again._

 _Jax pulled me to the side, now much more stone and serious._

 _"What's up?" I asked._

 _"Wendy. She's here and wants to see him, to come home with us." I wasn't thrilled at that in the least bit, and it looked like he wasn't either. I was gonna take care of this, whether he liked it or not._

 _"I'll be back." I patted his shoulder, walking away. I was hoping to find her in the visitors area._

 _I was lucky with that one, cause right there she was sitting. I could still tell she was strung out, she looked higher than hell, and she was scratching something fierce._

 _"What're you doing here?" she questioned me immediately. I didn't even give her time to say anything else, I grabbed her arm and began walking towards outside. "Hey!" she shouted. I pulled her close._

 _"Make a scene and I promise nothing the MC could ever do to you would compare to what I'm capable of." She stayed quiet as we made our way outside._

 _I drug her to the side of the building, and we stopped. I pulled out a cigarette and I was even nice enough to give her one._

 _"What's going on?" she asked me._

 _"Why the fuck are you here?" I spat at her_

 _She jumped. "My son is comi-"_

 _I cut her off. "No," I shook my head, and let out a small chuckle. "Not_ your _son. He's Jaxs son, that's it. As far as he knows, you're dead."_

 _She looked hurt, but I didn't care._

 _"You don't get to say-"_

 _"No, I do. I get to say what Jax would to you if he wasn't so nice right now. Wendy, I will make you this promise; you will_ NEVER _get to call yourself that perfect little boys mother. He was in the hospital for two months because of your stupid choices."_

 _Her eyes filled with tears. Was I evil because I didn't care? Oh well._

 _"And look at you," I grabbed her arm and ripped her sleeve up. Track marks, everywhere. "You're high as fuck right now, you're using like crazy. You aren't stable to be anyones mother." I took a last hit of my cigarette and threw it. "I'm going to walk back inside this hospital to bring Abel home with his father and grandmother, and you? You're going to leave and go whereever, I don't give a shit, but don't you ever fucking come back here." I pushed her against the wall and got right in her face. "If you do ever come back, I swear on everything precious to me, you'll regret it. You'll wish I'd fucking kill you. Stay far away from Charming, far away from Abel, and far away from Jax." And I spit at her feet. I turned the corner and headed back into the hospital._

 _I had no remorse over that situation, not a drop. It felt good to tell Wendy-the-junkie just how I felt. How dare she try to walk back into this. You didn't deserve a place here. She couldn't even stay sober for 9 fucking months for her son. Selfish, stupid fucking bitch._

 _Upon my entrance Jax immediately came over to me._

 _"What did you do?"_

 _I shrugged, avoiding eye contact. "Nothing." I lied._

 _He looked at me, knowing my bullshit. "Logan..."_

 _"Nothing you wouldn't approve of. I just let Wendy know her place." And I walked right past him. He didn't seem to have a problem with the truth. We both just moved on._

 _One of the nurses came over, handing Jax final papers to sign so we could all leave._

 _"Here, hold him, Logan." Gemma handed the tiny human over to me. I carefully held him, supporting his head, snuggling him close to my chest. He was so beautiful, so precious._

 _"Hey bubbas." I gave him my index finger, and he wrapped his strong little hand around it. HIs baby blue eyes blinked open, looking straight at me. My heart felt like it had melted into a puddle._

 _I felt Jax lay his hand on my shoulder. I looked back up at him and he was smiling._

 _"You ready to go home?" He asked he small son._

 _We were all so ready._

 _Well, ready for him to come home._

 _I don't think any of us, excepy for maybe Gemma, were ready to be first time parents._

 _Since it was the weekend I was staying at Jaxs, I had my bag packed and everything. I figured it would help him adjust to living with a newborn, also._

 _But oh boy, we both were biting off more than we could chew right then. Parenting was a lot harder than either of us had assumed._

 _Everything was fine all evening. Opie and Donna stopped over, and that was great. I hadn't seen her in about two weeks, she was busy adjusting to life as a mother of two. But it was nice to have her there to give us advice. Absolutely insane that Abel was two months older than little Raven but they were about the same size; Abel was only a few ounces bigger than her. Fucking junkie bitch Wendy._

 _Jax and Opie were out in the garage, talking about something stupid that boys talk about. Who knows. Donna and I sat on the couch, she was holding Abel, I was holding Raven. Toby was fast asleep, laying on Donnas lap._

 _"She's so beautiful." I brushed my hand soft against her little head, full of lots of thick curly dark hair. She got that from her daddy._

 _Donna smiled, looking down at Abel. "Isn't it crazy how much he looks like Jax?" I nodded, agreeing completely. If I don't know any better, I'd say Jax made him in a lab. "Shit, I did all the work for these two and they both still look like Opie." She chuckled. "Hoping Raven grows out of that, though." We both laughed at that. Which was a bad move, because it made Raven really fussy. She started whining and I paniced._

 _"Trade me." I told her, handing the little girl back to her mother. Donna chuckled, switching me babies. Toby woke up too, looking crabby as hell._

 _"I think it's time we went home." Donna stood up and went into the garage to tell Opie she was ready to leave. I helped her get both kids in their car seats while Abel sat in his swing. We all said our goodbyes and Jax and I closed and locked the door for the night._

 _We came into the living room to find Abel fast asleep in his swing._

 _"Think we could sneak a smoke in?" I asked, feeling like I could really use a pick me up. Jax grabbed the baby monitors Gemma has picked up, setting one right next to Abel and taking the other one with us out to the garage. I sat on one of the benches, pulling out a joint of my cigarette pack, lighting it. Jax walked, spreading my legs and walking between them._

 _"So what did you say to Wendy today?" he asked snatching the joint out of hands to hit himself. I sighed._

 _"I just told her she wasn't welcome here again and she would never get the chance to be a mother to Abel." I looked at him with wandering eyes, waiting to see or not see his approval._

 _I sighed a breath in relief. He smirked at me and handed me the joint._

 _"I think that was the right thing to say." He pushed a little closer to me, grabbing the belt loops on both sides of my shorts. "I'm glad you're staying this weekend. It's going to help a lot." He started genlty rubbing a hand through my hair._

 _I passed the joint back to him. He hit it once and then flipped it around and pulled my head close to his to give me a shotgun. I took all of it, feeling my head change quick. I was right where I needed to be._

 _We pulled away, me exhaling and him taking the joint out of his mouth and putting it out._

 _It was like an instant vibe; we both leaned in for the perfect kiss. It was sweet, and warm, and melty. He held onto my head, a little aggressive. God fucking damn it I loved how manly he was. So dominating. Always making sure I knew who the boss was._

 _In a matter of minutes it was a full on makeout session, and soon he had picked me up off the counter and started carrying me into the house. A little unsexy, but I was clenching the baby monitor in my fist, making sure we could hear Abel. He was still asleep when we came through the living room._

 _We made it to the bedroom and he threw me down, my body bouncing off the matress a bit. He pulled his shirt off and was on top of me in minutes, holding my arms against the bed, placing rough kisses and soft bites all over my neck._

 _My legs squirmed under him, his pelvis pushing into mine. In a matter of seconds he had my shirt taken off me, kissing all over my breasts, cneaking his tongue into my bra a bit to clip the side of my nipple. Christ, he was a fucking God in bed._

 _He made his way down my stomach, unbuttoning my shorts as quick as he could. He placed little kisses all alone my panty line, getting ready to pull them down. I was so fucking wet. Just as he kissed the top of my slit it happened._

 _"Fuck!" I jumpe up, running to the living room. Abel was screaming his head off. I picked him up bringing him against my chest and bouncing him. He was literally screaming bloody murder poor little guy. I walked back to the bedroom with him._

 _"Babe," I didn't call him babe often, but I felt like now was the time. "Can you get in my bag and grab my night shirt and shorts?" He nodded, going to unzip it.I headed out to the kitchen, Abel screaming in my ear. I got out formula and a bottle. I opened the fridge and got the distilled water out._

 _I made the bottle as quick as I could with one hand. I got it together, and tested the temperature. It was perfect. I headed into the living room and sat the bottle down. I grabbed his feeding pillow and sat down on the couch. I positioned the screaming little one in seconds and popped the bottle into his mouth; silence._

 _Jax came out and gave me my clothes. I slipped my shirt on, but my pants were goig to have to wait. I wasn't disturbing Abel; I didn't want to hear that cry ever again, it made me upset. I don't like that he cries like that at all._

 _Jax came over and sat down next to me, wraping his arm around my shoulder. I leaned in close to him, sighing. We both just looked down at Abel, eating his bottle. He was chugging it down._

 _I ran my hand gently through his little blonde hair._

 _"I can't believe how much he looks like you." I told Jax. I looked up at him, and he was smiling a big goofy smile._

 _What he said next, I didn't expect. "I wish he looked like you."_

 _I just looked at him, not sure what to say. So, I just let my mouth go before my mind had time to think._

 _"What do you think would have happened if I never left for college?"_

 _Jax chuckled. "You would have a lot of regrets right now." Not the answer I expected to get. "I wanted you to stay, I wanted you to stay so fucking bad. But I knew if you didn't leave, you'd never get out. You'd never have a chance to get out. You'd always be stuck here, and you'd hate me and everything and everyone here."_

 _He wasn't wrong._

 _"I'm glad I left." I was glad. I made a lot of life long friends, and my school was a really great one. That's why they hired me at Charming Heights. Well, that and Mrs. Buckley was still talking me up to this day. I loved that woman, and I loved getting the chance to work with her now. "But I'm glad I came back. And I'm glad I get to be here for you and Abel."_

 _He pulled me close in a hug, snuggling me and Abel tight. He laid his other hand on Abels tummy, feeling him eat and breath._

 _After he was done with his bottle I burped him and got him back to sleep. I took him and his monitor into the room Gemma had made perfect for him. I laid him down in the crib, being as quiet as possibly as I left the room. Jax was in the living room, picking up a bit. I came up behind him and hugged him tight, my hands running over his chest muscles. Mmm._

 _I kissed his back and pulled away, finally grabbing my shorts and slipping them on. I helped him finish picking up and we both grabbed a glass of water and headed to bed. It was almost midnight and we were both exhausted from the day._

 _I snuggled up against Jax bare chest, hugging him tight while he played with my hair. I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't like not being able to see Abel while he slept._

 _"Should I bring him in here? He can sleep in the basinet."_

 _Jax looked down at me, a small smile on his face._

 _I hopped out of the bed and got Abel as gently and quietly as possible. Luckily he never woke up once. I felt 1000 times better being able to watch him sleep, see him breath. Knowing that I could hear him no matter what._

 _Jax pulled me close to him, holding my body tight. Slowly, we both started drifitng off to sleep after the long, eventful day._

 _2:12 am_

 _I jumped awake when I heard Abels cry._

 _"Shh, shh, buddy." I tried to wake myself up as quick as possible, turning on the lamp on the nightstand. I jumped to my feet, rubbing my eyes. Jax was starting to wake up, but I told him not to worry, I got it._

 _I picked Abel up, instantly feeling his wet diaper._

 _"Poor bubbas," I walked down the hallway, trying to calm him down. I entered his room, turning the light on. I got him changed quick, and put new dry clothes on him. He was still a little fussy so I gave him a binky, and not too long after he was asleep again. It was almost 3am by that time, and I was ready for more sleep._

 _He looked like a peaceful little angel laying there. I crawled back into bed and snuggled up to Jax. I was out like a light._

 _5:10 am_

 _I struggled to get my eyes open this time, but it was his hungry cry. I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I looked at the clock and sighed. Well, looked like my day was starting early._

 _I got up and grabbed the baby, heading to the kitchen. I dropped him off in the living room in his swing, just letting him cry it out until I finished his bottle. I made his bottle and got a pot of coffee started._

 _I came back in and brought him up on the couch with me, feeding him his bottle._

 _After he ate, was burped, and I changed him again he was content. I put some early morning cartoons on the TV and sat him in front of it in his swing. He was happy as could be._

 _I got myself a cup of coffee and came back into the living room, sitting on the couch and watching Abel. I may have been dead tired, but it was a nice morning. I was loving this step-parent thing._

 _It was only about to be 6, so I figured I might as well start breakfast. Jax was always up before 8am anyways._

 _I kept looking in to check on Abel evey 5 minutes, but I managed to make a nice breakfast. Scrambled eggs, bacon, susage, coffee, OJ and toast. I got everything on plates and out on the table before going back to wake up Jax._

 _Somewhere bewteen my last check and walking through back to the bedroom, Abel had fallen asleep._

 _I crawled into the big bed and up onto Jax who woke up immediately, smiling at me, leaning in to give me a kiss._

 _"Good morning, beautiful." He said. I leaned off of him and he sat up, streching. Mm, god did it look good when he stretched like that._

 _"Breakfast is on the table, Abel is fed and sleeping again. Just get up and come eat with me." He gave me another kiss and a nice slap on the ass before I headed out to the kitchen._

 _We ate breakfast and cleaned up the kitchen together. By that time Abel was awake, and we decided to give him a bath. He peed on me and then got upset at being cold and had a minor freakout._

 _We got him dressed in his cute little sons outfit Clay and Gemma got him. The two of us got dressed and ready. I packed a diaper bag full of anything I could possibly need for the day for him, and we were off to T &M. It was a Saturday so it peaceful, mostly just the guys hanging out. It was going on almost 1 o'clock and I was starting to feel tired._

 _When we got there Gemma ran over to the car._

 _"How's my baby?" She immediately fought her way to Abel and snatched him up, snuggling him close to her chest. "How was the first night home?" I shrugged._

 _"Exhausting. I'm so tired." Gemma chuckled._

 _"Better get used to it, sweetie. The next 7 years of your life are gonna be you learning to function being exhausted." Oh great. Just what I was ready to be; sleep deprived._

 _Gemma and I went into the club house while Jax went to talk to Clay and Opie out in the garage._

 _I remember making it inside and setting his diaper bag on the pool table while I sat in a chair. I was out in seconds, sitting up._

 _First 24 hours with Abel? Totally worth it._

So, there were some happy times. Actually, there were a lot of happy times. And you'll heard about them.

I can't say Jax was really that horrible of a person, because I remember times like this. Times when we were good together, when our love outweighed everything else.

But happiness like that doesn't last all the time. And that just has to be okay.

I don't know. I'm in some type of mood tonight.

Anyways, I have to go meet Jax to talk about a few things.

Next blogpost I'm skipping almost a year in time. The 5-year-mark. When things that spirling out of control.

Be ready.

Signing off.

Logan Henderson-Teller


	4. Chapter 4

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 004**

 **I'm just not sure**

OKAY. Let me say this one more time, and let me make this clear; I fucking hate Jaxon Teller. I hate him with everything inside of me. But guess what? I fucking love him, too. With every part of my being, I still love him.

Things are getting harder to deal with on a day to day basis, but what can you do? Just gotta roll with the punches, deal with what life throws at you. For me, it was a big pile of shit.

But it's like this; every song I hear makes me sad, every road I drive on makes me anxious. It's like he took everything that was beautiful in my life and set it up so that it would destroy me when he left, fucking crumble my entire existance into my own hands. How you can fix yourself when you're that broken?

Don't fall in love with someone like Jaxon Teller. He'll take you to museums, and parks, and monuments. He'll kiss you in every beautiful place you come across, and you'll never be able to go back to them without tasting him like blood in your mouth

He fucking destoryed me in the most beautiful way possible. He made me finally understand why storms were named after people.

He was my greatest strength at one point, now my greatest downfall. It was literally killing me. All of this.

But, I'm gonna move on from this. Let me tell you about this day, a day I will remember for the entirety of my fucking life. It was honestly one of the best days of my life.

Here we go

 _I had just dropped Abel off with Gemma at T &M. He was still half asleep but very fussy. He always got fussy when Jax or I had to leave him for work. I hated having to leave him, just as much. It was never fun having to hear him yell, "Mum mum, muuum." through tear filled eyes and a scratchy throat. I loved that little boy with my entire heart. He may not have biologically been mine, but it didn't matter. To him, I was his mother, and to me, he was my son._

 _I pulled into Charming Heights just before 7, hurrying up to my classroom. Homeroom wouldn't be here for a little over 30 minutes, so I had some time._

 _I dropped my things off and got lights and my computer turned on, then headed to the teachers lounge to get coffee._

 _I returned to my room, dropped my steamy beverage off, and grabbed my purse and headed to the bathroom._

 _I got in and locked the door, sitting down._

 _I was so fucking nervous to do this. Beyond nervous, actually._

 _I had been a mother for over the past year, but I don't know. Was I ready to be pregnant? Was I ready for another kid? This first year, as great as it was, was the most stressful and trialing year of my life thus far. Being a parent isn't easy work._

 _I pulled out the pregnancy test and ripped it open, shoving it into the toilet quickly; my bladder was about to burst._

 _I set a 3 minute timer on my phone and waited, pacing around the bathroom while the test sat on the sink._

 _Was I ready to be a mother of two at 23? I guess it wasn't really up to me at this point. Jax and I had been having unprotected sex for the past year. Lots in the past three months esepcially since I moved in. I smiled. I loved living there with him and Abel, it was the life I wanted before. It was so wonderfully nice getting to come home to what I dreamed of everyday for years. I loved it._

 _My phone started beaping. I shut it off and snapped over, taking a huge breath before looking at the test. It was now or never._

 _I grabbed the little white stick and lifted it up, the rest of my life staring me right into the face._

 _Positive._

 _I shoved the positive test into my purse, letting out a big breath._

 _I was emotional as fuck and I needed to compose myself for my class._

 _I hurried out of the bathroom and back to my class room, propping the door open. I needed to remain calm and not say anything to anyone today. Not before I told Jax or my parents. Well, except Judy. Mrs. Buckley was like a second mother to me, I had to tell her first._

 _The first half of the day until lunch went fast. After my last Bio 2 sudent was out of the room, I ran out behind him, locking my door. I fast walked down the hall to Judys classroom. It was also her free-period, so she was working on stuff for the school paper and eating lunch._

 _"Knock, knock." I said, walking in and shutting her door. She stopped what she was doing and pulled an empty chair over next to here._

 _"Why hello, hello." she took a drink of her water, washing food out of her mouth. "How's the day treating you? Andrew act up today?"_

 _I leaned back, chuckling. "When doesn't he act like a little fuck." She laughed. "So listen, I have some news."_

 _She turned to me with a look that made her seem like a 15-year-old girl waiting for the newest gossip._

 _"I'm pregnant, Judy."_

 _I could tell she was so happy, but her brain wasn't letting her mouth make words. She just leaned over and hugged me tight, cooing with excitement._

 _"I just found out this morning." I told her. "I thought I would be more worried, but I'm so excited." I rubbed my hand across my stomach, smiling._

 _"Oh, honey. Jaxon is going to be so excited, and I'm sure Abel will be too." I was really hoping she was right._

 _I sat with her until the period was over, talking about anything and everything pregnancy and baby related. I was knew to this pregnant thing, and she was a 5-time veteran._

 _My head was spinning all day with excitement and a million questions. I couldn't wait to go home to my boys and tell them._

 _I had a mental check list of things to do on my way home. I rushed out of school as quick as possible and headed straight to Walmart in Oak View, a short 15 minute drive._

 _I got two onzies, one for a girl, one for a boy. I found a key chain that said "daddy to be". I checked out as quick as possible and hurried back to the house, to get the little box for Jax together and ready._

 _After it was done I headed over to T &M. What a better place to tell him, in front of our family and friends?_

 _I called my parents and my mom answered._

 _"Hey sweetie, how was your day?" I could hear her doing something in the background, washing dishes, probably._

 _"It was good." What was a good reason to get them down to T &M? "Listen, could and daddy meet me at the garage? I'm gonna pick up Abel and meet Jax, was seeing if you guys wanted to grab dinner."_

 _"Oh yes!" She sounded so excited; not nearly as excited as I was hoping she would be later on. "Daddys upstairs changing out of his work clothes right now. As soon as he's done we'll be over."_

 _"Okay, momma. I love you."_

 _"I love you too, Loge." And we hung up. I pulled in the garage, trying to maintain my secret until my parents could arrive. Gemma and Abel were outside, playing with his toys in front of the club house._

 _"Hey buddy!" I said, walking over to him. The best feeling in the world was seeing his eyes light up whenvere he saw me. There was nothing like it. He stood up, a little unsteady at first, and made his way over to me, grabbing my legs. I bent down and picked him up, both of us snuggling up to each other. "Did you miss me?" I asked him. He nodded, laying his head back down on my chest._

 _I walked towards Gemma, who was smiling._

 _"He was so good today. He ate almost an entire grilled cheese for lunch!" That did surprise me, because he hated eating and was so very picky._

 _"Good job, buddy." I lifted my hand up and he smacked it, giving me a high five. God, I loved my little dude._

 _We made it inside of the club house and it was empty, the meeting room doors closed._

 _"They called a meeting over some deal going down with the Myans." Gemma said, shrugging. Our job was to stay our of their way, our of their business, and keep them happy. Believe it or not, it wasn't all that hard. "Do you want a beer?" she asked. I declined immediately, and she gave me a confused look. "I have heartburn from lunch we ordered. Not a good mix right now."_

 _I sat Abel down in the corner on his play mat with his toys, and took a seat. I was feel a little nauseous again, so I sparked up a joint, moving to the furthest end of the bar away from Abel._

 _A short 5 minutes later, the guys all emerged from the room, coming out to get drinks. I watched at Bobby walked over and picked Abel up, tickling him, causing him to shriek out in laughted. I smiled. I was so dazed watching that little boy laugh I didn't notice Jax coming up to me until he kissed my cheek._

 _"Out of it today?" he asked sitting down next to me. I smirked at him, hit the joint, and passed it his way._

 _"Just a little bit." I looked at the clock; my parents would be here soon. "My parents are meeting us here, I thought we could go grab dinner." I lied, but he agreed with it. As long as he got beer and food, he didn't often object._

 _"Logie!" I heard my dad chirp through the door. Everyone greeted them, like usual. Gemma made her way over to my mom and they hugged, saying a few words to one another. I got up and walked towards the door._

 _"I'll be right back." I told my mom. "I gotta go grab something really quick!"_

 _I jogged to the car and grabbed the gift I wrapped for Jax. It had the pregnancy test, the onsies, and the key chain. I felt so nervous I could vomit. Or it was the baby. One of the two. Probably both. I took a huge breath before walking back into the club house, and I went straight to Jax._

 _"Everyone!" I shouted. It got quiet and they all turned to me. "I got Jax a little gift today, and I just thought it'd be great if you were all here to see him open it." He gave me a weird look, taking the box from my hands._

 _"A gift? Is it our anniversary or something? This isn't to make me look dumb, is it?" I laughed, shaking my head. Abel waddled his way over to me and I picked him up so he could see what his daddy was opening._

 _"Just open it." I told him._

 _He ripped the paper off and then opened the box. He started moving the tissue paper away and then froze, biting his lip._

 _"Really?" he asked me. I nodded. He opened the package the rest of the way, trying to cover his mouth with his hand to hide his smile. "This isn't a joke?" I shook my head again, I wanted to cry with joy. He stood up immediately and hugged me and Abel_

 _"What the fucks in the box?" Clay asked Gemma, who was sitting on his lap. She shrugged._

 _"Logan, what is it?" My mom asked. I looked at Jax, and he grabbed the box, careful to keep everything in it from falling as he held it up. I looked over at my mom, her mouth was covered, her hand shaking. I don't think my dad got it yet._

 _"Logan's pregnant!" Jax cheered, hugging me tight again. I heard cheers errupt from the entire club house, everyone moving in close. My parents and Gemma made it up to us before anyone else._

 _"I'm so excited." my mom hugged my tight, and rubbed her hand across my stomach._

 _The next 30 minutes was filled with everyone swarming us, telling us how happy they were and feeling my stomach, though there wasn't even the beginning of a bump there. I couldn't have been more than three months, no way._

 _All the excitement must have really gotten to Abel, cause he passed out in no time. I was starting to feel tired too, to be honest. Everyone started to leave, and once my parents left, I was ready to go home into my bed and sleep for however long I could._

 _I spent about 20 minutes on the phone with Donna; Toby and Raven were both sick so she couldn't make it, but Opie Facetimed her during so it was like she was there. She seemed more excited than I was._

 _God I was so happy this was the reaction everyone was having. I was so happy to see how excited they all were for us to be having a baby finally; our own baby. I loved Abel like he was my mom, but genetics proved that he wasn't. I wish I could change that, but I could't. Though, it didn't much matter, he was my son either way._

 _Gemma and I cleaned up the club house best we could, but I was getting tired and couldn't do much more. I was more than ready to go home, shower, and crash for the night. Too much excitement for one day exhausting me more than my actual work day did._

 _"Can Clay and I take Abel tomorrow night? He hasn't gotten to stay the weekend with us in a while. I'd really like to have him." Gemma gave me her pouty puppy-dog face and I couldn't say no. Regardless of the fact that she babysat him every single day, she never got enough of that little boy. And regardless of her character at times, she was a great grandmother and a great mother; she loved her family, I don't care what anyone else had to say about it._

 _"Of course. You can come pick him up around noon tomorrow." Gemma and I said our goodbyes, kissing each others cheeks. She kissed Abel on top of his head, him not even moving a smidge, and told him how excited she was to see him tomorrow. I got him all loaded into his carseat; he was still fast asleep. I was really starting to become a pro at this whole parenting thing._

 _I walked over to the 3rd garage door and got Jax, who was probably talking about something club-related with Bobby and Chibbs._

 _"You ready to go?" I asked him. He nodded, telling the boys goodbye and goodnight. He said he'd see them tomorrow to finish talking, which meant they would probably be holding a meeting tomorrow at some point._

 _We left, Jax driving our tired little family home. I was so excited when we pulled into the garage. I got Abel and the diaper bag out of the car, heading inside behind Jax who held the door for us. He went to her bedroom to start the shower for me and grab me clothes. God, he was the epitome of perfect. I had never loved someone, except Abel, so much._

 _I got my little boy changed into PJs and put him in his bed. His little eyes took seconds to fall closed and he was off into dream land once again. I turned his nightlight on and left the room, leaving the door cracked a few inches._

 _I undressed as I made my way back to the bedroom, so ready for a nice hot shower. Finally naked, I walked into the doorway of the bathroom, enjoying every second of my view. I leaned against the door frame, biting my lip, taking it all in. God, that_ ass. _And those tattoos and muscles. Jesus Christ. Either this was really all some big joke or dream, or I was the luckiest woman on Earth._

 _"My eyes are up here." he joked at me. He came up, grabbing me and pulling our naked bodies close together. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest._

 _He laid his head on top of me, kissing it._

 _"I love you, you know that right?" He asked me. I smiled hard, looking up at him. I reached up and pushed a stray piece of his blonde hair out of his face._

 _"And darling, I you." he smiled back at that. We were rolling up on our 10-year anniversary of knowing each other, and he could still remember that little bullshit from so long ago._

 _It was a stupid poem in a stupid book for a stupid class that we both got stuck taking my Freshmen year. But it was our poem. It was our best friend poem, and it was beautiful._

 _He leaned down and pressed a little kiss against my lips, pulling me close after for a sensual hug. He pulled away, looking down at my stomach._

 _"I'm so happy I get to have this little family with you." I could tell he was sincere. "I don't know how I could have made it through this past year without you." He kissed my cheek._

 _We took a nice shower, no sex. Just showering together, enjoying each others company and winding down for the night._

 _We got into our usual night time clothes and crawled into bed, cuddling up close to each other._

 _"Never leave." Jax whispered in my ear. I rolled over, laying nose to nose with him._

 _"I won't back out if you don't back out." And it was the truth. I wanted this to work for as long as he did, which, considering my current position, I was hoping would be forever._

 _He laid his hand on my cheek. "Forever?"_

 _"Forever."_

And now you know a little bit more. No matter how much I hate Jaxon, how much I wish I could take it all back, I don't. I got our beautiful children out of all of this, and I would do it 1000 times over just so I could have them.

But my forever? It didn't last. I didn't get it. About seven months from this day if when my forever started crumbling down around me. The foundation collapsed, slowly letting the entire structure fall with it.

Falling in love with someone like him destroyed me.

Ugh.

Just take my word for it. Don't fall in love with someone like him. I'm sure my case really hasn't been proven yet, but it will be. Don't worry.

Until then

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	5. Chapter 5

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 005**

 **Trying**

I'm trying really hard to pull through this. My students have even noticed a change in my demeanor. Been trying to lay it off that I've been sick, but a few close ones aren't buying it. They're acting genuinely concerned.

I couldn't have that.

I can't wait to bring you all up to speed with this, because you'll understand why I say these things I do.

So now you all know that I was expecting a baby with that piece of shit. Let's skip a little forward, not much. Eh, three months.

Shall we?

 _It was 6:30am, and I was already having a breakdown for the day. Christ, I was getting fat. I had a belly; 16 weeks pregnant did not look good on me. I kept trying to adjust my outfit, but eventually gave up. My huge gut was just going to have to stick out._

 _I went in and turned Abels light on, he woke up immediately._

 _"Good morning Abel." I said, walking over to him. He reached his arms up to me. When I got close, just like the last few mornings, he hugged my belly and gave it a kiss, then demanded to be picked up. He was such a smart little boy. I only had a few more weeks where I would be able to lift him, so I was taking advantage. I was going to miss picking my little boy up so much._

 _I carried him out into the kitchen. Jax had breakfast for him and me ready, setting it at the table._

 _"Thank you, baby." I gave him a kiss on the cheek, grabbing my daily dose of all the caffine I could have; my morning coffee. I ate half a bagel while I fed Abel his waffles. It was almost 7 by that time, and I needed to get to work._

 _"Do you mind dropping him off?" Jax shook his head, grabbing a syrup covered baby boy out of his high chair. I grabbed my purse, giving both of my boys a kiss. Jax kissed me and then leaned down, him and Abel both kissing my stomach. I had a constant smile on my face these last few months, I swear on everything._

 _"I can't wait for your little brother to get here." I heard him tell Abel as I walked out the door. I couldn't wait either. Though, we decided we weren't finding out the gender until I had the baby, we were all still positive it was a boy. Teller men did not produce girls. And I was fine with that. Another beautiful little clone of Jax? Yes, please._

 _It was Friday, an easy school day. All of my classes had tests today, which meant I got to relax and catch up on papers and lesson plans. I sat at my computer all day, thanking my students as they handed in their work to me._

 _It was free period, and one of my senior Bio 1 aides came in to eat her lunch._

 _"How's that baby cookin', Ms. H?" she hopped up on one of the lab tables, biting into her apple._

 _I rubbed my belly, taking a bite of my own lunch._

 _"Cookin'." I laughed back. "I feel like I'm getting so fat, though."_

 _She rolled her eyes at me. "You aren't even close to fat. You look super tiny, and just a little bit pregnant." Well, I guess that wasn't so bad._

 _"So," she leaned in a bit closer. "You and baby daddy ever gonna tie the knot."_

 _I almost spit my food._

 _"Ashley, that's not an appropriate topic to discuss with a student." She rolled her eyes again; I secretly hated that shit._

 _"It was just a question. I think y'all should do it. He's hot, too. He already put his child in you. I think his last name is a little less serious than that."_

 _I just kept changing the subject, not wanting to discuss any of that with a student. I didn't really want to dicuss that subject matter with anyone. It was noones business. If Jax asked, of course I'd say yes. But I wasn't pushing it._

 _Okay, that was kind of a lie. I really did want his last name._

And that was probably one of the dumbest thoughts I had ever had. Wanitng to marry Jaxon Teller. But as you can tell by my name, I didn't realize that until it was far too late. Stupid fucking me. I should have seen that one coming from 100 miles away. I just couldn't stay away from this stupid fucking town. Fuck.

 _Gemma was taking Abel with her and Clay to go see Clay's sister in Napa for the weekend, and Jax and I were going away to the Spa at Oak View for a nice get away weekend. No club. No business. Child-free. It was much needed for the both of us._

 _The drive up was beautiful and relaxing, getting near the mountains. Jax looked at peace, not having to worry about the club or the Charming police for the time being. It was so nice._

 _We got to the spa to check-in around 6, which was perfect. We both had just enough time to change into something nice for dinner. For how expensive it was, I was going to look nice and rock this little beer gut. I wore a black pencil dress with white flats, and Jax wore black dress pants, a grey dress shirt, and a white tie and shoes. Of course he made us match; he would._

 _"You're glowing." he told me, putting his watch on. I rolled my eyes. So cliche of him._

 _"You're such a loser sometimes, ya know." I giggled and hugged him from behind, my tummy keeping a gap between us. I saw him smile in the mirror we were infront of._

 _Seeing him smile at my little actions made me feel so good, and I couldn't explain it at all._

 _We headed down to dinner; the closer we got, the more excited I got and the more my mouth watered. It was Italian style food, and I could not wait to eat my weight in pasta and sauage. Fuck yes._

 _We entered and were immediately seating at a nice table for two, very intimate. All the tables were spread out so there was privacy, and it wasn't loud at all. It was very nice. We sat down and the waiter brought us water, salad and breadsticks. He informed us our food would be out in about 15 minutes._

 _"This is a lot nicer than I expected." I complimented on his choice of weekend getaway. He smiled at me. He was smiling a lot tonight, acting so weird. He wasn't very talkative, but he was definitely_ off.

 _I sat in my own little zoned out world, hearing the music in the background. God, I loved this song. Ed Sheeran. It was my most favorite song. Jax must have caught me smiling, and he knew exactly why. I lost count of how many times I told him this song reminded me of him in every way, and it was the song I always played at college when I felt so sad._

 _ **And that I'll fight my corner, maybe tonight I'll call you**_

 _ **After my blood turns in alcohol**_

 _"Logan?" I looked up at him. God, he was smiling and his skin was tan and such a happy color. I hadn't seen him this happy in years._

 _"Yes baby?" He reached across the table and grabbed my hands with both of us, pulling them up and kissing them._

 _"I love you." I could feel myself blushing like a little girl._

 _ **Give me love, my my**_

 _"I love you too, sweetheart." I told him. I did. God fucking damn it I loved him so much it hurt._

 _ **And it's been a while, but I still feel the same**_

 _"Logan?" No. My breath caught in my throat, and I couldn't even think. I was watching him but I couldn't process what was happening._

 _ **We'll play hide and seek to turn this around**_

 _ **All I want is the taste that your lips allowed**_

 _"Marry me, love?" And I couldn't help it but when I saw him down on one knee, and I saw that beautiful fucking ring, I burst into tears. These hormones were awful, all this was awful. But it wasn't._

 _"Really?" he nodded, gesturing the ring at me. I just started nodding because my words got caught in tears. He got up and hugged me tight, giving me a big deep kiss. He took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto my small ring finger._

 _ **Give me love, my my**_

 _ **Give me love, my my**_

 _ **Give me love, my my**_

 _ **Give me love, my my**_

 _ **Give me love**_

 _"I can't wait to marry you, Logan." We sat out on the porch that was attachted to our suite, cuddling close. I was so busy staring at my ring. I couldn't believe it. I was going to marry my best friend._

And guys, sometimes that isn't the best decision. I was so happy then. I remember it all like it happened just yesterday. 5 years ago I never would have guessed this is how things would have turned out.

But, I think you guys have about one more happy post to go before everything turns really awful, so enjoy it. I want you to remember the emotions this made you feel about Jaxon, about me. About our relationship.

And then I want you to relate to how I feel when it's all said and done. Relate the broken mess that I am. Once you fall in love, though, you have nothing to fear anymore. Because nothing is as scary and nothing hurts as much.

Sorry it's so short tonight, I've had a lot on my mind lately, just things I don't really want to deal with. This just fucking sucks.

Until next time.

Signing off.

Logan Henderson-Teller


	6. Chapter 6

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 006**

 **Just Kinda Sad**

You know how depression just kind of creeps up on you? Like, one day you'll swear to God, it's over, you made it out of the storm alive, and then 24-fucking-hours later it's just like, HA GOTCHA JUST KIDDING.

I've hit a new low. I cry every single day, morning, noon and night. I've lost 6 pounds this week, I never eat. I've smoked more weed in three days than I have in an entire two weeks before. I even ventured into buying a few Opanas and got high as fuck for a few days.

Nothing helps. Nothing makes me feel. I'm so fucking numb and I'm tired of feeling like this, like there's just a big black mass taking over my body, eating me from the inside-out. Every song I hear makes me lose my shit, everything I read reminds me of what I miss.

I'm dying, or at least I feel like it. I'm fucking drowning, I'm so fucking hurt. I haven't felt like this since 3 years ago on this fucking day.

Maybe that's what this little dark bump was..

This day fucking sucks, it does every single year. And I'm a mess just the entire month. I can't help it, maybe I'm just fucking crazy. I don't know.

I'm not sure of much of anything anymore to be honest. I don't know.

Let's try and talk about a happy day. Maybe that'll help? I don't know.

Anyways, here

 _"Gemma!" I yelled, grabbing that bag that held my wedding dress. "I'm not fucking around!" Seriously, 85 fucking degrees in fucking March was not working with me. I was almost 7 months pregnant now and the slightest bit of heat fucked with me so bad. I was sweating balls in this fucking house._

 _I waddled down the steps, my dress and shoes in hand. I was in my robe and comfy clothes, I had just taken a shower._

 _Gemma came running around a corner, her arms full of little things we needed to get ready._

 _"Let's go!" I marched right past her. I hated to admit it, but I was being bridezilla. But I really couldn't help it! I'm hormonal as fuck. I dropped a fork last night and started crying, like who does that?_

 _I headed out to the garage where she already had the car running. We were meeting all the girls at Donna's house to get ready while the guys all got ready at the club house. I could't wait to see what it looked like at the barn. Judy was so fucking nice for letting me use it, charge free. Beautiful big farm with lots of space and yard area._

 _I felt so sick all day, the anticipation hitting me. I was marrying my very best friend today, the love of my life, the father of my children, my other half. I really made me believe in soul mates, he made me feel like a little girl again. So many years and I got butterflies everytime I saw him. He made me catch my breath and feel like I was floating. This love was unexplainable._

 _Gemma and I rushed to Donna's and met everyone there; Donna, my mom, Lindsey and Erica._

 _"There you are!" my mom shouted, a giant smile on her face. They had everything set up in the kitchen for us to get ready. Lindsey was doing my make-up and hair; it was so nice having a cosmotologist in the family._

 _"Did your belly get bigger?" Erica asked. I shot her the look of death and she backed off. "Right, sorry, hormones. Love you." I just rolled my eyes and let a laugh escape my lungs._

 _"How excited are you?!" Donna sat down next to me, during her own make-up while Lindsey started on my hair._

 _I bit my lip, thinking. "I can't even put it into words. I try to, but I usually end up crying."_

 _All the girls gave me an 'awh' in unicine._

 _We bullshited for about an hour and a half, and we were all finally done and ready. I looked at myself in the mirror, my cheeks going flush. In fear of ruining my make-up I convinced my brain to cry one single tear, and I caught it before it could hurt my foundation._

 _For the first time in my pregnancy I thought my bump looked so great. I went with an empire waist line dress, it started right under my breasts so the dress flowed perfect over my big belly. My hair was all curled and pinned up just perfect, except for my bangs, they swept across my face. My make-up was absolutely flawless, a perfect smokey eye and winged liner. All of my bridesmaids looked amazing in their black dresses, and my mom and Gemma even better in their dress attire._

 _"Don't you start!" I pointed at my mother who looked ready to burst into tears. "I'm not ruining all the hard work Lindsey did." They all laughed letting out a few tears. My mom came over and hugged me, then rubbed her grandchilds bottom._

 _"I'm just so happy for you." she kissed my cheek and rubbed my belly one more time._

 _"That was his butt, ya know." I joked with her putting my hands on my hips._

 _"Stop calling her a him!" Donna protested. I rolled my eyes._

 _"Never gonna happen." I glanced up at the clock. FUCK. It was almost 2:30, which meant we had to go, right that minute._

 _"Guys, c'mon!" I picked up my dress and we headed for the vehicles. I rode with Gemma and my mom, and the other girls rode with Donna._

 _We got to Judy's around 10-til 3, perfect timing. There was so many people there from so many clubs and businesses. So many people from Charming that I've met. I couldn't believe how many showed up._

 _"This way!" Judy shouted, waving from her porch. We all made our way inside, where she lead us through to the other door. "Look out there."_

 _Once again I wanted to cry and lose my shit. It was perfect. I could see all the tables set up, everything black and white with little accents of Tiffany blue. I saw my husband standing under the rustic archway my dad and Clay made for me. God he looked so fucking perfect._

 _"Mum, mum, mum, mum!" I spun around seeing my little boy running up to me, grabbing my legs immediately. I bent down and gave him a hug. His tux matched Jaxs completely; my handsome boys. God, I loved them._

 _"Come with Gramma, buddy?" Gemma came over and picked him up. "Will you come help me get him and Toby ready for the rings and Raven ready for the flowers walk?" My mom nodded and followed Gemma, giving me a quick kiss before she left._

 _"Look at my beautiful baby girl." I turned the other direction to see my dad, his face red and puffy. God damn it, everyone was too emotional today. He came up to me, hugging me tight. I'll admit, I lost it a little bit. I let a few tears rolls, but luckily everything Lindsey used was high quality and water proof._

 _Judy came back in. "Are you guys ready?" I took a big deep breath and we headed out the side door to where no one could see us. I didn't even want the groomsmen to see me, so dad and I stayed back on the porch and talked while they lined up._

 _"I'm so scared." I told him in raw honesty. He pulled my close in a side hug._

 _"Sweetheart, that's love for you. You never know what's going to happen, so something big like this, and this," he pointed to my stomach. "They are very scary. But that's what great about it, too. When it lasts, and it's real, it's magical. Do you love him?"_

 _I didn't even have to think. "More than anything in this world." My dad smiled at me._

 _"Then don't be so scared."_

 _I heard Kiss Me by Ed Sheeren started playing and I knew it was time; it was now or never, Logan. I took some deep breaths waiting._

 _ **Kiss me like you wanna be loved**_

 _ **You wanna be loved**_

 _"You ready?" He asked me. I nodded, calming my shaking jaw, about to cry. I composed myself and we walked out, everyone standing up when they saw my dad. I walked out and up to him, linking arms._

 _ **My hearts against your chest**_

 _ **Your lips pressed to my neck**_

 _ **I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet**_

 _I'll never forget this very moment, when I saw my future husband cry at the sight of me. He cried, Gemma cried, my mother cried, even my dad let out a little sniffle._

 _ **We're falling in love**_

 _I got up to the alter and grabbed his hands, both of us shaking and just taking in the others energy. This was what I've wanted since I was 15-years-old. This moment, this day, all of it._

 _We sad our vows to one another, finding it harder to talk by each minute. I could hear Donna next to me crying, and I could see Opie just smiling at her emotions. He was so in love with her. I hoped Jax loved me that much._

 _"Do you, Jaxon Nathaniel Teller, take Logan Augusta Henderson to be your wife?"_

 _"I do." he said._

 _"And do you, Logan Augusta Henderson, take Jaxon Nathaniel Teller to be your husband?"_

 _I smiled at him, my heart feeling so warm._

 _"And darling, I you." He gave me the biggest smile in the world. Gemma walked with Abel and Toby up to us, handing us our rings._

 _We put them on each other, both saying "I thee wed."_

 _"You may kiss your bride."_

 _And I had never had a sweeter kiss. It felt like the entire world had stopped around us, and it was all perfection. I was swimming in him, in this month. I was Logan Teller. I was Mrs. Teller, soon-to-be mother of two handsome boys to handsome man._

 _We pulled away, both smiling ear to ear._

 _"Now let's eat!" I yelled. Everyone cheered and we all found our ways to the tables so we could get food in us before the real fun started._

 _The food was amazing, and everyone was already having a good time. I was married to my best friend and I couldn't be happier._

 _We finished eating and cut the cake, and finally, it was time to dance and party it up for everyone._

 _"Ladies and gentlemen," the DJ started. "I'd like to introduce, for the first dance as a couple, Mr. and Mrs. Jax Teller."_

 _We walked out into the middle of the yard, him pulling me close to him._

 _The DJ started playing Tenerife Sea and Jax and I danced. Maybe I had a little think for Ed Sheeran, but who could really blame me?_

 _"You look so fucking beautiful." He told me, pulling my head close to his. My belly got in the way a bit, but we made it work. The baby was super active today, too._

 _The dance was supposed to be just us but Abel got off of Gemmas lap and ran up to us. Jax picked him up and let him dance with us, him reaching over to hug me around the neck._

 _Towards the middle of the song the bridesmaids and groomsmen were dancing with each other, Opie dancing around with Raven and Donna dancing around with Toby. My parents danced, Gemma got spun around by Clay. Everyone looked so happy._

 _And my husband? God, that smile and those eyes. Just like our song said, I was so in love with him. Everything about him. Our life. Our son, and our future son. I was so in love with all of it._

 _My wedding night was everything I had ever dreamed off, minus a few things that were different._

 _The most ironic part was that Jax and I didn't even have sex that night. We went home with Abel and got him to bed, and then he and I sat up watching T.V. and eating cake and ice cream. He even got to feel the baby move for the first time. God, such a perfect fucking day._

 _I couldn't ask for more at that point._

And that was the point my relatinship hit its peak. That happy day? The happiness ended just about there. This is when things started getting frustrating. From the day of our wedding we had 11 more weeks to go until we got to meet our child. 11 terrible and difficult weeks.

And you'd think I would have just learned my lesson then instead of 4 years later. But I didn't. I was never good at learned my lessons. I liked to make the same mistake at lesat 7 times, just to make sure.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the good stuff, cause there isn't a whole lot more good to tell.

Okay, that's a lie. But really, the shitstorm is about to happen.

Hope you're ready

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	7. Chapter 7

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 007**

 **It's a good day**

So this post is gonna be a little weird, I suppose. As opposed to normal when I'm in a bad mood and trying to tell you about the good times, today is the opposite. I'm in a great fucking mood and I have to tell you about some bad times.

While I'm not feeling extra bitter today, know that everything I am about to tell you is the truth; the cold, dark, raw truth.

You wanna be an old lady? You think it's a glamerous life to be with an outlaw? Get ready for some real truth, ladies and gents.

But always keep in mind, it's not always so bad.

 _32 weeks pregnant did not fit me. My maternity leave didn't come into effect until I hit 36 weeks, but I couldn't handle it. They agreed to let me have unpaid time off without effecting my job status, until my PTO kicked in when I hit 36 weeks. I had spent most of the last week at home with Abel or at Donna's house with her because God fucking forbid our husbands could ever have free-time away from the fucking MC._

 _"This is getting really irritating." Donna vented to me. All the kids were down for a nap, so we sat out on the porch drinking lemonade and talking. I even got her to smoke a joint with me. It wasn't too bad out for being late April. 70 degrees with a soft breeze, so perfect. I was so sensitive to heat with the giant belly and this overly active baby._

 _We were both frustrated with what the club was dealing with right now. They were trying to start more legitimate business, we understood that. But they were also bringing in more money than we had ever seen before, and no new business was up and running. THey were sending less and less time at home and around us, and it was rare for us to even see them unless it was when they were in bed next to us for a few hours._

 _I was becoming very upset with it. Here I am, only 8 more weeks left until this baby was going to be born, and Jax wasn't helping with anything. My baby shower was this weekend and he hadn't asked a single question about anything, not even if I needed help with anything. He was acting like a completely different person and I just didn't know what to think of it._

 _It was a good thing my phone rang because the shit talk on my husband was about to start. Ha. And it was him._

 _"Hey babe." I answered, monotone. Donna was smiling at me, holding back a laugh._

 _"I'm probably gonna be late tonight, have some maintence we really need taken care of down at the studio before we can sart production, but I promsie I'll be there tomorrow for the shower. I promise I'll stop in for a little bit to see how it's going."_

 _I rolled my eyes._

 _"I don't even know why you bother calling anymore. It's like you should call and warn me if you'll actually be coming home, because that's the rare thing now." And I hung up on him._

 _I sighed, leaning back in the chair. Donna reached over and laid her hand on top of mine._

 _"I know just how you feel." And that's why having Donna as my best friend was even better. She understood this on every level there was to understand. She got it. The life of an old lady was not an easy one. When I hear young stupid girls saying how much they wish they were old ladys and part of a club, I just can't help but laugh at them. They sound so dumb._

 _I struggled to get up, refusing Donnas help, but I finally managed. It was only 4, but I wanted to get home. The bigger I got the harder it was for me to do things. I was hoping to call Gemma and convince her to make us dinner and help me with Abel for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, trying to get the baby shower and everything together._

 _I got my little dude loaded up in the car and we left, telling Donna I'd see her tomorrow. I called Gemma over bluetooth and she immediately agreed to cook us dinner and let us stay with her tonight. Good. Even if Jax did roll in at 3 or 4 in the morning, he'd have to sleep all alone in our house._

 _I got to Gemmas and Abel lit up when he saw us pull in._

 _"Gamma?" He asked. I smiled._

 _"Yeah buddy, we're at Grammas." I got him out of the back and grabbed his bag, heading into Gemmas._

 _"Hey baby." she greeted me, kissing me on the cheek as I walked through the door. It was really quiet in her house, too. She was dealing with the same thing, Clay had been away a lot lately too, just like the other guys. I don't know how she's lived this life for so many years. She was one tough cookie._

 _I helped Gemma cook dinner, and we all ate. While she cleaned up the dinner mess I took Abel and got him bathed and ready for bed. I read him a story and he was out like a light. I tucked him in in Gemmas bed, cause he loved sleeping next to his Gramma._

 _I came out to the kitchen sitting down across from her. She passed me the joint she was smoking and I hit it, leaning back in the chair. The baby was finally starting to calm down and not kick the shit out of my insides for the first time all day._

 _"How do you do it Gem?" I hit the joint and tried to pass it to her, but she declined, just lighting another one and letting me smoke my own. "I just," I tried to hold abck tears but I couldn't do it. I started bawling. "I can't deal with it."_

 _He reached over and laid her hand on my arm. "Hey, this is just a rough patch." Yeah, a really terrible fucking time for a rough patch to hit my life. "It happens from time to time, okay? But we deal with it, we push through it, and then we get to be happy again. Until another little bump comes along."_

 _"Then why doesn't it feel like a little bump?" Well that was obvious. Because of the huge bump under my shirt. I was so over being pregnant and so emotional. I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I was ready for the next 8 weeks to get over with so I could push this kid out and start feeling better mentally._

 _"It won't eventually." she comforted me. We sat up a little past midnight talking about anything and everthing until I decided to head to bed. I had to be up early, and it was going to be a long day. I needed sleep._

 _8am came early, and it was real hard for me to want to get up. I could sleep for three days straight and probably still feel exhausted._

 _Gemma was already up with Abel and had him eating breakfast when I got up to start getting ready. She even got him all ready for me when I got on my babyshower outfit. White shorts, and a simple tank top and a really thin tan cartigan. My belly was huge, I felt so huge. I was so ready for this beachball to come out._

 _By the time I was ready to roll it was almost 9:30. I gave Gemma the game plan for the day and told her everyone would be showing up around 1 at the clubhouse, but I would be there around noon with my mom to make sure everything got set up and ready._

 _That was my plan at least, until I stepped outside and realized the cake would never last that long. It was way too hot. I picked it up and busted my ass to make it back to the clubhouse. The parking lot was empty, not the usual. No one was there. I brought Abel in with me, and told him to go play with his toys while I got the cake in the fridge and took a breather._

 _I leaned against the bar, catching my breath, looking around at some of the decorations my mom had worked on setting up yesterday. I leaned against my hand, sighing. I was already so tired and so hot and sweaty. I snapped out of it when I heard a bike engine; one of the guys was here._

 _My attention turned again when Abel came running up, pulling on my leg. I looked down to my son, and my face lost all expression, and my body all emotion. I snatched what he had in my hands and brought it to my face, taking a closer look. I was so red I could feel the fucking heat in my face. I heard the club house door open and I snapped around, seeing Jax walk in. At first he smiled, but it dropped when he saw my expression._

 _"What's wrong?" I held up the bag I took of our almost 2-year-old son._

 _"You really wanna ask me what the fucks wrong?" I walked closer to him, clentching the bag in my veiny hands. I watched Opie walk in behind him and stop in his tracks. I calmed myself and turned to him._

 _"Ope," I batted my eye lashes. "Take Abel outside for a little bit."_

 _And he didn't ask a single question, just grabbed Abel and left as quick as possible._

 _"What. In. The. Actual FUCK Jaxon?!" I was screaming and irrational, and I fucking knew it. I did give a fuck. My son should NOT fucking be walking up to me handing me a bun of fucking heroin._

 _He didn't respond. I got right up in his face._

 _"I said, WHAT THE FUCK JAXON?!" I screamed at him, shoving the bag against his smug fucking face. I shoved him and started walking past him. He tried to grab my arm and I yanked it away. "Don't fucking touch me you low-life lying piece of shit!" I spun around, getting in his face again. "Are you that good?" I spat at him. "So fucking good at lying, at playing. Started a legitimate business? Bull-fucking-shit, JAXON!" I screamed as loud as I could, and then let out an angry shriek._

 _"Logan, I-"_

 _"No!" I stopped him. I didn't give a single fuck about anything he had to say anymore. I could care less. "Our son just had ahold of heroin, Jaxon. Do you not fucking get that?!" I had tears falling out of my eyes. "Jaxon what if he wouldn't have brought it to me, and he got it open?! How fucking great would you feel if you would have killed our son! You fucking idiot!" I kicked the door frame as hard as I could, feeling like I had broken my foot. I wasn't sure if I was crying from that or the amount of betrayal I felt from my husband._

 _He still had nothing to say to me._

 _"You're nothing but a fucking liar. You piece of shit. We're a family, one that's about to get bigger, and you chose now to start running one of the worst fucking drugs there are?!" I was crying so hard I could barely see anymore. "I don't even fucking know you anymore." I stormed out of the club house and grabbed Abel straight off the ground where he was playing. I didn't care that I wasn't supposed to be carrying him really. I got him into the car and got in, slamming my door. I hated him seeing me like this, but I couldn't hold myself together. I lost it, crying, screaming and hitting my stearing wheel._

 _I was so fucking hurt. Beyond fucking hurt. I couldn't deal with this. I called Donna immediately, crying. She could barely understand me, but she let me drop Abel off at her house._

 _I didn't know what to do, so I went back to our house. I knew I would be alone there, and that's what I needed._

 _I got into the house and sunk down against the door as soon as it closed. My chest hurt, I felt like I could throw up. I couldn't see over tears and I couldn't stop crying. I started gagging from all the tears and snot._

 _My life was falling apart. It felt like sand falling through my fingers. Drugs. He was selling heroin. I couldn't fucking believe this._

 _And then it all got so much worse._

 _I felt wetness between my legs. It fear of thinking I peed myself, I reached down. Looking at my hand I felt my body go pale; it was blood, and not a little bit._

 _I dug through my purse quick and got my cell phone out, calling my mom immediately._

 _She was there in 10 minutes, and we were at St. Thomas in 20. They admitted me immediately, running tests._

 _"Mrs. Teller," I fucking hated the sound of that name now but I had done enough freaking out on people for the day. I let the doctor continue. "Your stress levels are very high right now," NO fucking surprise, thanks again to my LOVELY fucking husband. "So we're not gonna stop labor, we're gonna let you go and we're gonna get a baby today."_

 _I felt my stomach drop. "Isn't it too early?"_

 _The doctor did look a bit concerned. "You are early, so there are risks with that. But your baby will be in good hands here if there are any complications, I can assure you that. Our first priorities right now are you and that little one." And she left the room._

 _I just started crying, I couldn't handle all of this. My mom held me close and rubbed my head, cooing me like I was a child._

 _"It's okay, the babys going to be fine."_

 _I shook my head, feeling like tears were flying off of my face._

 _"That's not it. You just don't understand. Today has been the absolutely worst day of my life." And I started crying even harder._

 _I filled her in on everything. She knew the kind of things the MC dealt, but she wasn't just as surprised and hurt as I was. She couldn't believe anything i was telling her, she didn't want to._

 _By the time the bedside nurse came back in I was at 6 cm and comletely thinned out. A few more centimeters and I would be ready to have this baby. But these contractions were absolute hell. I was really starting to re-think my decision of not wanting any type of pain meds._

 _My mom tried to calm me with every contraction, but it was impossible. Her and my dad took turns being my bed-side coach, and I felt horrible about it. I'm sure I nearly broke both of their hands._

 _They were the only ones there for a wihle, but my mom must have called everyone important; Gemma and Clay showed up, then Donna and Opie and the kids. Abel seemed to be very worried about me because he couldn't come see me. I told them I didn't want him seeing me like this, dealing with all this pain._

 _I swear on everything I had never dealt with pain like this before. What made it worse was when I could hear my mother and Gemma discussing the events of earlier, and I saw that create automatic hostility between her and Clay. She wasn't too pleased about it all either, and I knew when and if Jax showed up there was going to be hell from his mother. Not my fucking problem._

 _I was in so much pain, 8cm was awful and I just wanted to be at 10. I wanted this baby to come the fuck out of me already. I was so worried, and I wanted that to go away. I wanted to know my baby was perfect and okay and I could have something good happen today._

 _"Fuck!" I screamed, biting down on me own teeth so hard I swore I could have cracked a few. Most intense pain of my life. Since I was so close the nurse told everyone they couldn't come back anymore, just the people who were going to be here when I had the baby; my mother, and Jax. But I didn't even want him to show up._

 _But of course he did._

 _"Baby!" he came running into the room and I felt myself get so heated. He came to my side, triyng to grab my hand. I ripped it out of his grip. "I'm here." he said to me, like that was supposed to make me feel better._

 _"And?" I had to stop talking to take a few breaths while I had a contraction. "Jesus fuck!" I screamed, grabbing the side of the bed. I could feel the plactic crush a bit under my grip. Nothing has ever hurt so fucking bad._

 _"Baby I'm here for you. I'm here for you my beautiful wife. I fucking love you, your husband. I'm here for you." He just kept saying the same shit over and over and over again and I couldn't handle it after the third repeated sentence._

 _"You know what Jaxon?!" I popped my ring finger into my mouth, using my teeth to pull my wedding and engagement ring off. I spit them so hard they went across the room and out the door, hitting with a CLING in the hallway. "That's how much I give a fuck about my so called husband right now." I felt another contraction starting, and it was one of the worst ones so far. "Get the fuck out!" he looked at my like a wounded soul, like I was joking. "Get. The. FUCK OUT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. He listened that time._

 _Just as he was going out, the bed-side nurse was coming back in to check me. I moaned and groaned everytime she touched me._

 _"I have some good news." she informed me with a smile on her face. "You're at 10. It's time for you to have this baby, Logan!" I kept my breathing going, because the pain and pressure i had was getting so much worse. She propped my feet up in the sterups and left the room to go get the doctor. Soon there were three nurses and my doctor, surrounding my bed._

 _"Okay, Logan. I'm gonna go grab a few more towels and we're gonna have a baby, okay?" I nodded through my deep breathing, feeling scared shitless._

 _I turned to my mom, tears in my eyes, from pain and anxiety._

 _"I'm so scared." I kept telling her. I could feel the hot tears stinging my face._

 _"I know you are." she assured me. "And this is going to be the most painful and beautiful thing you'll ever go scared just means you're about to so something very, very brave." That wasn't exactly comforting, but she was right. I was about to do something very brave. "And I think your husband should be in here."_

 _I looked at her like a crazy woman while trying to deal with another contraction. It was fucking awful._

 _"I don't want him here. I fucking hate him." I cried out to her._

 _"I know you do." he rubbed my arm. "And those feelings are justified. But this is his child too." And she made me feel guilty. "And I promise you wil regret it everyday for the rest of your life if you don't let him see the birth of his child." And it made me remember being there the day Abel was born. God, I couldn't fucking do this to him. No matter how mad I was._

 _"Ugh, FUCK!" I screamed. The doctor came back, sitting down in the chair, ready to deliver our baby. "Wait," I breathed. "My husband, go get my husband." One of the nurses ran off quick._

 _Jax came running in straight to my side. He looked like he had been crying._

 _"I'm so sorry." and now he was crying a little. He held my hand tight and wiped my sweaty forehead. I didn't care about much as that point, just how much fucking pain I was in._

 _"I don't care." It may have sounded cold, but I really didn't._

 _The doctor got my legs up, my mom grabbing my right one and Jax grabbed my left one._

 _"Okay, Logan. When I count to three I want you to push as hard as you can and hold it until I count to 10, can you do that?"_

 _I was ready. Bring it the fuck on._

 _I was mesmorized. I could never put into words what I was feeling, how full my heart felt. I looked across the room, watching this perfect child get cleaned off and wrapped like a little burrito in a blue and pink blanket._

 _5lbs 6oz, 19 inches long, born at 6:41pm._

 _A head full of dark hair, just like me. And perfectly healthy in every way._

 _Jax and I were stuck like glue next to each other. I held this perfect little human in my arms, and neither of us could take our eyes away._

 _I gave birth about an hour ago, so I was okay with people starting to come in now to see us._

 _My mom left to go get come coffee and find my dad to bring him up._

 _Gemma and Clay came in first, both their faces lighting up bright when they saw us sitting there. They walked over to the bed._

 _"Look at all of that dark hair," she ran her hands softly through it. "He looks so much like you!"_

 _Jax and I both chuckled._

 _"What?" Gem asked._

 _"Yeah, Ma._ SHE _does look like her mother." And Gemmas face lit up._

 _"I have a granddaughter?!" We both smiled so big. All of us really thought this baby was a boy, but she surprised us all._

 _So perfect and beautiful._

 _There was a knock on the door and we looked up, seeing Donna and Opie, Abel with them._

 _"Hey bubbas." I said to him. Donna brought him over and handed him to Jax. "This is your little sister, Nova Rae Teller." He looked so curius, leaning over to look at her. He took his hand and gently rubbed her face and smiled. He was going to be such a good big brother._

 _"Oh, babe." Donna came close and hugged me, while Opie gave Jax a quick hug also. "She's so beautiful, and little." She admired Nova, looking her up and down. I'm not sure how, but Jax and I made the most perfect little human being._

 _And although the bliss from this was wonderful, my feelings weren't any different. I still felt the same. I was still so very hurt and pissed by and at Jaxon. Once we were discharged I'd be dealing with all of this._

 _But for now, I wanted to be lost in the thought of my perfect children._ Our _perfect children._

I will always say that even if everything I've ever done in my life has been wrong, the one thing I did right was making those perfect children. I didn't care that I didn't give birth to Abel, he counted, too. They're my everything, what keeps me going.

The reason I'm so happy lately. My children surprise and amaze me each and every day, and while it makes me so happy, in part if breaks me a little.

But you'll understand that eventually.

So this was the tip of the ice berg, just the beginning. You thought this was awful, this was shit?

No.

You've heard nothing yet.

But, I don't want to reminise anymore tonight.

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	8. Chapter 8

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 008**

 **Snowball**

So as great as things were my last post, I can't say that feeling stayed very long, cause it didn't. I'm back to where I was before, but not _that_ sad. I'm just kind of.. Here.

I don't know.

But last post you got to see the beginning of the shit rain start. God, I'll never forget that day. My sweet babygirl came into the world, but I had never hated Jax more than that day. Not ever. Abel should have never been able to access drugs like that. Drugs like that shouldn't have even been near the club, they weren't drug runners. Guns? Sure. But not drugs.

And it caused a lot of issues.

Let's see, shall we?

 _Nova and I were released to go home in two days, and I was so excited. But, not as excited as I thought this day would be. I wasn't going home to_ my _home, the home I shared with my husband. Fuck, I wasn't even sure I wanted him to be my husband anymore. I was so fucking mad and hurt, and since Nova was born he hadn't really spent that much time at the hospital. He wasn't even there when we were leaving._

 _Donna had Abel, watching him until I got back to my parents and settled in. My mom wheeled me out of the hospital, I was holding Nova close to me. My dad had the car pulled around to the door. He hopped out and helped me get Nova in her carseat and then helped me into the car. I was so very sore, but looking at that tiny little human, it was so worth it. I couldn't take my eyes off of her._

 _"She's beautiful, ya know." My mom peeked at us in the rearview mirror. I was smiling like crazy. She was beautiful. She was beautiful and perfect and I couldn't ask for a better daughter. I had never loved someone this much, I swear on everything. The moment she was born my heart just felt so full it could burst open at any minute._

 _"What're you going to do about your husband situation?" My dad asked. I sighed. My parents weren't happy with him at all. They had never really had a problem with Jax until now, and it was just so much to take in at that time._

 _"I honestly don't know. It's not just my husband, though. It's all of them. It's causing problems with Donna and Opie and Gem and Clay. None of us want them involved with drugs, especially not something that hard." I just didn't know what I was going to do. My mind was even started to put ideas in my head that maybe he was using, too. I didn't know much of anything. I just tried to push away the thoughts and focus on this beautiful babygirl._

 _I was so happy that Nova was fast asleep when we got back. I just wanted to sit and think about somethings. I had a lot of decisions to make over the next few days._

 _My parents had done a spectacular job, getting my old room ready for more and the spare bedroom ready for Nova and Abel, because there was no one in hell he was staying with Jax, or even Gemma. I just didn't want him near the club._

 _I'd say he'd be staying with Donna, but she was packing her and the kids up and going up North to stay with Opie's mom. After the recent facts came to the surface, she felt just like I did. We weren't safe and this wasn't something we wanted to be caught up in. There was only so much bullshit we could deal with._

 _I waddled back to my room with Nova. I sat her in the swing my dad put together and let her continue sleeping, it set on a slow rhythm, gliding back and forth._

 _I pulled out my phone and checked it; 5 missed calls and 10 unread text messages, all from Jax. Except one text from Donna, saying she was going to drop Abel off around 6 before she and the kids headed out._

 _I couldn't wait to have him here, too. I was so excited to see how he and Nova got along together and see how they vibed. I knew he was going to be the best big brother in the entire world, and I couldn't wait to watch them grow up and learn together everyday. God, this is what life was about. No matter how shitty everthing seemed right now, all I had to do was look over at that beautiful sleeping little girl and it all went away._

 _Well, maybe not. But that's because my mind was so heavy; I had to decide what I was going to do. It was really important that I thought this completely through. This wasn't just about me or Jax anymore. This involved our children and their lives, and that was something that couldn't be messed with. I want to raise children who don't have to recover from their childhood._

 _I swear the night went by so quick. Before I knew it Abel was there with us, and the night was coming down already. I was so thankful for me mom she did everything I just didn't have the strength to do. She bathed Abel and put him to bed, and even helped me shower and get myself and Nova ready for bed. I could't wait until I really started to heal, because I was having a terrible time dealing with how I felt while trying to be a parent._

 _I laid awake that night just watching Nova sleep. It was almost 3am and I had just gotten her back to sleep after a feeding and changing. I pulled my phone out and decided to text Jax back, just to see if he'd respond at this hour._

 _He did._

 _Our conversation was short, and mostly me ignoring his pathetic apologies. We decided he would come over tomorrow so he could see the kids and we could talk about things. It made my stomach uneasy at how upset he was. I had known him for a long time and very few things made him act like this, so down in the dumps. I think he was mad at himself, maybe more mad than I was at him._

 _But I was fucking pissed._

 _I got about 4 hours of sleep that night, just because I was so restless. My mom didn't bother waking me when she got up, taking charge and getting Abel up and fed and changed for the day. I woke up a little bit before she was leaving for work, getting a bottle ready for Nova. I got everything situated; Abel occupied with his toys and Paw Patrol on the TV, and Nova up on the couch with me on her feeding pillow, sucking her bottle straight down._

 _I had just gotten up to put her bottle in the sink when a knock came on the door. I had her against me, burping her when I answered. Christ, he looked bad. Bags under his eyes, he looked like he hadn't taken a shower. He was torn up over this._

 _He came in and Abel immediately ran up to him, so excited to see his dad. It was shortlived when the new episode of Paw Patrol came on. He crawled back over, playing with his toys and watching the show._

 _"Do you wanna hold her?" He nodded. I passed Nova to him, and she didn't move a muscle, just stayed fast asleep. It was crazy how little she looked in his big hands. A sight I never thought I'd see was Jaxon Teller holding his newborn daughter. Just not something I thought he'd ever had; a daughter._

 _"Logan," He thought he was going to start this conversation, but he was wrong. Very wrong._

 _"No." I stopped him. He sat back, shutting up. "I'm going to remain as calm and professional over this entire thing, because our children are here and I don't want either of them to get thrown off by us yelling and fighting. I'm going to lay this all out for you and make my point very fucking clear."_

 _I had to collect my thoughts, because I wasn't completely sure what I was going to say. I didn't just want to be hurtful, I wanted him to understand where I was coming from._

 _"I've been in your life a very long time." I told him. "I've always dealt with everything this club has brought along. Fights, guns. Arrests. People dying. I've dealth with it all, and that's because you guys have typically done a very good job at keeping us out of it and it away from our families." I didn't like doing this, it was making me sad and emotinal. These fucking hormones were never going to go back to normal, god damn it. "But what happened the other day.. I can't deal with that, Jaxon. You do illegal shit, it's who you are and what you do. I get that. But I've never had the worry in my head that Abel would get ahold of something hanging out around your club, because you respect family. My biggest fear came true the other day." He looked hurt and wouldn't make eye contact with me. I reached out and laid my hand on his leg. "Jaxon, our son had a bag full of heroin in his hands the other day. What would you have fucking done if he took some of it? What if he would have fucking died? Who have you become?" Okay, I was starting to be a bit irrational._

 _I tried to keep it at bay, but it just wasn't going to work. "I watched what you went through with Wendy, what Abel had to go through because of her. And here you are, selling terrible shit to support people who have a habit like hers! How do I know none of you have been using?" He looked really hurt at that one; his blue eyes felt like they were piercing my entire soul full of holes. "I can't trust you anymore, Jax." And I watched him break infront of me._

 _"Logan, I love you." I decided to let him talk for a little while, because if I continued I would be in full fledge tears in moments. "I didn't want to fuck this up. It was a one time thing only and it just so happened that it got fucked up, really fucked up." He leaned forward and laid Nova down in her swing that I brought out into the living room. He grabbed my hands. "If I knew what was going to happen, I never would have agreed to do the deal. It was just to get us the rest of the money we needed for the studio. We had to do this bad deal to help us get some legitimate business."_

 _He kept pouring his heart out, trying to explain that this was all a fucked up accident over and over again._

 _"Logan I'd never want to hurt you or our family, our son, our daughter. None of you. I fucking love all of you more than anything else in this entire world. I waited so long for you, miserable. Fucking anything with a pussy I came across." He had some tears in his eyes, fighting them from falling out. "You are my fucking wife, the first girl I have ever fucking loved. I let you leave, I watched you fucking leave once before!" He wasn't trying to yell, but it happened. Nova stirred a bit but fell back asleep. He couldn't fight it back anymore, a tear rolling out of his left eye. He wiped it away as quick as it streamed out._

 _He sniffled. "I watched you fucking leave for 4 years, and tried to let you go. I thought cutting you out of my life completely, not having to see or talk to you, that it would be good for you. I fucking feared this. You'd come back and the club would cause horrible things to happen. I didn't fucking want this. But I was so happy when you came back. I was so fucking in love. I am so fucking in love. WIth every single thing about you. All your mannerisms, the way you talk, the way you walk. The way you catch your breath when I hug you from behind and kiss your neck. The way your fucking eyes light up, so bright green, anytime you see Abel or he sees you. The way you mumble in your sleep and toss and turn. How you think you're never wrong. The way you compose yourself; you make disasterous look beautiful. You're just fucking perfect."_

 _I was bawling like a fucking baby. Abel came over to me and pulled on my shirt._

 _"Mum, mum?" he asked, wiping his eyes. I fought back my tears and smiled at him, helping him pull himself up on the couch to sit on me. He hugged me tight and leaned against me, laying his head on my chest. Jax reached into his pocket and pulled out my wedding band set that I had thrown off at the hospital._

 _"Let me make this right. Please, Logan?" he gestured the rings at me. It didn't take long for me to know my answer._

 _"You get one more chance." I told him, seriously. I couldn't deal with something like this, or worse, ever again. I wanted things to be how they were before. They needed too go back to normal._

And that was probably another one of my biggest fuckups so far. Listen, when someone you love and who says they love you hurts you so bad, and does something that fucking crazy and horrible, end it. Don't give out seconds chances. Just don't fucking do it.

Why?

Leopards don't change their fucking spots. I don't care what anyone says. Yeah, people change, sure. But their character? That shit stays the same. The worst decision I ever made was agreeing to get back with him, agreeing to make our faimly work that day.

If I would have said no and decided to get out, none of the terrible things in the years following would have happened. None of them. Me going back was a snowball effect. Gemma simmered down, Donna moved back home with Opie, and she was very serious about staying with his mother. She was getting ready to enroll the kids in school up there and everything.

But no, I fucked up. I destroyed everything because of Jaxon fucking Teller, the worlds biggest piece of shit.

I fucking hate him.

I need to go get a few drinks before I get more angry, I might suffer an anurism and that would be bad.

See ya soon

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	9. Chapter 9

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 009**

 **Fire**

You know what, guys? I don't even have a whole lot to say today, because this memory is enough. It screams volumes.

So listen up..

 _Nova was officially a month old and I was loving it. She was already getting so big, and she was even sleeping through the night already. So much easier this time than it was with Abel. Those commercial weren't kidding, my your second kid you really are a pro. I had just moved back in with Jax and we were really working on our trust issues. He was spending more time at home with us, but still not as much as I'd like. And there was always going to be things about the club I just didn't know, and that thought made my stomach sick for the first time since we knew each other._

 _I was at the house just hanging around. Both kids were napping, so I figured I'd give_ _Donna a call and see what she was up to. Her and the kids just got back two days ago from Opies mother. I kind of swayed her, I figured if I could deal with it, so could she. We would deal with it together._

 _"Hey sweets," she answered the phone. We bullshitted while she tried to maintain order in her house. She would pause every few seconds to yell at Toby and Raven for doing something they shouldn't be, and then our conversation would continue._

 _"I don't know," she vented. "I just still don't trust him at all, Logan. Somethings still up, I just know it.." She sounded really off. I understood completely though._

 _"No, I get it." I assured her. Nova started fussing so I picked her up, laying her on my lap. She was such a happy baby. " I don't trust them either and I think somethings still going on. I don't want to believe it is, but I'm far from stupid."_

 _We talked back and forth, deciding we were both gonna go to the club house for dinner that night. Gemma had kept bothering both of us about it, so we caved. We would go and try to get things to feel normal again. As normal as they could at least._

 _We got the kids ready and then ourselves, deciding we could show up a little early and help Gemma with whatever she needed us for. Apart from Piney and a few prospects out in the garge working on customer cars, we were the only ones there. We entered the club house, the fear of the last time I was here washing over me. I had to get over this anxiety. I had to try and believe that Jaxon and Opie wouldn't but their children in that kind of danger ever again._

 _But I couldn't get over it, and I was killing myself carrying them both around instead of setting them down. Gemma came out from the kitchen._

 _"I triple searched this entire place, it's safe." She assured Donna and I. We actually believed her, I knew she would never hurt these kids._

 _I sat Abel down and he ran over to Gemma immediately, her bending down and hugging him tight. I got Nova out of her carseat and layed her little head against my shoulder, rubbing her back as I walked. Donna put Toby and Raven down, letting them follow Abel and go play._

 _"Tig already helped me with everything I needed before he got a call to leave. Somethings going on, but he wouldn't tell me what so I'm guessing it's not so bad."_

 _Well, it was nice that we didn't have anything to do, but now we were just gonna sit around. I learned over to Gemma who had sat next to me._

 _"I wanna smoke." I whispered to her. She motioned to me, give her a minute. She headed out to the garage and came back with Piney._

 _"Ready to hang out with Uncle Piney?" he asked, Abel, Toby and Raven running over to him, smiling like crazy. I had Novas small bouncer with me in the car, so I was just going to grab it and keep her in it near me. Piney was good with the kids, but I refused to let anyone watch Nova yet. Not even Gemma._

 _Gemma, Donna and I headed outside, taking a seat on top of the picnic tables after I got the bouncer and got Nova situated. Her big blue eyes were open wide, and she was giving me a little smile._

 _"Who's mommas beautiful girl?" she moved around, smiling more. She was the happiest baby on the face of the Earth. "Nova, the happy girl!" she made some cooing noises and then turned her attention to Gemma._

 _She had a blunt, which was going to be so nice. I hadn't smoked in what felt like years and I was so stressed. I needed to be stoned._

 _"Who's Grammas little star?" she handed me the blunt. "You know, it's still very hard to believe that Jaxon produced a little girl. I'm so happy about it, but JT is probably rolling over in his grave right now." she chuckled, but I could see the ting of sadness in her eyes. She missed him, I knew she did. It had to kill her, Jax was a carbon copy of his father._

 _We sat and smoked, Nova drifting off to sleep rather quick. Everything was great and calm, until a herd of bikes came pulling up quick, barely stopping their bikes before jumping off. Jax and Clay came running over, all the guys close behind; except Bobby._

 _"What's wrong?" Gemma asked Clay. He stopped, kicking the ground and running hishand through his hair._

 _"Uh," he turned to Jax, peering at him over the rim of his sun glasses. Jax turned to me._

 _"What is it, baby?" I asked him._

 _"Ope?" he didn't want to make eye contact with Donna._

 _"Bobby got arrested." Jax spit out. Oh, fucking wonderful. Just what we needed. "Someone put in an anonymous tip and they busted him. It's not good." I pulled Jax to the side, out of ear shot of everyone else._

 _"What the fuck did he get busted for, exactly?" His face dropped. I couldn't believe it._

 _"You can ask anyone." he started before I had a chance to freak out. "It was the last fucking bun from the deal, Log. Someone knew we still had it and someone fucking called."_

 _Oh no. I couldn't even think about being angry right now. Someone was a fucking rat and that was more awful and dangerous than anything. The only way you know what's going on inside of this club, is if you're inside of this club._

 _Someone made a call and it was a big mistake. They were gonna be killed._

 _It made my stomach turned._

 _This was very very bad. Someone all of us knew has betrayed us, and they were going to pay for it. Oh, God. It was crucial I kept myself and the kids as far away from the club as possible during this time. They didn't need to be here when the rat was found out, none of us did. It wasn't our place, and it just added more of a mess to the situation._

 _I hurried back over, grabbing Nova and heading inside with Donna to get the kids. DInner was obviously not happening now, so we both hurried to do what our motherly instincts told us to; get out of there with the kids as quick as we could. We needed to go home, and stay far away from club business for the time being._

 _I exited, Abel and Nova in my arms, heading for the car. Jax walked over, helping me get the kids in._

 _"I'm sorry." he told me._

 _"It's not your fault." I assured him, because it really wasn't this time. I was concerned about getting Bobby out of jail and getting the rat out of his club._

 _I got Nova in and closed the door, moving closer to my husband and hugging him._

 _"Get this figured out," I told him. "Because I want you home with me for once. I'm ready for us to spend some family time together." We hadn't had a lot of that since Nova and I came home from the hospital, and I needed that to change. I had 3 more weeks of my maternity leave left and I wanted to make the best of it before I had to leave my precious babygirl with Gramma all day while I went to slave away at work. Stupid._

 _I gave him a kiss and then headed home with the kids._

 _I was sick to my stomach all night and I couldn't sleep. It was going on 2am and both kids were snoozing, and I was hoping Jax would be home soon. I needed him here to calm this anxiety, he seemed to be the only one who could ever do it._

 _My chest hurt so bad, if I didn't know any better I'd assume I was having a heart attack. I was so on edge and nervous, thinking off all the bad things that could come from there begin a rat here. It was fucking killing me._

 _And let a miracle sent from above, I heard the dead bolt on our front door unlock. I jumped out of bed, running, as quietly as possible, down the hallway to greet my husband. I hugged him tight and he hugged me back, but when I looked up to his eyes I knew something was wrong._

 _"Is everything okay?" I asked him. He sat down on the couch, shaking his head. I took a seat next to him, laying my hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong, baby?"_

 _He looked over to me, hurt in his eyes. "We think we know who the rat is. We talked to Uncer and a few other people, even from the Myans." He had tears forming by this point. I rubbed his upper arm._

 _"Baby.." This was going to be bad. "Who is it?"_

 _He carressed my face, pulling me close._

 _"We have to out smart the club. I can't let it happen." He took a breath. "Logan, it's Donna."_

 _My entire fucking world shattered. My best friend flipped on her husband and his club, and ended her own life. They were going to kill her, and Jax was beyond right. We had to go behind the clubs back and get her out of here. As far away as possible._

 _I hadn't even noticed I was crying cause I was moving so fast. I got my phone out and made a phone call to a 412 number belonging to someone I loved very much._

 _I had a hard time hearing her from the music in the background and 1000s of screaming people, but DJ Tangerine said any favor for me was taken care of._

 _God, I remember the first time I met Stella. Ha. I was at some shitty underground rave in Pittsburgh and so was she, and we just happened both been rolling our fucking faces off and started dancing._

 _Spend the entire night talking to her. She was a DJ trying to get a foot in the door, DJing shop parties and small raves, barely anyone showing up, and she needed a cheap place to stay._

 _I helped her out; a place to stay, food to eat. I helped her get on our feet. And now? She was making over 100k a year touring around and DJing on the East coast._

 _"We have to get her to Pittsburgh. Her and the kids."_

 _He froze. "She's the rat." and he snapped back from his emotions, showing how angry he was at her for trading on the club. "The kids are not. They stay here with Opie."_

 _He couldn't be fucking serious._

 _"You can't be fucking serious!" I yelled at him. I was a mother. I knew that love. "You do NOT seperate a mother from her children." He got up in my face and he got up in it quick._

 _"You don't flip on your husbands fucking club." He scared me, but he was right. I hated this omre than anything, especially with the change in Jax's mood. "The kids will be fine here. It's either they stay and eventually get to know mommys alive and okay, or they have to say goodbye to their mother forever, which one do you want Loge?"_

 _He didn't have to be such a cynical fucking asshole all the time. I didn't say much else, and neither did he. We got into bed and tried falling asleep, but that didn't seem possible for either of us. It was going on almost 5am and I knew Nova was going to be getting up in the next hour or so, so there was no point in even trying to fall back asleep. I was just going to push through it and get everything with Donna taken care of._

 _My head was so loud, thinking about having to say goodbye to my best friend. It was even louder trying to think of what I was going to say to her. Part of me was so sad, but the other part of me was so mad. No matter how mad I got I would never turn on Jax and his club, not ever in any situation. It was just something you did not fucking do. And she did._

 _Fuck, Donna._

So, yeah.

Donna turned on the club in a desperate attempt to get her husband out.

It was never supposed to be Bobby; it was supposed to be Opie, but he ended up not going on the deal.

So obviously at this point things are a little fuckered up, but I was hoping they were going to get better.

Hint; they fucking don't.

But I really need to try and get some sleep.

Signing off,

Logan Henderson-Teller


	10. Chapter 10

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 010**

 **May You**

As much as I wish I could skip this memory during my shit tale, I can't. It's crucial and I absolutely hate it. What I hate more?

Today is the 4 year anniversary of this horrible fucking day.

I actually need to make a point to.. I'll get into that at the end. Anyways, here.

 _I hadn't slept in almost 32 hours, I was running on fumes and 5 pots of black coffee. This was madness._

 _"I have the car ready to go." Jax came strolling through the kitchen, tossing me the keys to what looked like a KIA. "Everythings ready, it's going down at 4. I'm gonna take the kids with me over to Ma's house, and Piney took Toby and Raven with him up North with him."_

 _My anxiety was so high, I stopped listening. The kids were ready to go with Jax, and I was just trying to swallow down as much coffee as possible. Once he left I had to go to Donnas and try to get her packed as quick and as sly as possible and get her out of town, on her way to Pittsburgh._

 _I had a migraine at this point and just wasn't listening to anything Jax was saying. I knew the fucking plan, we had gone over it more times than I could even count at this point. Literally all day and night yesterday, and now again this morning. We had sacraficed our sleep between this plan and the kids. It had only been a little over a month but I needed a fucking break, I needed a fucking break so bad._

 _"Logan!" I snapped out of my thoughts, seeing him standing at the door with the kids. I sprang up and over to him, helping him out the door and getting the kids in the car._

 _"Luh Mum!" Abel gave me a hug around the neck and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I went over and kisses Novas forehead, closing both the back doors. I met my husband at the drivers door, giving him a hug and a kiss. After they pulled out of the driveway I hurried into the bedroom and opened the safe._

 _I hated to admit it, but I couldn't fucking do this sober. I couldn't do this day sober. Fuck, man. I grabbed one of the tall pill bottles that I kept in the safe; it containted three Opana 30s._

 _I took one and sucked the orange coating off until it was completely white. I headed out to the kitchen, grabbing my lighter and a $20 bill from my wallet. I crushed the pill on the table under the banknote with my lighter. I grabbed my wallet, taking out one of my many credit cards. I cut the pill in thirds, and then pushed two of the lines into a pile and then off to the side. I rolled up the twenty and immediately snorted up the white powder. Fucking Christ it felt good._

 _This was something I did once a year, maybe twice. I really didn't think I'd be doing this so soon after having Nova, but I needed it. I absolutely needed it. I was about to send my best friend all the way across the fucking country to save her life. I needed to be high._

 _And oh boy I fucking was. I was high as fuck, but I composed myself enough to drive to Donnas to start this shit awful process. This had to be done as quick as possible. I wore a thin black jacket and kept the hood up and my sun glasses on the entire time, just in case. I knocked on her door._

 _She answered, still in her pajamas._

 _"Oh," she was surprised. "Hey! Come in. Sorry," she closed the door after I walked in. I took my hood down and my sunglasses off. I headed back to her bedroom. "I've been relaxing since Piney got the kids and Opie left." she followed me. "Logan, what are you doing?"_

 _I grabbed a suitcase out of her closet._

 _"Logan," she grabbed the suitcase off of me. "What are you doing?"_

 _It was a good thing I was so high, cause if not, I wouldn't have been able to say anything that I was about to._

 _"Donna," I placed my hands on my hips. "They found out it was you."_

 _I was hoping her reaction would have been much different than it was, but it wasn't. Her face went pale white and she just stood there, thinking of what to say next._

 _"Logan, I-"_

 _"Don't." For some reason I felt like Jax must have felt the last few nights. "They have it out for your fucking head, Donna. Pack what you need, we have a car ready for you and I have a place set up for you in Pittsburgh."_

 _"But the kids!" she was frantic, tears starting._

 _God, I didn't wanna fucking do this. But I had to_

 _I snapped around on her, getting up in her face._

 _"They're fucking fine, and they'll stay fine here. You fucked up, not them, Donna." She looked so fucking hurt and believe me, I wanted nothing more than to just break down in tears over it. I didn't like knowing I was the asshole causing my best friend this pain, but I wasn't fucking wrong. She was the one who fucked up. She did what every woman in the club had promised they never would._

 _"Logan, I-"_

 _"Pack your fucking shit, Donna!" I demanded. She paused for a second, letting a few tears fall, and then got to business._

 _I headed out to the kitchen and sat down at her table, letting my high set in more than it was already. I pulled my cigarette pack out of my purse and grabbed a joint out of it, sparking it up. I was a fucking wreck. I could feel how plastic-y my face felt from all the dried tears all over it. My head was so loud and moving so fast, I wanted nothing to do with any of this. She just had to be so fucking stupid, I didn't get it._

 _It was about an hour later and Donna came out from the bedroom, fully dressed and dragging her bags behind her. I could tell she had been crying the entire time; her face was red and her eyes and cheeks were swollen._

 _I stood up, putting my sunglasses on._

 _"You ready?" I walked over and helped grab her bags, heading for the door. I had to drive her to where Jax had left the car for her and get her on her way. It was a little before 4, so I was right on time._

 _Donna didn't say a single word to me the drive there, no matter how hard I tried and pressed her to. She just stared out the window, crying. God, I felt so fucking awful and I was so fucking high. I was the biggest piece of shit friend that had ever existed._

 _No. If she didn't flip, this would't have happened. It was out of my control, it wasn't my fault._

 _I snapped my thoughts and pulled down the dirt road where the GPS led, seeing the dark purple KIA as we pulled down closer._

 _I helped Donna get her things transferredfrom my car to the rental Jax got for her, and handed over the keys. We stood there in silence for a few seconds, then finally we both lost it, falling into each others arms, tears flying and holding each other tight on that dusty ground._

 _"I'm so sorry." she cried to me, burrying her head into the nape of my neck. I cried back into hers, trying to control my snot._

 _"I hate this fucking club, this fucking place." I told her honestly. I hated all of this bullshit. The club, the rules. That if you try to play it safe you fuck up. No matter what you do, you fuck up. It's a fucking circle of nothingness that gets you nowhere; or maybe that was just the opiates talking. I don't know._

 _"Logan make sure the kids are taken care of," she cried out. The look in her eyes tortured me, it was so hollow, so dark, so empty. She had become a shell of who she was since I walked in this morning to get her. "And please watch after Opie. He's a fucking child." she let a small laugh out, still crying furiously._

 _We pulled away from our hug and gave each other a kiss on the cheek. I handed her the GPS and set it to the address she needed._

 _"Just follow the GPS. There's a phone numbered saved in the notes on there. Call it when you're close, Stella will answer. Just make sure you tell her it's you."_

 _It felt like my body being ripped in half, watching her climb into that car and drive away. And I could tell it felt like the exact same for her. I got back into my car and kicked the shit out of my dash for a second before driving off. I needed cigarettes, do I headed to the other side of town to the EP Gas Station. I hated the little slut that worked there, but I was high enough to get the fuck over it._

 _I went in a got a pack of Newport menthols, packing them quickly and pulling out my first cigarette in months. It was starting to get cooler out and the breeze across the air felt so nice on my hot skin. I stood outside of my car smoking the cigarette, just basking for a second. I closed my eyes, enjoing the silence._

 _Then I remembered I had brought the rest of my Opana with me. I hopped in my car, reaching for the small bag I had put the powder in. I used my keys to scoop up two little piles, sucking them up._

 _Yes._

 _This was exactly what I needed today. I wanted to try and move on from this._

 _Donna was going to be safe, things were going to be worked out over Bobby. Things were going to start getting back to normal._

 _And then I heard it._

 _The emergency whistle._

 _I literally felt my heart fall from my chest into my fucking ass and then jump back up into my throat. I was shaking, uncontrolably. I fought to get my keys into the ignition, barely able to start my car. But once it was started I drove 90 the opposite way I had come, barely able to see from all the tears. It was a good thing I was alone too, because god damn it I was fucking screaming._

 _I knew what it was before I saw it, but still holding out hope it wasn't what I fucking knew it was._

 _And then I had proof._

 _I saw the freedom lights ahead of me, a huge circle of fuckery. State boys and the local Charming police, two ambulances, a fire truck. On the other side of the circle, about a dozen Harleys. I pulled my var over on the side with my four-ways on, making my way through the crowd of people._

 _"Ma'am," one of the statey tried to stpo me. "You can't go any further."_

 _"THE FUCK I CAN'T!" I screamed at him, probably soaking him with spit of tears._

 _And to the rescue came Uncer, who demanded I was faimly and needed through to get to the other side. He grabbed me by the arm and pulled me._

 _Suddenly everything slowed down, and everything got silent inside my head, just muffled out bass hits of what had potential to be sound._

 _I saw it._

 _The KIA, with the back and drivers side windows shot in, blood everywhere. I could see her head, or what was part of her head, a mangled fucking mess, chunks of it and brain and blood everywhere. I was physically sick._

 _I had to stop and vomit up what liquid was in my stomach from the day, screaming more. Uncer pulled me through the last crowd of people, getting me back to the club._

 _Immediately Jax came running over to me, trying to grab me up in his arms. I pushed him the fuck off of me._

 _"Don't you fucking touch me, you piece of shit!" I screamed at him._

 _And that was a mistake. I always liked to think I was stronger than Jax, but he always proved to me that wasn't the case._

 _He picked me up quick and tight and held me against him, walking us towards Gemmas escalade. I fought him the entire way, kicking and screaming. My eyes were so flooded and burned so much, it added to the pain I was feeling. I just saw my best friend dead, with her fucking head blown to pieces._

 _And it was because of something I was part of, something I couldn't help. God fucking damn it._

 _Jax got me to her car and sat me inside in the passanger seat, Gemma coming over and hoping in. He wanted me out of there, and he wanted me out of there now. Gemma backed the car up and started driving, while I was still having a mental breakdown. I reached into my pocket and grabbed out the little bag of powder I had left, my shaking hand trying to steady my keys._

 _Gemma looked over put chose not to judge me, not to open her mouth right then. She knew I was upset and didn't want to worsen the blow._

 _I was chain smoking cigarettes and taking in bigger hits of joints than I should have. I needed to feel numb, to feel nothingness._

 _And that didn't take long. The next almost 48 hours were a blurr. I secluded myself, staying tucked away. I wouldn't let Jax in the house; he was the last person I wanted to see right now. This feeling would go away eventually, because truly it wasn't his fault. It's how this life was, the life we both signed up for._

 _Some of us just don't make it out alive; and she didn't._

 _Opie was a fucking mess, and I was so worried about him. The kids? God. I couldn't even bare that thought. They would understand for a while, but it killed. I knew they would have no memories of their mother as they grew older, and that was bullshit. It wasn't fair._

 _My parents had kept the kids, because I was in no mental state to do it myself. I felt like a piece of shit, but this really was the most responsible decision at the time being. I told my mom I felt they should stay with them for a few nights until I got things figured out at home. And that got turned into them taking a trip to Nevada to visit my dads sister and my cousins who have kids Abels age. I was okay with it._

 _I looked at myself in the mirror. Eye sunked in and droopy; I was high, sick. I had been on a total opiate binge the past couple days, splurging on lots of Opanas. It felt so wrong but helped me on too many levels._

 _My outfit matched what my soul felt like; black and dull. Black shirt, black leggings, and some black and gold jewelery. I didn't want to do this, but I fucking had to. I put my sunglasses on, hiding my dark and saggy eyes. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door, letting a few tears roll again._

 _ **May you build a ladder to the stars**_

 _ **And climb on every rung,**_

 _ **And may you stay forever young,**_

 _ **May you stay forever young.**_

 _We stood at the freshly dug grave, wathcing the guys from the club carrying that wooden casket, flowers adorned across the top. Gemma squeezed my hang tight and I gave in, squeezing it back. I looked across at the four chairs, Opie trying to comfort his children. Raven and Toby both knew and understood that their mother was gone, and that was fucking awful._

 _ **May you grow up to be righteous,**_

 _ **May you grow up to be true,**_

 _ **May you always know the truth**_

 _ **And see the lights surrounding you.**_

 _ **May you always be courageous,**_

 _ **Stand upright and be strong,**_

 _ **May you stay forever young,**_

 _ **May you stay forever young.**_

 _And like a sign from Donna herself, after the casket was lowered and we prayed, the sky cracked open, a heavy rain falling down on everyone. People began running to their cars, but me? I stood in it; so clean, refreshing, it felt like it was washing this dirty off of me._

 _"I love you, Donna." I said to her grave, before walking back to my car in the pouring rain._

And that was the day I lost my best friend. Me and the kids just got back from taking flowers to her grave.

People always tell you time heals, but I have a life full of more pain than one person should be able to handle to tell you that's a fucking lie.

Time doesn't heal pain. Really? Nothing heals pain. Time just makes it more tolerable. I think you just get so used to the pain over time, it doesn't seem like it hurts as much anymore. But it still did, very much.

I would give my life 1000 times to save Donna.

I loved her.

And even though I tried, I couldn't save her.

And that's the sad truth about a lot of things in this life.

Ugh..

Until next time

Signing off

Logan Henderson-Teller


	11. Chapter 11

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 011**

 **5 Months**

I don't have much to say today.

Oh well.

Here.

 _Nova was already 5 months old and the happiest baby I had ever met in my life. Things finally felt like they were normal again. Well, as normal as they could be for us._

 _The club had finally got the porn studio up and running, and it was bringing in money like crazy. Even more money since the Mayans had joined in and were profitting on it._

 _Not to mention they were still running guns and that was bringing in just as much money. It was how Jax and I were able to afford the new house; so much more room. Going back to work wasn't very much fun, but I did love having time alone from family and the club. It was nice social interaction. Since Donna passed away I hadn't made many friends or hung with many people, this was it._

 _My students this year were great so far, I had very few complaints._

 _But it was the weekend, and I was getting to relax with my babies. Early October always looked so nice in Charming, and it was great porch and outside weather. Abel played in the yard on his swing set and play castle, and Nova sat in her jump-a-roo on the porch, giggling and having a good time. I was smoking a joint, waiting for Jax to get home. It shouldn't be much longer._

 _I sipped my Iced Tea and hit the joint, really enjoying the day. It was a beautiful Friday evening, we were going to go out for dinner. Things were going so good, even I really couldn't believe it._

 _But the saying goes, when it rains it pours, but the sun will shine again._

 _And the sun was finally shining on our lives for once._

 _I heard the front door open and foot-steps through the house, heading to the back porch._

 _"Daddy!" Abel screamed, running for the porch, arms wide open. Jax bent down and hugged him, picking him up. Abel clung around his neck, pulling him close._

 _"How was your day, baby?" I asked him, picking up Nova so she could get up close to daddy for some kisses._

 _He gave her kisses on both cheeks, which erupted a smile from our little happy girl._

 _"Good," he sat down at the table I was just sitting at, taking a drink of my tea. "Busy. We had a lot of production today, but they're right on a schedule, which is great." Abel climbed down to go back over to his toys. I sat down, Nova bouncing on my lap._

 _"How's everything going with the Mayans?"_

 _He chuckled and shrugged his shoulders. "Still arguing that they deserve 40%, but all they're getting is 25%, and that's that." The Mayans, in all honesty, did not fucking deserve even close to 40%. I didn't even think they deserved 25%, but they did help out with it, and beef between clubs was never a good thing to have._

 _We sat and bullshitted for awhile before we got the kids ready to go with Gemma for the night so we could go out for dinner. Ope was coming too, with a woman he had just started seeing. I actually liked her, and I thought it was good that Opie was trying to find happiness again. A little too soon if you ask me, but it wasn't my business._

 _"Fuck," Jax snapped on his watch as I grabbed my purse. "I forgot my fucking bag at the studio." That bag was important; it had my weed and bong in it, plus some cash and a few other odds and ends. I only had about a bowl pack left with me, so I really wanted that bag._

 _"I can stop and get it." I assured him. I was an adult. "Just give me the keys; you can go get Ope and Amanda and I'll meet you guys at the pub. It'll take the same amount of time."_

 _He seemed doubtful at first, but handed over the studio keys to me, holding up a gold one._

 _"This opens the doors for you to get in," he held up a much smaller silver key. "And this opens the safe for you to grab the bag from." I snatched the keys out of his hand and I was on my way._

 _I jammed the entire way to the studio, turning my radio down as I pulled up. I only really smoked cigarettes on the weekends, if that, but this was one of those weekends. I took the last drag of my menthol and flicked it out into the road, heading to the door._

 _I unlocked it and headed in, towards the back office. Before I got to the door, I heard talking in a room over. Being the nosey rosey I always have been, I peaked around the corner, seeing a few of the Mayans sitting at a table, drinking and smoking._

 _"It's bullshit," one of them slammed his fist down. "25 fucking percent? What are we supposed to do with that? Wipe our fucking asses?" he took a big gulp of his beer and sat it down, crossing his arms and leaning back._

 _Another Mayan joined in, and soon all of them were talking shit over the small percentage they were getting from this studio._

 _And like usual, I fucked up. I didn't realize one of the props weren't very steady and I accidentally knocked it over with my foot. I held my breath, pressing hard against the wall hoping they wouldn't see me._

 _But they did._

 _One came around, pushing me hard up against the wall, holding a gun to my face. Two others surrounded me, and two more stayed back behind them, just watching._

 _One of the closer ones laughed. "It's fuckin' Tellers old lady."_

 _And I saw one of the most evil looks I had seen to date light up in all of their eyes._

 _"What a lucky night it is." The Mayan pulled the gun away from my face and pushed me to the ground, my jaw smacking the cement. I tried to look up, but he literally kicked me while I was down, and it made my vision blurry. I could taste pennies, and I was sure my lip was busted._

 _"Since your stupid ass fucking husband doesn't understand how business works," I couldn't see, but I could hear metal and fabric and zippers, a terrible combination of sounds. I heard what sounded like a belt hit the ground. "We have a message for you to send to him."_

 _Mostly all I remember after that were their bodies on top of me, one by one. It was all browned out, bits and pieces here and there, me fading in and out of conciousness._

 _When I woke up I could barely move and I was naked all except for some of my tanktop that was half slanted over my body. My leggings were ripped and so was my shirt, my underwear completely destroyed and laying off in a pile on the ground. My own blood was all around me on the concrete floor and god did my body hurt._

 _I didn't want to move, I didn't even want to touch any part of myself to access the damage. My legs hurt. My ass hurt. I was bleeding from my head to my toes, and my eyes were so swollen and burning I couldn't even fucking see. I couldn't even see enough to find my cell phone, or to see what time it was. Jax had to have been worried._

 _And he was, considering he sent Uncer looking for me. I was so embarressed._

 _I heard the front door open and at first I was fearful; it was the fat spick fucks coming back for me, to put me through hell again._

 _"Logan?" I heard the soft old mans voice ring through the building._

 _I tried to yell, but I couldn't. My throat was soar and my neck was bruised from being choked. Everything came out low and raspy._

 _"U-U-Uncer." I managed to get out. I heard him fumble his way through the building, making it back to me._

 _"Jesus Christ." he noted, making his way over and down to me on the floor. He tried to touch me but I winced in pain; literally everything hurt. "Logan, who did this to you?" I didn't want to tell him. That was going to cause problems, and right now I didn't need that._

 _"Please," I got out. "Help me."_

 _And that was all I remember of that._

 _Next thing I know I'm waking up in a hospital bed connected to wires and tubes gallore at St. Thomas. Gemma was in my room, sitting next to my bed reading a book. My throat was so dry I couldn't help but start coughing. Gemma jumped up, grabbing me crushed ice and water immediately._

 _"Oh, sweet girl." she ran her hands carefully over my hair. I was still so sore, but it hurt a lot less than before. My right wirst had a cast on it, I had a boot on one of my feet. I could see the beginning of stitches on my leg, as well as my upper arm and a small gash on my chest. I didn't even want to look at my face. By how much of my vision I had, I knew it couldn't be good._

 _"Where's Jax?" I managed to get out, taking small sips of my water._

 _"He's at home with the kids right now. He thought they should be with him, so I told him I'd stay. It's almost 4am, but I can call him if you want." I shook my head. I was still tired, and was planning on sleeping some more before I actually interacted with people._

 _"I want some more sleep." I told her. She nodded, sitting back down._

 _"Sweet girl, what happened?" She held my hand, rubbing her thumb over the top of it._

 _I wanted to cry, but my face and eyes hurt too bad, which was actually a good thing. I hated crying infront of people, especially someone as strong as Gemma._

 _"I went to the studio to get Jax bag he forgot, it had my weed in it," I started. "The Mayans were there, talking shit about the 25%." My voice cracked. "He told me this was a business message for Jax, for the club. Gemma all 5 of them raped me. Each and every fucking one." My face hurt so bad, because my body was trying to cry but it just couldn't._

 _She just held me lightly, as not to hurt me, and cried for me._

 _"Oh, baby." she stroked my head until I drifted off to sleep for a few more hours._

 _When I woke back up again there were nurses in my room with breakfast, and my husband was there at my side._

 _"Oh, sweetheart." he kissed my forehead. I was so happy to see him. "I'm gonna kill them, Logan."_

 _"No." I immediately shot back. The nurse must have taken the hint, cause she left my food and exited the room. "40%. Give them the 40 fucking percent, Jax." I sat up, best I could. My sides and back hurt like a bitch._

 _"Logan bu-"_

 _"Look what they did, Jax. Give them the money. No amount of fucking money is worth this.. Jesus Christ. Is this what you want? Shit like this happening over and over again?"_

 _Before I had something irrational, because let's face it, we all knew it was coming, I stopped myself._

 _"Let's not talk about this right now. I want to feel better."_

Still don't have much to say.

Next time.

Logan


	12. Chapter 12

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 012**

 **Coping**

The next part of what I'm about to start telling you.. Well, I'm not proud of it at all. I hated this part of myself, this part of my life. I was digusted thinking about it.

But it happened, and I can never change that.

 _I had come home from the hospital and was healing, adjusting. My anxiety was through the roof and valium wasn't doing the trick. Being attacked really.. Fucked me up. I barely wanted to leave the house, and never alone. It was horrible._

 _I even felt like my kids had been distanced from me, everyone had. And it was my fault._

 _But today? I was going to have to get over that, because I had to go meet Jax at the studio. I had convinced him to let the shit go because the last thing we needed was them to retaliate with people who we were benefiting from, even with them getting 40%._

 _I was a nervous wreck, I didn't wanna go there. But Jax said he had a friend who could help me with the anxiety issues I was having. A manufactured drug, something like an Opana but stronger._

 _I didn't want to know._

 _The drive there was horrible, but I popped a Xanax and it helped a little bit. Enough to get me there and inside, where my husband immediately greated me at the door._

 _"Hey babe." he kissed my cheek and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, guiding me to the back, into the office._

 _There were two black men, repping purple. Gang affiliation. Not my business. There were a few bags on the table with dice marked on them, filled with an ashy colored substance._

 _"It's not all the time," Jax started, dumping some out and cutting out two lines. "Just when you absolutely need it. Here," He snorted one line and then passed it to me. Without thinking, I railed it. My head was instantly on fire for three seconds, and then gone._

 _Fuck._

 _And just like that, all my feelings diappeared. I felt like I could fucking function again, like I could be normal and didn't have to be so anxiety ridden._

 _"Wow." Was all I could say, collapsing back into a chair. Jax and the other gang members exchanged a hand shake and a few words before the guys left._

 _He closed and locked the office door behind them, coming over and kneeling down infront of me, grabbing my hands and kissing them._

 _"How ya feelin?"_

 _I couldn't even put it into words, so i just nodded and let out a little giggle._

 _He laughed back, starting to get up, leaning forward to place a few kisses on my neck._

 _My husband and I hadn't really been intimate since I got attacked but it hit me like a fucking train; I was horny as.. Jesus fucking Christ I was just horny._

 _I leaned forward, letting him kiss and suck my neck more, gentle moans escaping my lips._

 _"Take me." I told him. He broke away to look at me, and I nodded._

 _Jax grabbed me up and sat me on his desk, I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck, him kissing my nape and using his hands to rub my breast. I was so sensitive to touch; this high was fucking amazing. For the first time in a very long time, I felt normal._

 _We both knew it had to be a quicker, but god damn it. I was as wet as a fucking puddle and he was harder than a rock._

 _We fumbled, pulling each others pants down a bit, and within seconds he slid into me, errupting a bit of a scream. It so long and thick, I could feel my walls squeeing him tight. When he pulled out and thrusted back in hard I lost my breath, I could feel him in my stomach; Fuck._

 _"Fuck me." I moaned in his ear. He grabbed me tighter around the waist and slammed into me harder and faster, shaking the desk. I didn't care how loud I was being, and neither did he._

 _A long lived ten minutes and we both came. I collappsed back across the desk, hanging off the other side and Jax fell back into his chair. We caught out breath for a few seconds and then pulled our pants back up._

 _"Can you follow me back to the garage? I wanna drop the bike off and then we can go pick the kids up together, maybe get a bite to eat."_

 _And nothing sounded fucking better. Instead of answering him I gave him a deep, long kiss. He smiled as we pulled away and gave me another kiss on the forehead. I picked up my purse and he grabbed his keys. As we exited the office and he locked it, I lit us both a cigarette, handing one over to him. I switched back to reds, because it was just easier. Plus I liked a stronger cigarette now-a-days anyway._

 _We walked towards the door, smoking our cigarettes. Nothing was better than a cigarette after good sex. As we turned the corner, we hard Tig chuckle and cause an uproar._

 _"Shoulda put the fucking cameras in the office, now THAT woulda made some money."_

 _"Fuck you!" Jax laughed back. I couldn't help but crack a smile. I mean hey, our sex was good. And not trying to brag, but we were both good looking people, at least I thought so._

 _I followed him back to the garage and waited in the passanger seat while he parked the bike and got it locked up for the night._

 _Jax got in the car, getting adjusted for a second._

 _"Do you wanna do another line?" I was starting to come down, and I didn't much like feeling how I was before. Jax smirked, pulled out a baggie and scooped us both up two little piles with his keys._

 _And life was good again._

 _We chain smoked cigarettes with the windows rolled all the way down on the way to get the kids. I was so excied to see them, and so excited to go get food; I was starving._

 _As soon as we pulled up to Gemmas Abel started yelling. We opened the fence and walked through to the back yard where he was playing with Toby and Raven and Gemma was holding Nova, who was chewing on one of her toys. She was started to get teeth poking through but luckily it's gone well. No high fevers or anything, just chewing everything and drooling everywhere._

 _"Mommy!" Abel came running over to me. I bent down to greet him, picking him up in a big hug._

 _"Hey bubbas." I gave him four of five quick kisses on the cheek, and he gave me one back, nearly strangling me around the neck. "I missed you sooooooo much." I sat him down and he grabbed my hand, walking over to Gemma with us._

 _"It's nice to see you smiling for a change." she told me. And I flashed her a big smile, just to show her how happy I was. God, this was what I needed. She handed me Nova, who instantly started smiling at me, dropping her chew toy and all._

 _"Hello my sweet darling." I greeted her, kissing her cheek and then pinching her chunky little legs. "Mama missed you, yes I did." i loved seeing how happy she got when I baby talked her. Jax leaned over my shoulder, causing Nova to smile bigger. "Do you want daddy?" And she started cooing, waving her arms around. I turned around and handed her to Jax. She was such a daddys girl; I may have carried her for 9 months and given birth, but fuck me, right? Daddy all the way._

 _We talked with Gemma and Clay for a little while, but didn't stay long. Jax and I were starving and needed a beer, and Abel said he was getting hungry too._

 _We went to the diner in South Charming, delicious food and ice cold beer, always. We got a little booth table in the back, it was quiet. Not a lot of people were there._

 _Jax and I both ordered burgers and loaded fries, Abel got a grilled cheese and fries. I tried to feed Nova before our food came out, so we could eat a little easier. It was perfect, she ate, I burped her, and she was content playing with her carseat toys._

 _"I love you." I told Jax over the table, reaching for his hands._

 _"Ew!" Abel blurted out, making a sour face._

 _"Hey!" Jax turned to him. "It's not ew. I love your mommy very much, don't you?"_

 _He thought for a second. "Well, yeah. I love mommy."_

 _I smiled. And I loved my boys and my little girl. I loved my little family, I loved it all. For the first time in a very very long time I felt happy and normal. This is what it was supposed to be like all the time, well, most of the time at least. My happy family, everything was great._

 _And then my phone rang._

 _It was my mom, and the conversation was short, she didn't seem in the best of spirits. She just said she really thought Jax and I should stop over tonight, so I called Gemma up and told her it was a change of plans and we needed to drop the kids back off._

 _Abel was fussy about it, but he fell asleep on the car ride there and was still out when we got there. We got the kids taken inside and hurried back out, over to my parents house._

 _They were sitting in the living room, quiet; just like a dark cloud over the entire room._

 _"Mom? Dad? Is Gram okay? What's going on?" I came in and sat down next to my mom, who hadn't found words yet. "Momma, what's going on?"_

 _Jax sat across from me in a chair, leaning forward on his knees, waiting for what they were about to say._

 _My mom reached down and grabbed my hand, then looked over to my father who nodded to her._

 _"Daddy had his appointment today, we got back all his test results." And that's the moment I knew nothing she was about to say could be good. "It's not good." She stopped to catch her breath, trying to hold back tears. "He has very aggressive stage 4 colon and pancreas cancer.."_

 _I didn't know it until a tear fell down on my hand, but I was bawling like an absoultey baby; a toddler having a terrible-two melt down, if you will. My dad came over and hugged me._

 _"They gave me less than 6 months, but said I can try treatment if I want to." He sat down next to me, continuing to hug me tight. "Your mom and I are gonna go stay with Aunt Moriah in Cleveland, there's a treatment center near there. We're gonna see how I react at first and then try and go from there."_

 _My dad was dying and now they were telling me they were going to the other fucking side of the country? No._

 _"You can't be serious." I was pissed off at the entire fucking world. "You're dying, soon, and you're telling me you're moving 1000 miles away from me, your family?!" I was hysterical, I'm sure they could barely even understand what I was saying anymore._

 _"Logan, compose yourself." My mom grabbed my shoulders. I looked to my husband and his eyes and face were just sad. "This is the best decision, this is what we need to do." She told me seriously._

 _I didn't want to accept this, I didn't want to believe this. But I had to._

 _I hugged both my parents close and tight. "I love you so much."_

And that's when everything changed. Things were getting worse, but it was nowhere close to rock bottom yet.

Fuck, man.

Next time?

I hate myself.

Logan


	13. Authors Note

Hey guys! A few of you were asking me for faceclaims for my OC characters so I've added them to my profile, all have links!

ALSO, I'm holding a contest.

Please submit for your own original character!

Then one I chose will be having a BIG role in the story coming out.

Please tell me..

Height;

Weight;

Hair Color/Type;

Skin Tone;

Eye Color;

Personality abd Background;

FaceClaim(if you want);

Thanks so much guys!

-Arri Mason


	14. Chapter 13

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 013**

 **Who Am I?**

You wanna know why I really hated getting a divorce, splitting custody of our children? Because some how, when they go with their father, something always happens.

This time? Abel had a broken arm, great.

I fucking hate Jax.

JESUS CHRIST UGH.

Here.

 _It had been about two weeks since my parents had left and gotten moved in out in Cleveland; I had talked to them everyday and facetimed them a few times. It wasn't nearly as awful as I thought it would be._

 _My days at work had become easier since Jax intorduced me to this new drug, my students and work friends could tell and had even commented on it a few times, saying how happy I had seemed lately. I was loving it._

 _However, I was building up a tolerence, because my habit had gone from one of those bags lasting me almost three days, to me needing one, maybe a little more, every day. But it kepy me normal, it let me function. It helped me cope with all the bullshit that had happened with those fucking spicks._

 _I was moving on from it, just trying my best to forget._

 _I was on my way to the club house after school let out to get the kids from Gemma. Abel loved days they spent at T &M, he loved being around the bikes and cars and all the guy. I was in serious trouble when this little boy was old enough to patch into his fathers club. Fuck._

 _I had finished off my last bag a little after lunch time, it was a long busy day, I needed it. I could feel myself starting to come down, but I wouldn't have anymore until Jax got home that night. Oh well, I'd have to deal._

 _By the time I got to T &M I could tell something was wrong with me; I felt sick and sweaty, I kept going from hot to cold and my head was starting to really hurt. I had to take a second to compose myself before going in to get the kids._

 _"Hey Gem," I greeted her at the entrance. "How were they today?"_

 _She smiled. "Wonderful! As usual." she looked me up and down. "Are you alright, babe? Are you okay? You look a little pale."_

 _I shook my head. "Yeah, I think so. I don't know. Feel like maybe I'm catching a little bit of a stomach bug or something."_

 _"Well do you think I should keep the kids tonight, then? Don't want them getting sick, do you?"_

 _Man, she had a point. I really wanted my babies home with me, but if I was getting the flu or something the last thing I needed was to get them sick._

 _"You're right. I'm just gonna head home and maybe lay down, take a shower or something. Thanks so much, Gem."_

 _"Not a problem, babe. I love you, I hope you feel better. I'll send some soup home with Jax, okay?"_

 _We hugged and I headed home, feeling progressively worse the entire way. As soon as I pulled into the driveway I threw the car door open and vomitted; fuck, I was sick._

 _I managed to get inside and then threw up in the sink again. I cleaned it all up and hurried into the bedroom and through the door to our bathroom, turning the shower on. I got undressed and stepped in the hot water, sitting down on the shower floor. I just let the hot water hit me, hoping it would make me feel better, but it really didn't at all._

 _I threw up in the shower and decided that was enough, I needed to lie down. I got out and dried my body off, putting a pair of PJ shorts and a tank top on. I crawled into my bed, using the AC remote to turn it on. I was face was so hot, but my entire body was sweating, which make it cold. I had the AC on 62 and was snuggled up under our comforter. I laid there, shivering and sick hoping Jax would be home soon to take care of me._

 _I fell asleep for about an hour and got woken up to my husband coming in, rushing through the door and back to the bedroom to me._

 _"Hey, baby." He sat down next to me, rubbing my back. He helped my roll over to face him._

 _"I feel so awful." I was so weak, too._

 _Jax pulled out a bag from his pocket and scopped up powder with the keys and gestured it to me._

 _I shook my head._

 _"No, I don't want that right now."_

 _"Baby trust me. It'll make you feel better."_

 _I trusted that enough, sometimes drugs did help you feel better if you were sick. I snorted the bump, and then he gave me another one and I snorted it up too._

 _15 minutes was all it took for me to feel alright. Literally every flu-like symptom I had went away. And I was concerned._

 _"Jaxon.." I sat down at the kitchen table across from him, sipping the cup of coffee I made for myself. "Was that withdraw?" He better not have given me something he knew I would never actually use._

 _"It was like withdraw. Like, ya know how people who take Xanax everyday can't just stop cause they can get seizures and shit? It's the same thing, it can make you sick. You've been using it everyday Logan, like people who take pain pills everyday. Your body adjusts and then gets sick when it doesn't have it. So, yeah, like withdraw but not withdraw. You aren't a junkie."_

 _And the thought in the back of my head told me not to believe his bullshit, but I didn't listen. TH back of my head knew I was becoming a junkie and tried to send me warnings, but I refused to listen. I felt good and I didn't have to think about any of the bad stuff, the stuff that made me hate my life. I was free from it all when I took this, and I could still function; I was a good teacher, a good wife and a good mother. I wasn't a bad person, a junkie. That wasn't me._

 _"You're right." I placed my hands over his. "You just know how worried I get." He looked at me and I could see his eyes, his pupils were as small as a pen tip, much like mine. We were both high and pinned as fuck. But I couldn't even care, I looked away and let the thought go. Things were working, and I was just fine with that._

 _I bent down and picked up 10-month-old Nova as she was crawling for the back door._

 _"I don't think so, young lady." I carried her over to her play-pin and put her down in it. "Abel?!" I yelled through the house. I heard little feet running from the play room. My son turned a corner, wearing nothing but his diaper and a sheriff hat._

 _"Listen here, Sheriff Abel. I need you to watch your little outlaw sister while mommy goes to the bathroom, okay?" He nodded his head and ran over, holding his toy gun up in the air._

 _"Stay, Nova!" he commanded at her like a dog, taking a seat and not letting his eyes leave her._

 _I smiled, rolling my eyes as I walked towards the bathroom. I got in and locked the door behind me, opening the medicine cabinet. I pulled out the little tin on the top shelf, opening it up and grabbing a baggie out. I grabbed my compact mirror, opening it to dump powder onto. I dumped half the bag out, railing the line right up. My face felt like needles for a second, and then went numb. I put the tin back away and sat down on the toilet for a second, letting it sink in. I was so down, my eyes were heavy. After a few seconds I was able to stand up and open my eyes._

 _I got in the cabinet under the sink, searching for a pink box; a pregnancy test. I was been postponing this for about two months now, not wanting to know, just hoping I'd get a period of something. But nothing. It was now or never._

 _I found the tests and ripped it open, taking the cap off. I jumped on the toilet, starting to pee on the stick immediately. I sat it on the sink as I flushed, buttoned my pants and then washed my hands. It felt like I was having a heart attack when I looked back down at the test._

 _It was fucking positive. Not a faint line, either. A dark pink fucking line, loud and proud that it was there. I took a couple deep breaths, threw the test away and then left the bathroom._

 _I couldn't do this._

 _I've been using the entire time, and drugs couldn't be good for the baby._

 _I had to stop._

 _I needed help._

 _I needed Gemma._

 _And I needed to come clean._

 _Fuck._

 _I walked back over to the kids, bending down and picking Nova up, who stuck her tongue out at her brother; brat._

 _"Listen, buddy," I grabbed his hand. "We're gonna go get dressed and then we're gonna take you to go see Gramma, okay?"_

 _"Yeah yeah yeah!" He always loved going to see Gemma, which I was thankful for._

 _I got both of them dressed quick and a bag packed. I hurried over to the garage, chewing gum like crazy cause I wanted a cigarette but refused to smoke in the car with my children. I pulled up to the garage and got them out quick, walking over to the door. Chibbas was sitting on a table, drinking a beer._

 _"Hey, do you think you could watch them for a minute, I need to go talk to Gemma."_

 _Chibbas nodded, taking Nova from me. Abel sat down on the ground, playing with one of his trucks he brought with him. I headed inside to find Gemma. I walked back to the kitchen and she was there, cooking some type of chicken sandwich._

 _"Hey, what're you doing here?" she asked, surprised to see me. I wasn't planning on seeing her for a few days, either._

 _I was so anxious and my chest hurt more than anything. I lit a cigarette, puffing on it hard._

 _"What's wrong?" I was visably upset, great. I sat down in the one of the chairs, ashing my cigarette._

 _"I fucked up, Gem." she came over and sat in the other vacant chair, laying her hand on my leg. She gave me her supportive mother eyes. "After everything happened with those nasty ass wet backs.. I started using a new drug, I don't know. But it's been for quite a few months.. And it's bad. Really bad. I can't function without, I'm deathly ill if I don't have it."_

 _"Are you saying you need help, baby?"_

 _I bit my lip. "I'm pregnant again Gemma. I can't hurt this baby, I won't hurt this baby. I won't let what happened to Abel.." I had to stop for a minute from all my crying. "Gemma, help me."_

 _She just pulled me into a big hug, rubbing my back. I needed my mother here, and Gem was the closest thing I had to that._

 _"We're gonna get you the help you need honey. Don't worry about anything; you just need to call in for work and tell them some personal things came up and you need time off, I'll take care of the rest."_

 _And that's what I did._

 _Gemma was a pro with this kind of shit, with how many years she had spent as part of the club, all the people she had come across. She knew it was bad to stop me cold turkey, so for the first two weeks she stepped me down, helping me loser my dosage until I was back down to a bag every two-three days._

 _Then it was time for real hell. Staying with Gemma and Clay hadn't been all that bad, and Jax was being as supportive as he could be, at least from a distance. I liked to lie to myself and tell myself he wasn't still using, but I was almost positive he was, no matter how much he promised me he quit forever ago._

 _I was so sick and hot and cold and sweaty and shivering and sick and I couldn't even fucking think. I was so fucking sick. Gemma just left me there to suffer, throwing my guts up. She left me Gatorade, that was it. I leaned over the bed and puked into the garbage can she had there for me, blue liquid coming up from the drink._

 _Not only was I sick from the withdraw, I was having crazy sickness from this pregnancy. I wasn't even sure how far along I was, but I was never this sick with Nova, not once._

 _Or, maybe it was just the getting clean._

 _God, why was I so stupid? How could I ever justify using a drug like this, something as bad as heroin. Something that put my son in danger for his life.. I was a fucking idiot._

 _And I was so thankful for this baby, because if I wasn't pregnant I wouldn't be getting clean, I know I wouldn't be. Even though Jax didn't seem so excited, not nearly as happy as he was about Nova, I was so thankful, so happy. I could never put it into words._

 _I felt sweat drip off my forehead, watching it hit the pillow._

 _I groaned, laying my hand on my stomach. "This is for you, and your big brother and sister. I'd go through hell 1000 times for the three of you, always." Most people would have thought I was crazy, but I wasn't. I was talking to my baby boy, growing in me. As much as I thought Nova was a boy, I knew in my heart this baby was a boy; Jax and I were getting our son this time._

 _I fell asleep not long after my thoughts got heavy, it was too much right now._

 _And I slept for 10 hours, until Gemma came and woke me up, checking on me. As soon as I sat up I threw up what was left in my stomach until I was stuck just dry heaving._

 _"Another 48 hours and you'll be fine."_

 _And that's what I told myself to make it through._

 _Those 48 hours were absolute hell but I made it through, and I felt so good. A little weird, but good. I was clean and healthy and alert. I was back to only smoking weed, and it felt great. I felt like I was a better mother, a better wife, a better everything._

 _But Jax was so distant, saying he was just working on so many deals and problems at the studio. He was starting to stay away from home all but maybe 5 hours when he would sleep. He'd come home after I was out and be gone before I got up in the morning with the kids._

 _Once again it felt like my marriage was failing, it was swirling down around me and there was nothing I could do. I was just hoping things were going to get better the further into this pregnancy I got._

 _And 3 months later and nothing had changed. I was 26 weeks pregnant and doing everything on my own, excluding all the help Gemma gave me. She knew her son was acting weird, acting off, and straying from his duties as a husband and father, so she made sure to pick up the slack._

 _I was at the club house with her, it was a beautiful day. We had a little pool filled up outside and Abel and Nova were enjoying it, splashing and playing around. It was going on almost 6 and I was starving. Gemma was making the kids hotdogs and Bubble Guppies macaroni and cheese, like Abel requested. Not exactly what myself and the baby wanted._

 _"Hey, I'm gonna go pick up food and run dinner out to Jax, closest thing we'll have had to a family dinner in.. I don't know." Gemma looked at my with sad eyes, knowing my feelings all too well. I heard and retained all the stories she constantly told me of when John was so into the club it devoured him; I didn't want Jax to suffer than same horrible fate, I couldn't live with it if he did._

 _I bent down with a towel, picking Nova up out of the pool. Abel grabbed his Avengers towel off the bench, wrapping himself up._

 _"Let's go inside and get real clothes on so you guys can eat with Gramma."_

 _"You eat too?" Abel asked me._

 _I shooked my head. "No, buddy. Momma has to go see daddy for a little bit so maybe he can come back and spend the night with us. Would you like that?"_

 _He smiled big, nodding his head up and down as fast as his little neck could go.I chuckled, calming him down._

 _"Okay. Me, you, daddy, Nova, and we can watch that movie you wanted to see? The Good Dinosaur?"_

 _He let out an excited sound and then paused. "And also brudder." he brushed his hand against my stomach. God, I loved my children so fucking much and as crazy as things seemed right now I couldn't wait to bring this new child into the world._

 _I got the kids dressed and sat down with their food, kissing them both and Gemma goodbye, going to pick up the food I ordered._

 _I was hoping Jax would listen to me and come back with me so we could have a family night. WIshful thinking._

Honestly I'm an emotional wreck writing this and starting to write my next post. This is so hard.

But I want to thank all of you, just for reading, for listening.

This blog has really helped me, in more ways than you'll ever understand.

Until next time,

Much love,

Logan Henderson-Teller


	15. Chapter 14

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 014**

 **The very worst day of my entire fucking life**

I think the title speaks for itself.

 _I picked up our food and headed over to the studio, seeing Tigg outside smoking a cigarette. He looked_ _ **VERY**_ _surprised to see me._

 _"Hey, TIggy." I greeted him with a smile, bags of food in my hand._

 _"Hey prego, what're you doing here?"_

 _"Just bringing Jax some dinner, letting him know that our son is requesting a movie date tonight."_

 _He nodded, butting his cigarette out._

 _"I, uh, I don't even think Jax is here." I looked right over his shoulder at my husbands bike, raising an eye brow at Tigg._

 _"Is that so?" I crossed my arms as best I could while carrying food, and cocked my hip to the side. "Why's his bike here?"_

 _Tigg spun around, thinking of something to say. "Oh uh, uhm, erm, maybe he it still here. I dunno, thought he left." And he walked away, turning a corner of the building as quick as he could._

 _I was suspicous._

 _When I got inside a few of the boys looked at me, not saying much. I saw Opie, who was hiding in a corner, acting like he didn't see me._

 _"Hello?" I sounded sassy, but why was everyone acting so fucking weird? Opie looked at me, pretending to be surprised. "Where's Jax?" He tried not to look at me, but I took that as his answer. I stormed out of that room and down the hallway to his office. At first I thought it was from a shoot on one of the stage rooms, until I got to his office door; the sounds were coming from there. The door was locked, but it was just a simple turn latch. I hukled out and broke the lock, pushing the door open. And I ever expected to see what I did that moment._

 _My husband, butt-ass naked, balls deep in some redhead slut bent over his desk._

 _"Who the fuck are you? GET OUT!" she yelled at me. I felt the fire light in my eyes and I launched myself forward, grabbing her by the hair, forcing her and my soon-to-be ex-husband off of each other. I had the tightest grip on the back of her head with one hand, while my other hand had ahold of the front of her neck as she struggled._

 _"Who the fuck am I?" I slapped her across the fucking face. "Who. The. Fuck. Am. I?!" I slapped her again, making her lip bleed. I looked her dead in the face, seeing a few tears in her eyes, but mostly just anger. "I'm his fucking wife you cheap fucking cunt. The mother of his fucking children, unlike you, some fucking cum dumpster." And I hit her again. I dragged her all the way out of the office, Jax behind, getting his pants pulled up._

 _"Logan!" he yelled. "Let go of her!" he tried to grab one of my arms but I yanked away and tightened my grip on the sluts hair._

 _"Don't you fucking touch me you worthless piece of fucking shit!" I screamed. The entire studio fell silent, just watching my pregnant ass dragging this girl out. I got to the door and used her head to push it open, letting her weight carry her out into the parking lot._

 _"Get the fuck out of her, now!" I screamed at her. She tried to covered her body best she could, turning a corner into one of the tents next to the studio. I let the door slam and turned around to face my husband, who's pupils were so small I could barely see them._

 _I lost it, my mouth popped off, pushing and shoving him with every word I yelled._

 _"You fucking liar! You piece of shit fucking liar! I've been working my ass off, being a fucking mother to OUR children!" I shoved him against a wall, finally getting up in his face. "Getting clean for this fucking child you put in me! And you? Still high as fuck, fucking porn sluts!" I slapped him across his smug face. He tried to grab my wrist and I spit in his face. "Don't."_

 _And I stormed off, getting in my car and spinning my tires as I pulled out._

 _And maybe this was our thing, because it seems to be a pattern. Jax had a monumental fuck up, and our children decide they went to enter the world._

 _The pain were so sharp and quick I had to stop driving. I pulled over to call Gemma, who was only at the garage, a short 10 minutes away from me. I didn't feel like explaining anything right now, I just needed to get to the hospital._

 _She was 10 minutes away from me, and we made it to St. Thomas in about 3. We were both worried, and so were the hospital staff; they took me back right away._

 _Everything was fast;_

 _They took me back._

 _Ran tests for about an hour._

 _Attempted to stop my pre-term labor._

 _Failed._

 _Took me back for an emergency c-section._

 _I was out._

 _I woke up groggy in recovery, by myself. I wasn't in step-down yet, I couldn't have anyone back to see me. The nurse who was there told me I lost a lot of blood but was fine and that a doctor would be in to talk to me. I kept asking about the baby but she said she didn't know so she could't tell me anything._

 _A little while later the same doctor who delivered Nova came in, sitting down next to my bed._

 _"How do you feel?" she asked. I shrugged._

 _"Groggy. How's the baby?"_

 _She took a breath. "You and the baby were both under a lot of stress when we took you back, and the stress caused a lot of issues.." And I didn't even need to hear her speak to know what she was going to say. "It's a little boy." she handed me a few pieces of paper work. "1lb, 12oz, 15.5 inches. He was born at 9:32 and he passed away at 9:44. Logan, I'm so sorry. We tried everything we could." She tired to console me but I just felt like an empty shell of a person, a dark hole. "If you'd like you can hold him, and name him." I nodded. I wanted to see him and name him. It was only right. "We'll bring him in to you in a few minutes and then we're gonna get you to a maternity room. Your mother-in-law is still here waiting, once we get you moved we'll send her back to see you." Against my better judgement I just nodded. I didn't have any words left in me._

 _I was so upset I couldn't even cry. This wasn't something I never thought I'd have to go through, not ever._

 _I waited in that bed, numb. I was cold and sad and broken. I lost my baby boy, my sweet son. The sweet little boy I had wanted for so long. I sat there, letting my dark thoughts consume me. This was all my fault._

 _No._

 _This was Jaxs fault, all of this. Maybe this was my life turning point where I could realize that I was so stupid, so naive. I was so stupidly in love with Jaxon and let all these terrible shit things happen, just going with the flow. This was all bullshit._

 _"Mrs. Teller?" I looked over to a nurse who was carrying a small blue blanket. My tears finally came out, a few flowing down my cheek. She walked closer to me, handing over the small blanket with my son, my little boy who wasn't here anymore. "I'll give you a few minutes." I nodded and she left._

 _I looked down in the blanket at this little person. God, he was so little. His skin was a purple/red color, and almost completely transparent. He was so lifeless, so... Dead. He was dead. I lost it, clutching his tiny body close to mine as I cried like a child, snot and tears coming out hard and fast. I wanted him here with me, and it wasn't fair. I couldn't save him, I could't help him. There was nothing I could do.. I had lost something that I loved more than anything in the world._

 _The nurse let me sit with him for about 15 minutes before she came back and asked if I wanted more time. I told her I didn't. I filled out papers to have him cremated; a funeral was just going to be too much. I couldn't handle it, and I didn't think Abel or Nova should have to deal with that. I would have him cremated and could keep his ashs always._

 _Since I had a c-section I had to stay for a few days to make just everything was okay, especially since I had lost so much blood. Gemma came back to see me a little while after they had taken my son back, and she didn't say anything. Just same over and sat next to me in the bed, holding me and letting me cry._

 _It was almost 20 minutes until she said something._

 _"I've never hated my son, but I do now. I know this pain, I know what it's like to a lose a son, Logan. This is the worst pain you will ever feel, and it's so hard right now. I'm sorry," she started to cry, too. "I'm sorry I let my son become this evil monster, and let this fucking club destroy my family. I'm so sorry, beautiful girl."_

 _I didn't know what to say, so I just hugged her tighter, the best I could. I was so sore from the staples in my stomach. We laid there all night, crying and her holding me tight, assuring me it would be alright. Everything would work out._

 _We both tried to get ahold of Jax, but everyones phones were off or they weren't answering; of course. I didn't care. I was done this time, beyond done. I couldn't and wouldn't do this anymore. We were getting a divorce, and I was leaving. Fuck him, his club, this town; fuck all of it._

 _I. Was. Done._

 _It was around 9am. I didn't eat breakfast, I had no appetite. Gemma left to go home and see if you could find out why the fuck no one would get ahold of us._

 _And just like always, my perfect fucking husband and his great timing, strolled into my room a short 20 minutes after his mother had left. I had no words for him. He came in and closed the door._

 _"I'm so sorry, Logan. We were out on a trade and then got back around 6. Clay woke me u as soon as his phone turned was on. I can't believe I missed the birth of our child.. Logan I'm so fucking sorry. For everything. Are you okay? How's the baby?"_

 _I wasn't even listening to half the shit spewing from his mouth, I didn't give a fuck about anything he had to say to me; piece of shit._

 _"Thomas Nathaniel Teller."_

 _"What?" he didn't seem to understand. I finally turned over to look at him trying to keep my tears at bay._

 _"Thomas. Nathaniel. Teller. 1lb 12oz, 15.5 inches long." And I started crying a bit, letting a few tears roll out slow._

 _"A son?" he looked so happy. "He's so little. Is he okay, Logan?"_

 _I bit my bottom trembling lip. "He's dead, Jax."_

 _And I watched my husbands world fall apart right in front of me. I had never seen him so emotional. His face and ears were bright red, and he started breathing heavy. I watched him stand out and walk a few laps around the room until he drove his fist into one of the concrete walls a few times. He grunted at himself, kicking a chair and then a stand, punching the wall again. He was losing it._

 _"Stop it." I told him. He kept going kicking and punching, his knuckles starting to bleed. "Jaxon, stop it!" I screamed at him. He turned around, tears flying from his eyes. "Come here." I told him. He calmed down and walked over to me, reaching for my hand. I gave him a half smile._

 _And then I handed him my wedding and engagment ring, still smiling._

 _"I want a divorce. You're fucking dead to me, you piece of shit." I was calm as could be telling him all this. "You can see the kids, they'll be allowed to stay with your mom. But us? We're fucking done. I'm fucking done with you. Get out."_

 _And he just stood there._

 _"Jaxon, get the fuck OUT OF MY ROOM!" I started screaming at the top of my lungs and a nurse came running, a little taken back by what was happening. Jax just cried leaving the room. He walked out of that room, just like I was making him walk out of my life._

And I think you're mostly caught up. I'll fill you in a little bit more in my next post or two, but you'll be getting current posts soon.

God.. I missed my little boy. I missed him so fucking much.

And I wanted to change that very much but I couldn't. I couldn't change that my son died, but I also couldn't change the hate I held for Jaxon in my heart. TIme has passed and I've learned to let go, but.. It was still his fault. If he wouldn't have fucked that slut.. I wouldn't have lost Thomas.

But it was in the past, and that's where it was staying. Time went forward, not backward.

Time to skip forward three years; current time, the fun shit.

Ha.

Next time I'll keep you ALL caught up. Completely caught up.

Signing off,

Logan Henderson-Teller

 **A/N- Hey guys, I'm not usually one to do this but I would really appreciate some reviews. If you liked it, hated it, anything. REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW! It helps motivate me and keep me going. I really wanna get this story wrapped up not too long from now so I can start on the second part. I've chosen the winner of the character submit and they have been notified. While your character won't be part of this story, it will be part of the sequal! Again thank you guys so so much. Reviews! Love you all!**


	16. Chapter 15

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 015**

 **Today**

As promised, I'm gonna catch you guys up real quick and then we'll go real time, letting you know how my everydays were going.

But let's catch up..

We lost Thomas, and nothing was the same after that. While I filed for divorce, Jax kept declining. Which is why now, almost 3 years later, we're finally in the last stages and things can be official.

He went to rehab not too long after; I told him he couldn't see the kids if he didn't get sober. He got clean and hasn't touched much of anything since. He started acting like the old Jax again.

I moved out and into my parents old place.

My dad passed away about three months after we lost Thomas, and my mom decided to stay out East, she liked it more. I was so thankful she gave me the house, it helped so much. I didn't make very much being a teacher, but enough to get by with it and the little bit of money Jax gave me for the kids when I needed it.

Speaking of..

Jax and I did have a few hook ups after we lost Thomas; as much as we tried to stay away from each other, we were sexual soul mates and couldn't.

And that's how we ended up with our fourth child, another beautiful babygirl. I let Jax be there, but only for our daughter. We never tried to make our relationship work again, he's even dated a girl or two in the past few years. None of them worked out, but he was moved on.

I hadn't dated anyone, but that was a personal choice. I was too busy with work and three kids.

So present day?

My sweet Abel is almost 7.

Nova has grown into a 5-year-old full of personality to match her dark thick curls.

And my littlest? Oh, sweet baby Alexis Jade, we called her Jade, was the smartest 3-year-old I knew.

My children were perfect.

My life? Not so much.

But let's catch up in real time..

It was Monday, the most hectic day of the week in our house. My day started at 5 in the morning, getting up to shower and get dressed for the day. The high for the day was 66, which was perfect boot and cartigan weather.

After I was ready I headed out to the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee and get breakfast started for the kiddos. Abel and Nova would be having waffles and peaches, and Jade was going to eat her oatmeal and some peaches. She wasn't a big fan of waffles or pancakes; weird little girl.

I got everything put into Abel and Nova's back packs for the day and got Jade's bag ready for her to go spend the day with Gemma. Although Jax and I didn't get along too well, I spent a lot of my freetime with Gemma; the kids loved hanging out there and she loved seeing all of us. No matter how much I hated her son, I loved her to death.

After breakfast was ready and on the table, I went back to wake up the monsters. I started with Nova, because she was like her mother; hard to wake up in the mornings and the crankiest monster of all.

"Nova Rae," I turned her light on and heard a grunt.

"Mommy, noooooooo!" she whined. I sighed, walking over and grabbing her blanket. She sat up and looked at me with the meanest blue eyes, the curlers in her hair pointing up like little satanic horns. Ah, the 5-year-old death stare, my favorite.

"First wake up," I told her, grabbing the clothes I laid out off of her dresser. "I'm gonna wake brother and sissy up, but then you have to get out of bed." She grunted again and slammed back into her pillow. God, I was in trouble in about 10 more years.

I went to Abel's room next and flicked his light on.

"Good morning, mommy." he greeted me with sleepy little eyes. He was a spitting image of his father, and I hated it. I loved it, but I hated it.

"Good morning my sweet prince." Like every morning he gave me a big hug and kiss before hopping out of bed and running straight for his breakfast; such a boy. I grabbed his clothes also and then exited, heading back for my third and final child.

Me turning her light on hadn't done anything, so I walked over and sat on her toddler bed, rubbing her bed. She sat up and rubbed her eyes, giving me a smile.

"I'm hungry." Were her first words. I giggled and helped her out of bed. I felt her pull-up and it was dry. "I pee first." Her second sentence to me. She waddled off to the bathroom, scratching her tangled curly blonde hair. I grabbed her bag and her clothes, heading out to the kitchen. I peaked into Novas room and saw she wasn't in there; Abel must have grabbed her on his way through.

"No, Abel!" I heard her yell. "That was my butter!" Oh lord, the first argument of the day was over butter. It was going to be a wonderful Monday.

I headed out, a waddling three-year-old behind me. I got Jade up into her booster seat and she started eating her oatmeal and peaches.

While the kids ate I pulled the curlers out of Novas hair and got it all fluffed out; if I didn't know any better I'd say she was half black cause of her hair. It was so beautiful and long though. I loved it; she hated it. But as long as I didn't touch it with a brush, she stayed happy. That's why Gemma thought of the curlers.

After I got those all out I went over and used my hands to work out Jades curls; her hair wasn't nearly as long as Novas so they were easy to deal with for now, and she wasn't very fussy over me touching them.

It was going on 6:30 when I got them all dressed, teeth brushed and ready for the day. I grabbed the last few things I needed for the day and we were out the door. I was really thankful for the hair day I was having. I was too lazy to do anything so I went for a messy bun and it turned out perfect.

I stopped at T&M first like usual, getting Jade out of her car seat.

"Stay here." I told Abel who was ready to jump out of his seat. "We can stop by after school, okay?" He nodded, a little smile lining his face. He loved hanging out here; He was Jaxs son, no doubt about that. I walked into the club house, Jade on my hip. My stomach dropped when I saw Jax sitting at the bar with his shirt off, eating some type of eggs.

"Daddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!" Jade yelled, trying to jump off of me. I sat her down and she ran over to him. He smiled big and bent down to pick her up. He smiled even bigger, hugging her tight.

"How's my princess?" he asked.

"Good! I had peach for breakfast!" she told him. He laughed at her broken vocabulary and then looked over to me.

"Well I gotta get going. I love you, Jadey. Mommy will see you later, okay?" She could care less giving me a little wave and then going back to loving up on her daddy. I let out a frustrated breath as I headed back to the car.

Abel and Nova bickered in the back seat, my spit-fire oldest daughter shutting down and winning every argument her older brother had. I pulled up to the Elementary school and walked them into the office.

"Morning, Kathy." I greeted the secretary. She smiled her big fake-white smiled, happy as could be. The kids were always 15 minutes early being dropped off, but Kathy didn't mind watching them until then. She was always so great.

I bent down eye-level with my children. "I love you guys. Be good today, and Nova," she rolled her eyes at me. "No fighing on the play ground. Abel, good luck on your spelling test. I'll see you guys after school today and then maybe we can go to the garage and you can hang out with daddy and Uncle Opie?" They both seemed so excited; I had to follow through with it now.

I got to work just in time to get to my class room before homeroom started. I got my computer turned on and logged in and my things laid out when students flooded in. My hectic Monday was about to begin.

My day was boring and quick, which was an odd mix of things. I didn't stick around long after school let out; I hurried up to the elementary school to pick up my two little sweeties.

My two sweeties who were yelling at each other over the color of a green crayon. I hushed them up and got them in the car.

"How were your days, guys?" I asked them as I drove towards the garage.

"I got all them right on my spellings test. And we started a story about jeans that got made into a shirt and then a scarf and then a nose rag thing and then a button." Oh boy. What an interesting day.

"Yeah? Well I yelled at a boy in my class who said I was a scaredy cat." God, to be that young again. They went back and forth with each other about who had the better more eventful day. I never thought I'd want to be pulling up to the garage, but I did.

"Look!" Nova pointed out the window. "It's daddy!" As soon as I got the car stopped Abel was out of his seat and helping Nova out of hers. I opened their doors and they shot across the parking lot, yelling for their dad. Jax spun around, bending down and picking them both up in a big hug.

It made me sad. I wished they could have the great life they deserved, with two parents who were together and loved each other, but we couldn't give them that with the crazy lives Jax and I both lived. I looked over to Jade who was playing with her dolls, Gemma watching her and carrying on a little conversation. I walked over to them.

"Hey, sweetie!" Gemma gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She offered me a beer and I accepted. "How was your day?" We sat down on the picnic table, watching Jade play. I lit a cigarette.

"It was alright, boring. Abel and Nova had a more interesting day than I did." I laughed. It seemed to be the truth. "They were so excited to see Jax. It's been, what, two weeks?"

Gemma shrugged. "Something like that. It's his own fault. He knows where they are, and he knows your phone number." She wasn't wrong, it was the truth. He could call me whenever and could come see them or spend time with them, but he never did. But I also blamed myself for that. Maybe he hated having to conversate and get along with me as much as I did with him. Well, that wasn't the truth. I didn't hate it. I hated that I didn't hate it.

See, Jax did this crazy thing, like a ling graph that constantly goes up and down. He goes from this great person to this piece of shit, and then when I've had enough, he just stops. He stops being this worthless person and turns into a grown ass man who is everything I ever wanted. God damn him.

"Abel told me the other day he wanted his mom and dad to have dinner with him, ya know." And over ten years of knowing her and this life and her knowing all the events that had happened she still wanted us together. She still want her son and I to end up happily ever after, the way all of us had pictured; but that wasn't the case.

Abel and Nova came running over, nearly tripping from going so fast. Nova even stumbled and used her little sisters head to balance.

"Hey!" Jade yelled, her bright green eyes staring down her sisters blue ones. "Not okay." she rubbed her head. I chuckled.

"Momma!" Abel and Nova yelled at me back and forth.

"Hey, calm down. What's up?" They took a second to decide who should talk, but Abel finally started to speak.

"Mommy, can we please go with daddy to get ice cream?"

"Please, please, pleaaaase." Nova jumped up and down. Jade got herself up and standing, coming over to tap on my leather boots.

"Moooooom, pwease?!" She begged. I was defensless, all three of them were ganging up on me.

"Of course you can go get ice cream with daddy." I told them. "But it has to be after dinner." They all thre gave me pouty faces and mumbles and grunts, begging me to change your mind.

" Hey!" His voice struck like thunder, hitting my body. 1000 snakes made of satin, smelling like leather and musk, making their way up my spine. I had a cold chill, my body becoming covered in goosebumps. I looked over and saw Jax walking towards us, slipping a t-shirt over his chizzled and shining body. "Your mum said after dinner, so I'll come get you guys after you've eaten dinner." And they straightened up, being quiet and accepting what I had told them. Of course if Jax said it, it was so.

"That being said, how about we go through the drive-through for some happy meals?" Not the best choice, but I didn't feel like cooking tonight, either. I was gonna go home, smoke a bong, and eat a cup of the Italian ice I bought a few days ago. Mm, yeah.

I left the kids there and went to McDonalds, getting them their usual meals; Abel got the 6-piece chicken nugget, Nova got a cheese burger and Jade got a 4-piece nugget. Simple kids, really. I got myself and iced coffee, enjoying every sip on my way back there.

"Dinner!" Abel yelled as I pulled up. I got their meals over to them and got them all set up at the picnic table, where they sat and conversated with themselves. I walked over to Jax while I smoked a cigarette.

"Hey," I looked at the ground as I spoke to him. "I'm gonna head home and get things cleaned up and ready for tomorrow. You can just drop them off when you're done getting ice cream, does that sound okay?"

"Yeah, that sounds perfect." His tone was much more chipper and happy than mine was. " I'll see you later?"

Instead of answering I just walked off, going to tell the kids bye. "Be careful!" He yelled to me.

I gave my babies kisses and told Gemma bye, and then headed home.

I got home and got to work, doing up the dishes and started the load of laundry I had from the day. I got into the kids rooms and picked their clothes out for tomorrow. I checked their back packs and neither of them had anything written in their planners. I sent Jax a text saying if he wanted to keep them a little later, he could; they just needed to be home by 8:30 for baths and bed.

After all of the major things were done I got changed into pajamas; an old SAMCRO t-shirt and a pair of purple SOFFEE shorts. I let my hair down, and it fell half way down my back, full of big curls. I went back into my bedroom and got my bong out from behind my night stand. I grabbed the baggie of weed from my drawer and headed into the living room. I sat indian style on the couch, the bong rested between my legs as I packed I.

God, it felt so good to smoke. I only really smoked before bed anymore; I just didn't have the time. I always had the kids around, and by the time they were in bed I didn't have much energy to stay awake much later than them.

I relaxed on the couch, smoking two nice bong packs. I had such a good head high. I put my bong and weed back away and grabbed my cigarettes out of my purse, slipping on my slippers and heading to the back porch. I sat in one of my wooden chairs, propping my feet up on the porch railing. I breathed in the Earthy scents and let the air sweep across my face.

I was relaxed and was at peace with most of the things going on right now. My divorce only had a little while longer to go before it was final and Jax and I no longer had to deal with any of it. We had done good with this mediation thing the past couple of years, so a custody battle wasn't needed. Whenever he wanted to see them, he called or knew where they were. Nothing crazy had happened with the club in a long while, so I wasn't concerned about their safety either.

I finished my cigarette and put it out in my ashtray. I headed back in, locking the porch door behind me. I sprayed Febreeze all around the house to ensure it didn't smell like weed when the kids got back home. I went to the freezer and got out a cup of Italian Ice, just like I predicted earlier. I stood in the kitchen and ate it, tossing the spoon in the sink when I was finished and the cup in the trash.

I went into the bathroom and took my contacts out and washed my make-up off. I didn't have any blemishes, but my cheeks were always so red and I hated that. I put my glasses on and left the room, turning the light off.

As always with his perfect timing, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to greet Jax holding a sleeping Jade and Abel and Nova standing on both sides of him.

"Hey, sorry. I tried to keep her up cause I know she needs a bath." He walked in and I shut the door behind him.

"No, it's fine. Your mom can give her a bath tomorrow when I drop her off." It was best that she just stayed awake. "Abel, why don't you go get ready to take a bath?"

"Mommy, can daddy stay for bedtime, please?!" And him and Nova started their begging again. For fear of waking up Jade I quickly agreed, and Jax seemed happy with it.

Abel went and got ready for his bath and I took Nova back to my bathroom for hers. I got them both dried off and into pajamas for the night.

"Momma can we please lay in your bed and sleep? Daddy can tell us a story time." I smiled and caved again. I let them go back and hop into my king size bed. While Jax read to them I got the bathrooms cleaned up from my water babes bathing. I was tossing towels and clothes into the washer when Jax came up and startled me.

"Hey," I jumped, spinning around. "Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." He shoved his hands in his pockets. "Well, uh, the kids are asleep. I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna head out." He turned around, heading for the door.

And I did something I hadn't in a very long time. "Wait," I told him. "Do, uh, do you wanna stay and smoke a blunt?"

And he accepted. I quietly went into my bedroom, grabbing my weed and a pack of wraps out of my night stand. The kids were out like a light, cuddling each other. I watched Abel breath over Novas head, making her curles sway. So cute.

I made it back out into the living room and found Jax making himself at home. He had his shoes and kutte off, sitting on the couch with his leg propped up on his other leg, comfortable as can be.

"Well look at you acting like you live here." I laughed, sitting at the kitche table to roll.

He jumped up. "I'm sorry, I-"

"Chill," I dumped my weed out on the table. "It was a joke." He walked out to the kitche and took a seat across from me as I rolled. "When did you become this apologetic softy?"

He chuckled. "I'm not. I'm just not trying to piss of the woman who can say when I can and can not see my children."

"But you know I'd never do that." I shot back at him, peaking over the rim of my glasses. He laughed again.

"But it's also never hurt to be on your sweet side." I smirked, because he wasn't wrong at all. I was easier to deal with when you were on my good side, and that's not exactly a place Jaxon was recently. I finishing rolling the blunt and we got up, going out to the garage to smoke.

We sat down in the two fold out chairs I put out there. I lit the blunt and walked over to me mini fridge, grabbing a beer. I offered him one and he accepted. I came back over and handed him the blunt and his beer. I cracked mine open and sipped it. Ro relaxing.

We sat silent for a few hits, but he finally spoke up.

"How's work been going? You, uh, you like the kids you have this year?" I loved when he tried to make small talk, cause he sucked at it.

"They aren't bigger assholes than any other year, if that's what you mean." I laughed, taking too big of a hit from the blunt and losing my shit, coughing my head off. It errupted a big laugh from Jax and I hit him soft in the chest. He just laughed harder. "I hate you!" I told him once I caught my breath.

"Yeah," he took a drink of his beer. "But you didn't always hate me." He took another drink. "You remember your senior year when we helped you with your prank? God, so many fucking feathers."

"So many fucking chickens." I busted out laughing. We spent the remained of the blunt and our beers talking about old memories from high school; the good times.

I walked him out of the exiting garage door to his car.

"So," he got in and started it up and lit a cigarette. He lit a second one off of his and handed it to me. "We're having a cookout Saturday at mom and Clays place, I didn't know if she told you. Club thing, you know. But, uh, I think you and the kids should come."

I thought for a second, but a very short second. "Of course. That sounds great."

"Have a good week."

And he left.

Fuck.

So I had a really good night with my ex-husband. I wasn't sure what to think about it, but the kids were happy and we weren't hating each other.

Who says exs can't be friends?

Pffft.

FUCK.

Next time,

Logan


	17. Chapter 16

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 016**

 **Tomorrow**

Where did we leave off?

Oh, that's right. My ex-husband and I getting along again.

Right.

My work week went by rather fast, it was a test week. Friday drug though. I stared at that clock for what felt like years even though it was only the last ten minutes of my day. As soon as the bell rang and my students left, I followed behind, rushing down to my car. I hurried up to the elementary school and got the kids out early. I promised them they could stay at Grammas tonight for the cookout tomorrow.

I hurried and got home, got the kids a snack, changed my clothes, and packed their bags for the weekend.

"Can we go noooooowwwwww!?" Nova questioned me, impatient as always. I rolled my eyes, grabbing my purse.

"Yes, Nova Rae my princess. Let's go!" And the tiny Satans were out the door and getting in the car.

I got them to Gemmas and dropped them off, taking no time to get out of there. They wanted me gone and were excited to spend time with Gramma, cause her house was the very best. I left there, heading to Silvers Pub to sit down and have a few drinks, figuring out what I wanted to do with my night; it was only 5.

I fiddled around with my phone for a while, tossing back a few whiskey sours and smoking a couple cigarettes. I decided to just head home for a while and smoke, try to find something I could do.

I sat around and basically twirled my thumbs around, smoking bong after bong. No one I got ahold of got back to me, so I texted the last person I knew I could get ahold of; Jaxon.

He called me about a minute after I had sent my text.

"Hey, what's up?" _Just finished up with work, running home to shower. Everything okay? "_ Yeah, no! Everythings fine. I, uh, I was just bored; the kids wanted to go stay at your moms tonight. Seeeing what you were up to." I heard him chuckle. _I'm not doing anything. Wanna do something?_ "Uh, yeah. Just come over after you're done with showering and stuff." _Alright, sounds good. See ya soon._

It was against my better judgment, but we had so many memories, so much past. Jax had been part of my life for 14 years, that's a long time. He was the father of my children, the person I married and loved more than anything in the world at one point. He was my.. One. It was hard to let that go. We had a good time the other night, I didn't see why we couldn't make this work as friends, it would be good for the kids to see us around each other and getting along.

Jax was knocking at my door within the hour, and I answered, maybe a little to excitedly.

"Hey!" he greeted, walking through the door. God, no matter how many times I smelled it I still loved his cologne more than anything in the world; so good. "Smells dank in here." he chuckled out. He pulled a joint out of his cigarette pack, lighting it up. He snapped his zippo shut and the sound sent a shiver up my spine.

I walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, him taking a seat next to me. He passed me the joint and I hit it, showing off my blowing smoke rings inside of each other, and then sucking them back up.

"Always a show off." he commented. I play punched his shoulder and then handed it back to him. "So," he hit it. "What did you have in mind for tonight?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe we could get a few drinks or something. Smoke. I don't know, I'm boring."

And like always, when I bashed myself he would turn it around and make sure I didn't think that low about myself.

"You are not boring. You're one of the most interesting, exciting and badass women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing." I just rolled my eyes at him. "But I think that's a good idea. A few drinks and some smoke, always a typical night for us it seems." I could feel my cheeks turning red at his comments, but I ignored them and my own blushing. I stood up, walking over and grabbing my purse.

"Well, then let's get going. Where do you wanna drink?"

"We can decide in the car."

I wanted to take my own vehicle, but he talked me out of it. On the drive into town we decided that the club house was cost efficient for both of us, and safer for him. That last thing we needed was trouble.

It was busy, all of the Harleys parked out in front and a few random cars. We got out and headed inside, everyone greeting Jax, but surprised to see me coming in behind him.

"Well just what do we have here?!" LIke always, Chibs and Bobby came over to bust my balls. "Lookie lookie what the Jacky drug in!" Chibs wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to give me a noogie. I pushed him off, laughing, but pissed.

"Ya know what, one day you're gonna get yours, old man." I told him, making my way over to the bar. They waved their hands at me and grunted, thinking I was joking.

I took a seat next to Jax who already had a drink ordered for me. We both lit cigarettes and took a few swigs of our drinks before we started conversating. I struck it up when I saw his hands.

"Your knuckles are busted." I commented. He looked down at his hand, spreading it wide. "Had some work today then, huh?" He chuckled and sipped his drink.

"I have work everyday. Just dealing with some usual stuff, ya know." And I did, I didn't need the details.

We sat and talked about nothing, really. Just little stuff, nothing too crazy. But man I was getting a buzz. These drinks were going down like water, and by the way the night was going I was getting drunk as hell.

Update; I did.

I could barely walk a straight line when we left the club house to head back to my place. We joked and sang to the radio and laughed the entire way back, chain smoking cigarettes. I fumbled to unlock my door but finally got it, hurrying in and slamming it behind us. I skipped back to my bedroom, grabbing my bong and my weed. I kicked my shoes off back there and walked back out, finding Jax rolling a joint at my table.

"Great minds," I hiccuped. "Think alike." And he laughed. I sat down at the table across from him and packed the bong up, hitting it and then passing it.

He looked at me, just staring.

"What?" I questioned, hitting the bong again. I sat it on the table, coughing a little bit as I exhaled all the smoke.

He paused for a second, turning one of his SONS rings around on his finger.

"Do you love me?"

I froze.

...What?

What kind of question was that?

"Jax, I don't think-"

"It's a yes or no question, Logan."

I thought for a second. And then, for the first time in a long time, I let myself tell the truth.

"I'm not sure it's a yes or no answer. It's not that simple Jax."

He sighed, leaning back in the chair. HIs eyes and face were upset, I could tell he was upset.

I let my emotions get the best of me, I couldn't help it.

"Do you think this has been easy for me?" His eyes met mine and I pierced him with every emotion I could. "Any of this?! It hasn't been easy, Jaxon. It hasn't." I told him seriously.

And I let everything that had been building up inside of me the last 5 years out in raw honesty for once in my life.

"Do you think the drug deals, the guns runs, the murders, have been easy? Do you think me losing my best friend to the club my soul mate is part of was easy? Do you think me being addicted to drugs was easy? Do you think me watching you cheat was easy? You getting arrested? The sleepless nights that I was by myself? The rape? Losing our fucking son?!" I was hurting him, and I felt bad because that was not my intention. "All the nights that Abel asks if you can come over and stay, or if you can come for dinner? When Nova wants you to read her a story? When she has a tummy ache and mommy isn't good enough? When the only person who can cure Jade's irrational fear of most everything, is you, who isn't here?" I was crying a little bit, but stopped that quick.

He just sat there, taken back for a second. He smoked on the joint and then handed it to me. He leaned over the table, clasping his hands together.

"Logan, I'm sorry that you being with me has turned your life into.. Into chaos. I'm sorry that this place is such poison for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't be husband or father of the fucking year. I'm sorry I've been such a piece of shit since you've come back to this shithole. I'm sorry that-"

"Stop." I cut him off. "You've never been perfect, Jax. But I've never been perfect, either. Don't blame yourself for everything that happened, because it all honestly wasn't your fault. Things just happen, life just happens. Shit fucking happens." And I made sure he knew that, because I couldn't blame him for everything like this, things just happen that are out of our control.

I stood up, walking into my living room, pacing for a second. My head was fuzzy, too fuzzy.

"Yes."

"Yes what?" He looked at me like I was stupid.

"I do love you. But this..Is too much. It's all too fucking much. We have been poison for each other since the first day of this."

He got up and walked over to me getting close. He looked at me deep and then grabbed my face soft with his big hands.

"No." he paused for a second, looking away and then locking eyes with me again. "Only one of us is the poison, that's me. You?" he smiled at me, his eyes lighting up like a bright blue fire. "You're the antidote, the cure." And I melted into a puddle. I stood on my tip toes and brought our faces closer together. It was still, our noses pressing against one another, just staring into his eyes and him into mine. And then, he made the inch move to change everything. Our lips crashed together and it was over.

I was making a mistake.

No I wasn't.

Yes I was.

No I fucking wasn't.

Not at all.

Yes I was.

Damn it.

Jax carried me back to my bedroom and laid me down, climbing on top of me and never breaking our kiss. God, I wanted him.

We kissed and undress each other, piece of piece, until we were both left in our underwear.

"Can I have you?" He asked between placing kissed on my neck.

I moaned. "God, yes. Take me, have me. Fuck me." I was talking like some dirty sex beast that even I didn't know. Jax bit his lip and then rolled me over, slapping my ass once he did. I backed up, perking my ass in the air for him. He slapped it again.

I felt his cock press against my small wet entrance from the back and it made me whimper a bit. I hadn't had sex in over a year. This wasn't going to feel great at first, but after a while.. Oh, God yes it was.

"Fuck me." I begged him. His response was to smash my face into the pillow and pull my hair, making me moan louder. He leaned down close to my ear, lining his cock up with my hole.

"Do you want me to fuck you?" he whispered in my ear. I bit my lip so hard.

"Yes." I told him. "Yesss." I begged. "Jaxon, please fuck me."

And he did.

I caught my breath when he drove into me, wincing with pain. He noticed cause he took it easy after that for a little while, until my moans and rhythm matched and caught up with his. Soon the entire bed was shaking, my hips were grinding, my hair was tangled through his fingers held by a strong fist.

He fucked me hard and fast, until I had motion sickness. I came and then finally he pulled out and came all over my back, hot liquid hitting my skin. After he tossed me a towel and we both cleaned off we crawled into my bed, butt naked.

"We shouldn't do this." I told him. He grabbed my hand and interlocked our fingers, slipping his over arm under me and pulling me close to him.

"But I need to do this. I need you." he got emotional for a second, which wasn't something he did very often. "I need you and the kids really bad right now, Logan. There's nothing good in my life but the four of you."

I didn't even know what to say, so I didn't spend much time thinking about it all.

"Alright. For now.. You can keep it."

And we fell asleep.

Was I stupid? Probably.

Did he deserve another fucking chance? No.

Was I giving it to him? It sure seemed like it.

I don't know. I have too much hope.

Fuck me, man.

Next time,

Logan.


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N- Just wanted to say thank you guys for all the reviews, especially the ones with criticism. However, I have a few replies that I have to post here since I can't reply to a guest!**

 **Logan is smoking the joint because, I'm not sure if you know this or not, in California you can get your medical license while pregnant and smoke. There are a lot of studies about marijuana and pregnancy. I smoked during my pregnancy with my daughter and she's absolutely perfect, actually ahead for her age right now.**

 **I've been made aware Jaxon is spelled JaCKSon, I just don't like going back and forth between the X being used in a nickname, I've just kept it.**

 **You start introducing solid food to children around 1, such as a grilled cheese cut into small pieces.**

 **Thank you guys so much again! I appreciate it all, love you guys so much.**

 **Enjoy!**

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

 **VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 017**

 **Three Steps Forward**

I don't even know anymore, so just don't ask, okay?

Jax and I woke up the next morning around 9, completely naked and entagled in each other. I tried to get out of bed but he wouldn't let me, pulling me closer and cuddling me.

"I loved sleeping next to you." he kissed my cheek and I smiled.

"I did too." And I did, I really did. There was something about him; sex with him, kissing him, sleeping next to him, wrapping up in him. God, he was my kryptonite.

He finally let me sit up and stretch as he did the same. I made it out of bed and into my bathroom to brush my teeth and take a morning pee. I headed back out into my bedroom and slipped on a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt. I put my glasses on, finally able to see everything. Jax was standing, nothing on but his boxers. I walked over to him, hugging him, tracing my fingers over his back.

"You're beautiful in the morning." he smirked at me. I pushed him away, smiling and blushing like crazy.

"Stop it!" I demanded. I grabbed my cigarettes off my end table, offering them up to me. He nodded and followed me to the back porch, in still nothing but his boxers; I wasn't complaining, I was going to enjoy the view.

We lit our cigarettes as we enjoyed the morning sun on our faces. I sat down in my usual spot, propping my feet off. I looked over to Jax who... Who was whipping his dick out to piss.

"Really?" I was a bit annoyed, but he was a boy, and, let's face it; boys were dumb as fuck.

He smirked at me and shrugged. He gaze turned from me to past me, meeting the eyes of my 43-year-old single neighbor, Eileen.

"Morning, E!" Jax greeted her. I watched her face turn red, she waved, and then turned away. God, he was such a fucking child.

I loved it.

"You ever gonna grow up?" I joked to him.

He laughed, talking over to take a seat next to me in the matching chair.

"Why would I ever wanna grow up? It's a trap." he joked to me.

We finished our cigarettes and headed back inside to a smoke a few bongs and take a shower together. Jax hadn't brought clothes with him so he wore what he had from last night over to his house to change. It was in the lower 80s today, beautiful out.

I wore a pair of white shorts and a simple dark green tank top. I was gonna end up helping Gemma in the kitchen for the cook out so I needed to stay cool. Jax was quick getting dressed, jogging back out to the car and hopping in. We headed over to his moms, arriving a few hours earlier to help out.

"Hello!" Gemma chirped from the kitchen when she heard the door open. I could smell her cooking up a storm. She was cutting up potatoes for her famous potato salad when we walked in. She nearly cut her hand open when she saw us together. "Well hell has frozen over once again." she stopped what she was doing just to cross her arms and stare us down.

God damn it.

We both ignored her and just moved on with our days.

"Where are the kids, Ma?" Jax asked looking all through the house.

"They're out back," Gemma poppoed a chunk of cut-up bell pepper into her mouth. "Clays out there with them cleaning the pool and filling up water balloons."

I got into her fridge and grabbed out a cold Budlight. Jax exited out on the back porch and out into the yard where the kids were. I watched all three of our children run over and tackle him on the ground with lots of love and giggles. I smiled and then turned back to Gemma. She was checking something on the stove.

"How's it going?" I asked taking a seat at her kitche island. She turned around from the stove, her eyes big and face questioning.

"How's it going for me? Ha. How's it going for you sweet cheeks?"

I sighed. "Come on, Gem, don't do-"

"No," she stopped me, walking over and sitting down next to me. "You don't do this, Logan. These kids have watched the two of you be on and off, mainly off for a long time now. It's back and forth, happy, sad, angry, relaxed. You have to decide what the fuck it is," she motioned back and forth between me and Jax out in the yard. "Between you two that's going on."

I bit my lip, pondering for a second. "I.. I don't know what the fuck is going on, okay? We've been getting along.."

"And fucking." she hopped off the chair with a smile on her face, walking over to grab a few cooled down ingredients she stuck in the fridge.

Before we could continue talking, three little monsters with the last name Teller came running on to the door, pounding on it, all talking at once.

I opened it and hunckered down in front of them.

"What's going on, guys?"

"Ugh!" Nova gave a dramatic face wave. "It's, it's just so hot, Mommy. My frickin' curls are sweating off! Pappy said, pappy, pappy said that we can swim now cause it's V8 balanced." I chuckled at her mess up and so did Gemma; so fucking cute.

"And we want a popsicle." Abel told me.

"YEAH!" Jade cheered, grabbing onto her big brothers hand.

"Alright," I ushered them into house and back to the bathroom where I got them in their bathing suits. I got them their popsicles out of the freezer and and saw them all out on the porch to eat them while they waited for Jax to get the floaties out of the garage. The pool was only 5ft, and Abel and Nova could both swim, Abel very well. I just wanted arm floats on Nova, but Jade needed arm floats and a circle floater. I wasn't taking any chances.

"Daddy, hurry!" Jade yelled as she threw her empty popcicle wrapped at me. After that it was a race to finish, Abel and Nova finishing shortly after her. In minutes they were all hopping into the pool, screaming and laughing and playing around.

"Jax, watch them. I'm gonna run in and grab some stuff to bring out, okay?" He shook his head at me and waved me to the kitchen; I probably didn't have to tell him to watch his own children but hey, men were stupid.

Gemma was smoking a joint, setting bowls out for me to take to the outside tables Clay set up. She handed me the joint and I puffed on it, heading out carrying tree different bowls. Two of them had chips and the third one had watermelon. Gemma went all out for this kind of thing.

I came back into the house, handing her the joint back.

"Can you take all this meat out there and get the grill lit?" I nodded, accepting the joint once again from her. I walked outside wth the packs of burgers and sausages in my hands, setting them on a cooler next to the grill. I used the lighter to get it started up, a flame instantly shooting out. I adjusted it, getting the temperature where it needed to be, then shutting the lid so it could heat up.

I walked over to the edge of the pool where Jax was talking to the kids as they played and splashed.

"They're having so much fun." I commented on them. Abel and Nova were taking turns seeing who could hold their breath the longest and Jade was just figuring out how to stop swimming around in a constant circle.

"I'm broken." she told me, admitting defeat to the swim-circle. I laughed at her, and Jax busted up too.

"You aren't broken. Try just kicking your legs or just using your arms. I bet you won't swim in a circle." Jax told her. She took his advice and was off, moving all around in the pool. My little girl wasn't so little anymore; none of them were. They were growing into smart, polite little people of their own and I loved seeing them develope each and every day.

2:30 sharp and everyone was arriving, friends and family, kids, teens and adults. Most of the kids headed straight for the pool jumping in right away. A few of the teenagers just went and hung out in the garage; typical. Opie and Amanda found their way ove to us, Toby and Raven running right past and hurrying to the pool.

"Hold it!" Amanda demanded, stopping them before they got their clothes off to their suits underneath. "Toby, go ahead. Raven, we need to get your floaties on." Raven stomped her feet back over to Amanda who took her over to the garage and got arm floats on her. In a few minutes she was in the pool with all the others little monsters having a great time.

"Well if this ain't a sight for sore eyes." Opie motioned his beer to Jax and I standing together, close together. Amanda came back over to us, reaching her arm around Opie, hugging him from the side. "Been what, three years since ya'll have stood this close?" They both both chuckled and Jax and I both rolled our eyes. What was so wrong with us getting along with each other?

"We aren't saying it's a bad thing. I think it's a good thing. You guys are the cutest ever."Amanda was a typical blonde bombshell simpleton, but she was so sweet. She was nice as could be and had a heart bigger than anything, caring for anyone and anything that needed help or cared for.

Wasn't trying to brag, but Jax and I were cute. We were hot. We were a damn good couple as far as looks went. Personality? Well, they do say opposites attratch; that was the truth, for sure.

Food was done and coming off the grill around 3. All of us parents went over and ushered our kids out of the pool for the time being, getting towels wrapped around them and them seated at the kids table with their food and drink. After they were taken care of we got our food and headed to the table. Clay sat at the head, Jax to his right, Gemma to his left. I sat next to Jax, Chibbs on my right and Tig right across from, Opie and Amanda next to him.

"Hey guys," Clay held his beer up in the air as he stood, ready to make a toast. "I just wanna say thank you to everyone here; our family. Without all of you working with us as a team, we could never make any of this possible. As a family we've been through really great things together, and some serious shit storms, but we've always stuck together and made it through to the other side. Just thank you, thank all of you. This is to everyone, I love ya guys." We all raised our drinks and toasted, going make to eating and conversating amoungst ourselves.

A good bit of people left, but a few close members stayed; myself and Jax, Opie, Amanda took the kids home with her, Chibbs and Juice. Clay had built a fire and everyone was out by it. It was a little after 9 and I got all three kids to sleep back in Gemmas house. They were so exhausted from their fun day it wasn't even a task.

I slipped on one my Jaxs hoodies he had there and headed back outside, a fresh beer in my left hand and a blunt in my right. I took a seat on Jaxs lap, and everyone had to look.

"Alright," Juice leaned forward and took the last drink of his beer, tossing he bottle into the fire. "What the fuck is going on with you two? I'm lost. Anyone else?" And I'm sure they did, but they kept their mouths shut. Chibs slapped the back of his head shutting him up.

"Watch it." the scottsmen told him. Juice shrugged and got up to go get another beer.

We sat out all night, watching people drop off like flies, one-by-one. After Clay went to bed it was just the two of us sitting out by the fire, the sound of the radio in the background over the crackling of wood burning.

I was still sitting on him, his arms wrapped around me, pulled close to his chest.

"You know how you mentioned my knuckles yesterday?"

I nodded, looking up at him.

"I killed someone yesterday, Logan." He looked sad, his eyes drifting off to stare at the fire. "I.. I want you, I want this. But I want to be honest with you, completely. I don't want you jumping into this thinking things are easier or better or any of that."

My reply wasn't the best. "We aren't jumping into anything. We're taking this day by day." If he could make it a solid month without pissing me off or fucking something up.. We could talk business, maybe.

"I know." He shot back at me. "I'm just saying. I'm laying this all out on the table for you; so you can know everything. No more secrets, no more lies, no more hiding things. Just the truth." He sat up, scooting me off of him so we could really be face to face. "I want to try, Logan. I think our kids, and ourselves, deserve that much."

I never was good at telling him no.

"Yeah?"

"Listen," He took a breath and grabbed my hands. "When you came home it was like some kind of sign to me, like my past was coming around, giving me another shot to do this different, better.. And I couldn't. I wasn't different, I wasn't better. But I fucking love you. I've loved you since I was 17, Logan." He always had a way to envoke emotion in me. He was being bleeding heart open honest with me and I should do the same.

"All I could see for the longest time, still to this day.. All I see are the lies and the violence, how it's all changed you.." My tone was sad, triyng to hold back tears.

"I'm trying to put it back together, Logan." He looked at the ground, lip quivering. "And I don't know if I can."

I ran my thumb over his jaw line. "I know. Cause I don't know if I can either." I felt a hot tear run down my cheek, just one.

"You're part of what I am, Logan. You always have been." He held my face in his owns now. "I'm sorry that being with me put you here." And he was sorry. I saw it in his eyes.

"I know this is who you are, Jax. And I've realized I can't change that anymore; I'm not going to try and change that."

I watched him shake his head. "No. I've finally realized that you came into my life to get me out of this life, over 10 years ago and still to this day. You're here to make things right, to fix them."

He made me sound like the goddamn Messiah, but that was how he looked at me too.

And neither of us had words.

So we kissed. It was sweet and tender and soft and real. So much passion. I climbed back up on his lap and we just kissed and touched, no sex or fooling around. She spend the night under the starts and moon in each others arms.

The power he had over me.. God.

So maybe he wasn't all that bad.

I don't know. I feel like I'm fucking up as far as my head goes, but as far as everything else goes.. The kids have been happier, I've been happier, he's been happier.. Everyone has been happier.

Day by day.

Next time!

Logan


	19. Chapter 18

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 018**

 **Two Steps Back**

Things were going really well, I wasn't as restless or as anxious. Jax had been at the house nearly everyday the past week. The kids were really loving it. Abel had been overly excited all day waiting to be done with school so we could have our movie night tonight like promised. Usually we'd be doing more on a Friday night, but Abel requested it, so we was getting it. Jax promised.

I was nervous for a little bit of the day thinking about how hurt our little boy would be if his dad backed out of the plans we made for the night. It would be him proving he couldn't be trusted to come back into our lives already. But I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and seeing were this evening went.

I picked the kids up from school and Jade up from Gemmas, heading to the store immediately after. I got quick stuff for dinner; pizza and cut-wings. I got popcorn and snacks and some drinks for the kids; I had a full case of beer in the fridge for Jax and I. Since all three of me heathens were so well behaved, I let them all pick out a treat.

Abel got gummy worms, of course. Nova, a bag of M'n'Ms, and Jade got lollipops.

I hadn't spoken to Jax since that morning on my way into work and he said he'd be over around 7. We got home close to 4:30 giving me just enough time to do everything I promised the kid I would.

Pillow and blanket fort in the living room? Check.

Dinner cooked and ready? Check.

Movie rented and ready to go? Check.

All three kids bathed and in their pajamas? Check.

I got myself into comfortable clothes and we sat around, waiting. The kids ate the dinner I gave them and waited to enjoy their snacks and popcorn when Jax got here.

"Mommy, when's daddy coming?" Abel sat on the floor, holding his head in his hand kicking his feet. We was looking impatient and sad.

"Soon, buddy." And for Jaxons sake it better be fucking soon. Lying and disappointing me was one thing, but not our children.

7:15 rolled away and I sadly accepted defeat. I started the movie, and not one of my three children even seemd interested in it; they weren't even touching their snacks or popcorn.

Just as the previews were finishing up there was a knock on the floor. All three kinds spring up like Merecats. I unlocked and opened the door to find Jax holding a bouquet of grocery bags, filled with even more snacks and stuff for the kids. I helped him in and closed and locked the door behind him.

The kids swarmed us but I scolded them, telling them to go sit in the living room until we got everything put away and ready.

I put most of the snacks Jax brought with him away, except the cheddar popcorn, it was the kids favorite. I got them all settled in in their blanket fort with the bowl of popcorn and their treats, the three of them cuddling close to each other.

"Can you see daddy?" Abel asked. Of course we could, we were sitting on the couch. But he had to make sure.

Jax laughed and nodded and Abel turned his attention back to the movie. My ex-husband and I both cracked open a beer, sinking back into the couch.

"How was your day?" I kept my voice low, so only he could hear. The kids were quiet and I wasn't about to ruin that; I was hoping they'd fall asleep during the movie so it would be an easy night.

He shrugged. "We had a deal with the Niners. Nothing too crazy. Gonna be a few weeks before our next deal, so I'll have some nice downtime to spend helping you with the kids." The kids were really going to like that and it meant I would have more time to get my finals project put together and finished so my student could get an early start; all of them seeed to be procrastinaters this year.

Jax and I sat and talked about nothing during the movie. By the time the credits rolled all three babes were sleeping. One by one we carried them back to their bedrooms and laid them down, not one of them budging to awake. Perfect.

I went back out to the living room and broke down the fort I had built earlier, putting all the pillows and blanket back in their right full places. Jax walked back out, hovering near the door.

"Well I don't wanna keep you up," he told me jamming his hands in his pockets. "I should be going."

"Well, be careful. Thanks for coming tonight, it really made the kids whole night. They were so excited all day long." He smiled at that. "It made my night too." His smile got even bigger.

He heaed for the door, stopping before he grabbed the handle.

"Oh! I almost forgot to ask. Amanda wanted to know if the kids wanted to come over tomorrow night to stay the night with Toby and Raven." That was a great idea.

"Yeah, absolutely. I can have some me time." Not that I exactly wanted alone me time.

"Uh, would you consider me time hanging out with me tomorrow night? Come to the club house, it can be like old times."

And I really liked that idea.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow."

I stopped him before he got out the door.

"Wait," I should have stopped my mouth from saying it, but I didn't. "Stay. Sleep here tonight. The kids will love having you here for breakfast when they wake up."

He paused for a second and then closed and locked my door with a smile on his face. We turned down for the night, packing up and smoking a few bongs. It was going on almost 1am when we decided we were ready for bed.

"Do you have pillows and blankets? Mainly just a blanket, I can use the throw pillows on the couch, it's not a problem."

I raised my eye brows at him confused.

"I just thought I'd sleep on the couch." he shrugged. I grabbed his upper arm, rolling my eyes.

"You stay here, you stay with me; in my bed." And he had no objections.

He undressed down to his boxers and hoppe into bed with me, pulling my body close to his under the blankets.

A short 45 minutes of sleep was broken by a screaming Nova, another one of her nightmares. I went to get out of bed and run to her, but Jax stopped me, hopping out and his feet hitting the ground.

"I got it," he assured me. "Get some sleep." I waited until I heard Novas cries stop and then I drifted back to sandland.

A little after 9am and I was woken up by three beautiful little people I made, jumping up and down on my bed, telling me it was time to start my day. I looked over to see Jax wasn't in bed.

"Mommy!" Abel laid his nose against mine, looking dead at me. Nova and Jade were just as close; they were litteraly all up in my business.

"MOMMA HASHBROWNS!" Nova screamed to me. I sat up, yawning.

"Alright, hashbrowns. We can make hashbrowns."

"No, silly." Nova and Abel hopped out of my bed and Jade crawled down carefully. The three of them were practically dragging me to the kitchen. "We not make them."

We entered the kitchen and I couldn't believe me eyes. Breakfast was made; eggs, sausage, bacon, toast, hashbrowns, oatmeal, fresh fruit and orange and apple juice and coffee. The mess was all cleaned up from him cooking, and our plates were sat out ready for us to eat. Abel and Nova hurried over to the table and I helped get Jade into her booster seat.

Jax gave me a hug.

"How did you sleep?" he asked, taking a seat next to me at the table.

"Really well." And I did. I slept like a fucking baby.

We all sat and ate breakfast together and then Jax helped me get the kids dressed and their bags packed to go to Opie and Amandas for the night. They were so excited to get to spend the night with them, they wouldn't shut up about it.

And I couldn't wait either, cause I was gonna get to drink and smoke and have a really good night at the clubhouse, like the old days.

Our day was a lazy one until around 4 when we dropped the kids off at Amanda and Opies. Within ten minutes they wanted nothing to do with us and wanted us to leave.

Jax dropped me off at my place so I could get ready. I was just going to drive over and meet him at the club house later that night.

I was in a really good mood and wanted to look extra sexy that night.

I used a thick barrel curling iron for my hair, making it full and have extra bounce. I did my make-up dark, how Jax liked it. I wore a tight pair of black leggings with these gold sandals I had worn maybe one time even though I spent about $40 on them. I slipped on a white tanktop that made my boobs extra perky and kept them out, all of Jax to see. I slipped on my lather jacket Jax bought me my first Christmas back; three kids later and it still fit.

I grabbed my purse and two packs of cigarettes out of my freezer. I dug through one of my kitchen drawers, looking for a bag of weed I had hidden. I shoved it and the smoked in my purse, grabbing my keys out. I headed over to the club house.

A few people were outside when I pulled up, but not anyone worth talking to. I kept moving, heading inside. Turning a corner into the bar a few guys started to cheer.

"Well if it isn't our favorite Las." Chibbs was racking up a game of pool. "Fetch a game tonight, love?" he asked, gesturing a pool stick my way.

"I'll play the winner." I told him, wanting to get a few beers in me and talk to Jax first.

I made my way over to the end of the bar where Jax was sitting, already having a crow eater get a beer up for me. I hopped up onto the bar stool, accepting the cold beer from him.

"You look," he leaned back in his chair, his eyes wondering my entire body, up and down. "Just damn. Wow." he took a few drink so his beer. I couldn't help but smirk. I promise you I felt anything but damn and wow most of the time, so it made me feel really good.

"Well thank you." I reached into my purse and grabbed a pack of smokes, packing them down and opening them up. I lit one for myself and offered Jax one as well.

I tried to make small talk, so I brought up material from a conversation the night before.

"So since when are you guys doing deals like that with the Niners? I thought you were in with the Mayans again and I know that weren't too happy about that the last time. And the Irish? I remember them telling you not to deal to the Mayans after all that shit that happened a few years ago too."

He shrugged. "Business is business. None of them seem to have a problem right now."

"Maybe that's because they haven't realized the problem yet." He always concerned me with this shit. Gans around here did not fuck around when it came to this kind of shit; the last time they dealt with two rival gangs they almost had Clay killed.

He looked at me, obviously annoyed and wanting to change the subject. "Club business." Some things never change. But I was strangely okay with it. "What about you? How's that glamorous teacher life going?" he joked at me.

I got defensive. "I happen to love being a teacher. Sorry I could never become a full-time outlaw stay-at-home mother." I shot back at him. His eyes glisended with a twinge of pain. "I'm kidding, Jax."

"That attitude, little girl." He poked at me. I hopped up out of my chair.

"Little girl? Ha. A little girl that's about to kick your ass at pool." I grabbed my cigarettes and headed over to the pool table, Jax following behind me.

10 beers and 4 games of pool later I was having a great time; I had a good drunk going on and was constantly laughing with Jax and the guys, trying to compose myself to finish this game of pool.

It was like the mood changed in 5 seconds; a crow eater caught our attention and things turned blurry, they turned fast.

"Jax," she called worried from behind the bar. All of our attention turned up to the backlot cameras. Two black SUVs rolled up quick, people with gun jumps out of them.

The nex thing I knew we were surrounded by gun fire, shooting through parts of the building and the front door. Jax was on top of me, keeping me pushed against the ground and my body safe.

My heart was beating so fast I couldn't hear the gun fire anymore, just the steady hum of my ticker.

The front door of the club house got kicked in, two men rushing in.

They fired a few shots inside, one hitting off a metal beam and flying back down to graze Tig. When gun fired started back at them, they began to flee. The only words they had said caught my attention more than anything.

"Jax Teller's old lady." And the club house door slammed shut behind them, the SUVs taking off as quick as they came in.

Jax climbed off of me, checking me over to make sure I was okay. I was in shock, sitting up and bringing my knees to my check. I reached forward, grabbing my cigarettes off the pool table and getting one out.

Surprisingly, I had only needed a few minutes and I was composed; maybe I wasn't normal or maybe after this many years I was finally used to the fucking bullshit SAMCRO brought along.

"Are you alright?" Jax asked me, helping me up.

"What the fuck was that Jax?"

Chibbs, who was in a little bit of pain from the bullet graze, spoke up before anyone else. "Guessing by their accents I'm gonna guess it was the Irish sending us a message. No one in hell can we sell those guns to the Mayans tomorrow."

"We already took the cash!" Jax shot back at him.

"And they already sent their bloody fucking message!" Chibbas shouted back.

I couldn't take it. I ran for the door, Jax coming behind me.

"Logan," he grabbed my arm and I turned around. "I'm so sorry."

"No, don't apologize. It isn't your fault." Oddly enough, I wasn't mad. Just shaken up. I wanted to go home, go to bed. Tomorrow was a new day. A nice relaxing Sunday. "I just wanna go home."

"Should I come with you?"

I shook my head. "No, no. It's alright. I just wanna go to bed." I leaned forward and kisses him on the cheek.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

I was in a fucking shoot out tonight and I wasn't the least bit mad or pissed at him or the club. I was just so shaken up. I doubt I'm gonna sleep worth shit.

Next time

Logan


	20. Chapter 19

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 019**

 **Living Nightmare**

I called Jax as soon as I got up in the morning, checking in on how everything was from the night before. The clubhouse was a mess, but they were getting everything taken care of. He said they voted to still go through with the deal with the Mayans, they had to.

I got the kids from Opies early, coming home to spend the day relaxing with them. We got all their homework done and ready, and I got my lesson plan for the week done as well as a few things I had to grade.

By 9 o'clock they were all in bed, exhausted from their exciting weekend. I got to bed around midnight, only sleeping for a short 4 hours.

I woke up, rolling over to look at my clock; 4:17am. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom to empty my bladder. My mouth was dry, so I decided to go get a drink from the kitchen. I took a swig of apple juice from the bottle, replacing the cap and putting it back in thr fridge.

Like usual, on my way back to my bedroom I decided to check on the kids. Abels room was first; I cracked the door open and peeked in.

Panic struck me when his bed was empty. I pushed the door all the way open, turning the light on.

"Abel?" I questioned. I looked in his closet and under his bed; nothing.

I jogged across the hallway to Novas room to find the same thing. Lastly I checked on Jade; she was gone.

Panic struck my entire body and I saw nothing but red and heard white noise. In minutes I was screaming, losing my shit, throwing anything I could get my hands on. I literally turned my house unside down looking for them. I got to the back porch door when I lost it; the lock was broken.

Someone broke into my home. Someone took my children.

I didn't even get dressed. I was in spandex shorts that almost showed my vagina and a tank-top for christ sakes. I grabbed my sons hoodie off the coat rack by the door, running out to my car. I was shaking and crying so bad I could barely get it started.

I chain smoked and drove 90 the entire way to Jaxs house. I tried his cell but he wasn't answering. I showed up at nearly 5am, plastered in tears and my body beat red from the cold that night. I pounded and pounded on his door; nothing. I hopped back into my car and headed to the clubhouse.

I opened the door so quick I thought I pulled it off the hinges. The place was a mess, a few prospects still working on the damage. They could tell something was wrong, really wrong.

"Jax?" Was all I could get out. They shrugged, not really sure about it. I went back to his dorm room door and pounded on it, hoping for him to answer; he didn't. I kicked the door, yelling at the top of my lungs. and sinking down to the floor for a few minutes. I got up, leaving the club house and getting back in my car.

As per usual I kicked the shit out of my dash, punching and kicking my steering wheel; I cracked my radio panel all up. And like a sign from God I heard a bike; it was Jaxon. I hoppe out of the car, running infront of him nearly getting run over. He pulled the back to the side jumping off of it as soon as it stopped.

"What the fuck are you-"

"The kids." I screamed out, collapsing against him and down to the ground. "The kids oh god. The kids are gone." I cried out to him, my heart breaking into 1000 little pieces. I watched his skin go white as snow and his eyes grow dark. Jaxon Nathaniel Teller was in the panic mode for the first time in his life.

He pulled out his cell phone and made three phone calls; within 30 minutes everyone associated with SAMCRO was at the clubhouse, trying to help us. Gemma was a fucking wreck, but she was trying to be support for me. She was feeding me coffee and joints while the guys tried to figure out what the fuck happened. Uncer kept everything lowkey, like we asked.

They knew who it was. I knew who it was. We all knew who the fuck it was; the Irish. They made that deal yesterday and they struck hours after, taking the only thing that meant anything in either of our lives.

"It'll be okay baby." Gemma said to me for probably the 15th time. She put her hand on my shoulder but I shook it off not wanting her to touch or talk to me anymore. I stood up, knocking my chair over. Everyone fell silent and watched me leave the clubhouse, letting the door slam behind me. Before Jax could run out and catch me I was in my car, pulling out of the T&M parking lot.

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Two hours I sat there in pure silence, smoking four joints and 12 cigarettes. It was calming, I felt at peace for exactly two minutes and 17 seconds. I leaned back against that big oak tree that I had had to see more times than I wanted.

I was staring up at the sky when a twig snapping broke my concentration. I looked over to see Jax walking towards me, his cheeks red and his eyes swollen. He came down and sat next to me.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked him in a flat tone.

"You always come here when really terrible shit happens. Its your go-to place." And he wasn't wrong.

"He's my person." And like always, I started crying like a baby. "And even if I couldn't be his person, he'll always be mine." He just pulled me close and let me cry as we look forward.

Thomas Nathaniel Teller

August 19th, 2012

Too beautiful for Earth

"And I wanted to get prepared for this to be the only place I can see my children." I cried out harder to him and he pulled me close to him, holding me tighter than he ever had.

"That is not what's going to happen, Logan. The irish wouldn't dare do that. We're gonna get our kids back." I heard him pause to catch his breath, tears trying to come out. "And then we're getting far away from this place. As far away as we can possibly get."

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

And I believed him this time for some reason.

But I'm a wreck, I've been up for almost 40 hours. We have some leads, but this wasn't going to be easy. I needed my babies.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

 **A/N- Well guys, the next chapter will be the final chapter of this story. I wanna thank all of you who have stuck by myside through this, given me ideas, reviews; good or bad. It's be an honor writing this story, and I can't wait to get started on the sequal! It's been fun.**


	21. Chapter 20

**VeryMuchAlive . bloggie .com**

 **Logan Henderson**

 **BlogPost 020**

 **Leave It All Behind**

Two days and we had heard close to nothing, just a few bullshit leads that went nowhere or back in a fucking circle. The guys were trying really hard, but they couldn't get ahold of anyone they knew would take them straight to where we needed to be.

Then Jaxs cell phone rang and it was an international number.

"Yeah?" He was frustrated when he answered, I'm sure they could tell. "Where the fuck are my kids, Jimmy?!" I wanted to climb through that fucking cell phone and strangle the person on the other end. "Abel? Are your sisters are okay? Are you okay?"

"Let me talk to him!" I demanded, reaching for the phone, but Jax pulled it away from me.

"You leave my fucking family out of this, Jimmy." he demanded to the man I had heard of countless times on the other end of the line. "That's impossible." The fuck it was, I'd meet any demand he had to get my kids back. "Jimmy, where the fuck are you?"

The line must have went dead cause Jax slammed it shut.

"What's going on Jaxon? Are the kids alright?" He nodded pacing around the room.

"The kids are fine, they're having a great time with Uncle Jimmy." I could see the fire spewing from his eyes, the smoke coming out of his ears and nose. "But he promised it won't last much longer."

"What did he want Jax?"

He looked over to Clay and a few other members. "He wants us to pay for our next shipment in three days; a shipment that we aren't going to get. He told me if I don't get him the 300k that I'll have to see my children again over his dead body.. Or theirs."

And I lost it. I stood up and threw three bar stools across the club house, screaming. I kicked a leg off of the pool table, causing it to fall at a slant, rolling balls all across the floor. I drove my fist into the door, breaking it and leaving two large holes.

"How can I fucking live like this?!" I screamed at all of them, rushing outside.

I couldn't do this. My children.. They took my fucking children, my life. They took the one thing I fucking cared about in this world, and they were going to try and take this away. If I just stayed away from him.

I wish I could just stop fucking loving him. I wish I could let go and my heart felt absolutely nothing for him. I didn't want to love Jaxon Teller; I didn't want to love this club; I didn't want to love this town. I only wanted to love my children and my life with them.

I swear to God if I get them back I'll run far away from this place and never come back. I'll start a new life with them somewhere, where none of this will ever find us again. I'll never tell them about Charming. I'll lie to protect from this place full of poison, this place full of nothing but sadness and death.

I sat at that picnic table with my head in my hands just crying my eyes out for what felt like forever. How were they ever going to come up with 300k? How were they ever going to get my babies back alive? Sometimes I just couldn't have any type of faith in this stupid fucking club.

But I had to this time. They were my only hope. I couldn't do this on my own, not this time.

Jax came rushin out of the club house with a stride that screamed he was ready to murder someone. He hopped on his bike, roaring it up.

"Where are you going?" I yelled out. I needed him right now.

"To take care of this. Stay here." And he rode off. Once again I lost my shit, crumbling down to the ground in the parking lot. Gemma came running over to me, bending down and hugging me close; I couldn't fucking do this.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

I was back at home, alone. Jax had called me, saying he was coming over and would see me soon. I was so impatient; I didn't know what to do.

He came bursting through the door, a duffle bag on his arm. He threw it down on the table and unzippe in, wads of cashing sticking out.

"How did you get this?" I asked, checking them all out. It was 300,000 dollars in $100 bills.

He looked like he was hiding something from me, not wanting to tell me the whole truth.

He reached across the table and grabbed my hands. "Listen, you and I are going to meet Jimmy at 7. Make the deal, get the kids. After that.. I have to go back to the club house where I'll be arrested." It was a response I didn't mean to have, but I instantly started crying. "I made a deal with the ATF, I'm taking the fall for all the guns." Fuck.

"You can't do that, Jax. You're gonna do time; long time." I was crying like a baby now.

"I know what I'm doing, Logan." He squeezed my hands harder. "But when they take me.. I want you to take the kids and run. I want you to run as far away from this place as possible and don't you ever fucking look back. You get them out of here, away from this awful place. Give them the life they deserve, Logan." He had a few tears rolling down too.

"I can't-"

"Yes. You fucking can and you fucking will, Logan. You can do this. You have to." He looked up at the clock in my kitchen. "We have to go." He stood up and grabbed the bag of money, heading for the door.

I didn't want this, not at all. This isn't how I wanted any of this to go down, it wasn't how I wanted to get out of this place. I wanted him to come with me, with the kids. I wanted to have a plan, things thought out. I didn't want to feel like I was running away.

Jax forced me to compose myself when we arrived to the meeting spot with Jimmy. We walked out and down to the dock area, where three large SUVs were parked, men jumping out of all of them. Jax pushed me behind him, just in case any craziness was to break out.

"I thought you were coming alone." Jimmy commented, walking over to Jax.

"It's my kids mother, but you'd know that." Jimmy smirked at him and snapped his fingers, the doors on one of the vans opening. Another man got out, carrying Jade in his arms, Nova and Abel hopping out behind him.

"I told you we were going to see mommy and daddy!" Abel told Nova. Jade looked like she had been crying.

"See, Jadey," Nova patted her little sisters. "Mommys right there, we telled you."

I tried to walk towards them, but Jax stopped me. When the men saw me move they moved closer, crowing themselves around my kids.

"Jimmy, please." I begged out. Jax whispered to me to shut my mouth and I did, trying to calm the sounds from all my tears.

"Where's my money?" Jax tossed Jimmy the duffle bag. He unzipped it an looked it through, counting his money. He nodded, looking pleased. "I gotta say, I didn't think you'd pull it off." He snapped his fingers at the men and they walked my children over, letting them run over to Jax and myself, handing Jade to Jax. "I just hope you've learned your lesson, Mr. Teller. Until next time." he winked, hopping back into the vehicles. They pulled away as fast as they came up.

I fell down to the ground, crying hard and pulling my babies close to me. Abel ran his hand over my wet cheek.

"It's okay, mommy." He kissed my forehead. "We just went with Uncle Jimmy. It's okay." He kept telling me over and over again, but I just hugged them tighter and tighter. I never wanted them to go away again like that, not ever. I'd rather slit my own fucking wrists.

"Logan," he laid his hand on my shoulder. Jade laid her head on her dads shoulder, wrapping her arms tight around his neck. "We gotta go." And this was even harder. I didn't want to do this, but I had to do this.

We drove back to the clubhouse, the local and undercover cars pulling in behind us, freedom lights flashing.

"Mommy, what's going on?" Abel asked me. Luckily Jade and Nova had fallen asleep.

"It's okay, buddy." Jax assured him. "You remember I love you and your sisters okay? And I love your mommy, very, very much." I wanted to completely break down and never get back up again, but I couldn't do that; not in front of my children. Jax just pulled me close into one last final kiss, feeling like he pulled away a part of me when he pulled away from the kiss, getting out of the vehicle. As soon as he was on the other side, he was being put into cuffs.

"Jaxon Teller, you're under arrest for the distribution for firearms in Charming, California. You have the right to remain silent..." I watched them take him into the back of the polive vehicle, slamming the door.

"What did you do?!" Gemma cried out at him, then looked over to me. She came running to the car, and I gave her the hush signal, letting her know the girls were asleep.

"Listen, Gem," I sniffled. "I really don't want the kids to be here and seeing all of this, I wanna get them home for the night, okay?" And as much as she didn't want me to, she patted my car door, signaling me to go home.

The next hour was the quickest of my entire life; I got home, telling Abel to stay in the car and watch his sisters. I packed everything we needed and anything that was important, shoving as much as possible into bags and taking them out one by one.

"Mommy whys all our stuffs in here?"

"We're gonna go for a little trip, baby." I lied. I hurried as quick as my feet would take me, back and forth, packing shit and throwing it in the trunk. If it wasn't crucial or sentimental, it stayed behind. 30 minutes and our lives were packed into the car, ready to go.

I looked back in my rearview, smiling at Abel. I had grabbed him a few of his cars to play with for the ride while he was still awake. I pulled out of the driveway, driving out of Charming, and never looking back.

And just like that, once again, I was leaving this all behind.

I was leaving behind the drugs.

I was leaving behind the violence.

I was leaving behind the gangs.

I was leaving behind the club.

I was leaving behind my students.

I was leaving behind my life.

I was leaving behind the people who grew to become family.

I was leaving behind my memories.

I was leaving behind my love.

I was leaving behind Jaxon Teller.

And I never fucking looked back.

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 **The more I get, the sooner I'm going to get the first chapter of Part 2 out, which I think you guys are going to like a lot more!**

 **A friend of mine is helping co-write it with me. She doesn't have an account on here, but her name is Sydney.**

 **Thank all of you for sticking through until the end, reviewing, favoriting, following and sending me private messages. I appreciate every single one of you!**

 **Love always,**

 **Arri Mason**


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